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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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fuckwittery

Homoeopaths told you’ve had your fun but now it’s time to start saving lives

man and woman drinking milkshake

The scientific community has appealed to all practitioners of homoeopathy to stop sitting on their hands and to come to the aid of the fight against the deadly, covid-19 virus.

A spokesman for the World Science Council told newsmen last night: “This coronavirus situation is becoming pretty serious and we now believe it’s time for the big boys to step up to the plate before we end up with a global disaster on our hands

“We realise that homoeopaths have been sitting back and enjoying watching us struggle, safe in the knowledge that they can step forward at any point and put the whole thing to bed by giving us all some grass juice to drink or something along those lines.

“However, the scientific and medical community feel that it’s now time to put aside petty rivalries for the good of mankind.

“So we are appealing to all homoeopaths to come forward and bail us out of this mess asap”

The Association of Homoeopaths responded in a written statement last night “We freely admit to having enjoyed watching all those so-called medical experts failing miserably to save mankind with their futile searches for testing kits and potentially deadly vaccines.

“However, we do accept that the death toll is getting a little bit naughty and realise that it’s our duty to step into the breach”

The first homoeopathic remedy, Icke’s Vapour Rub, will go on sale at £70 per-50-centilitre bottle later on today at a number of health food outlets with a strict, one bottle per-sucker limit in place until everybody’s feeling better.

Virus Fears Grow as Covid-19 Contracts Nadine Dorries

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Ms Dorries pictured during her appearance on I’m A Celeb, trying to work out how to put on a hat

There was growing alarm amongst senior officials at the Department of Health last night after the killer virus, Covid-19, was found to have become infected by Junior Health Minister, Nadine Dorries.

A spokesperson for the department told newsmen: “A member of our research team, a leading microbiologist, was examining a Covid-19 sample under the microscope when he noticed it behaving oddly.

“Initially it began speaking in a poorly-disguised Liverpool accent.

It then began venturing crackpot opinions on subjects of which it had absolutely no knowledge.

“It tried to convince our man that Brexit was going to be beneficial to the entire country and that all this talk of dire economic consequences was just Project Fear being spread by unpatriotic lefty snowflakes, talking the country down.

“It then asked for a bit of time off from the lab to appear on I’m A Celeb.

The public has been warned to be on the alert for symptoms of this new mutation which manifests itself through, a constant dry cough, breathing difficulties, and the overwhelming compulsion to start acting like a weapons-grade dullard in public.

People showing signs of any of these symptoms are being asked to self-isolate without delay and then to contact, PM, Boris Johnson who will immediately offer them a highly paid job in The Cabinet.

Airport Twitter storm Brexiter had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets says eyewitness

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The staunch Brexiteer who went viral on Twitter last Friday when he complained about the length of the queue at a Dutch airport, had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets and not passport control according to an eye witness

Colin Browning, who tweeted, ‘This wasn’t the Brexit I voted for’, was also lampooned for his tweets on immigrants, gays, and female sports commentators.

He was ridiculed throughout the day by thousands and even trended on Twitter following his outburst about having to wait 50 minutes to get through passport control at Schiphol airport.

However, according to a female traveller who was standing behind the 55-year-old, he was actually in the queue for the ladies toilets, presumably by mistake, although this hasn’t yet been confirmed

Mrs Tracy Dell, 43, told newsmen: “This gentleman was just in front of me in the queue for the ladies.

“The back of his neck was really red and he kept muttering to himself about taking back control, the blacks, and unelected bureaucrats.

“I tapped him on the shoulder and tried to point out he was in the wrong queue but he got really upset and started shouting.

“At first, he accused me of talking to him in foreign.

“He then said I was after his job and wanted to enter the UK to live on unemployment benefits while sitting at home all day with the curtains drawn watching a flatscreen television.

“I wouldn’t mind but I’m a white English hairdresser from Essex”

Mr Browning was eventually led away by Dutch police who later charged him with disturbing the peace and defacing the cover of his European passport which he had coloured in with a blue crayon.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This skit was rejected by one of the satire heavyweights yesterday and it’s not difficult to see why

STUDY: ‘Woo Woos’ who drink their own urine probably not best placed to advise on vaccines

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Taking the pee. An anti-vaxxer pictured bathing in human waste last night

A recent study carried out by Swansea University has found that people who routinely drink their own urine in the belief that it has restorative powers are probably not the best people to turn to when seeking advice on the side effects of vaccination, despite the fact that the anti-vax lobby and the urine consumers are often intrinsically linked on social media.

Speaking at a meeting of paediatricians in London, Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, said: “Our research has shown that individuals who drink their urine – I believe they are known as woo woos in the United States – are not qualified to offer advice on vaccines, nor indeed, anything else in my opinion.

“Our study revealed that a large percentage of these people have a history of mental illness and should be avoided at all costs, particularly if they offer you a glass of lemonade.

“Drinking urine has no health benefits whatsoever and may even be injurious to those who do it.

“In short, any kind of contact with our bladder contents should be avoided where possible. I don’t care what the president of the United States says”

‘Losing Australians’ should tow themselves closer to Antarctica to quell bush fires says Trump

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President Donald Trump hit out at ‘losing Australians’ on Twitter last night and insisted that if they towed the country the 6000 kilometres to The Antarctic continent the cooler temperatures would extinguish the bush fires that are currently ravaging the eastern coastal regions of the country.

In a 2.00 am tweet, Trump said: “Sure I feel sorry for Australians right now, but these losers need to realise that they’re only a few miles from Antarcita (sic). I have a globe in my bedroom and they’re real close to that ice, believe me.

“They need to get into rowboats that are chained to the beach and tow themselves closer to the coldness.

“I’ve studied rowing more than anybody and I know this would work great for those guys”

Trump then went on to address the crisis in Iran, telling his Twitter followers that he was personally in charge of the drone that took out, Iranian general, Qasem Soleimani, on Thursday.

“I’ve studied drones and General Qasem more than anybody I know so it was only natural that the Pentagon guys asked me to guide the missile to its target.

“I just looked at the screen in my office and when I saw that loser draw up outside the airport, Donald J Trump let him have it real good”

In other news, North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, oversaw the launch of his country’s latest intercontinental ballistic missile yesterday, after which he referred to Trump as an ‘imperialist jackal and a complete fucknut’

Brexit Party member returns to primaeval soup

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Happier times. Mr Carter smiles for the camera at a family party last month

A 56-year-old man who was one of the founder members of the staunch, anti-European Union, Brexit Party, has regressed down the evolutionary scale and has now returned to the primaeval soup where life on earth first began 4 billion years ago

Terence Carter, unemployed, from Whitechapel in East London, began to show signs of morphing into a shapeless life form just a few weeks after joining the party, led by leading Brexit cheerleader, Nigel Farage, last July.

His wife, Melissa, 52, told a Whelk reporter: “Shortly after getting his Brexit Party literature and enamel badge through the post, I began to notice changes in Terry.

“At first, he began speaking a lot more slowly than usual, then, after a few days, he lost the power of speech altogether and began communicating with a series of grunts and hand signals.

“It was around this time that I noticed a huge increase in his body hair and his forehead began to stick out a lot more than it used to.

“One day, I came home from work and he was unable to walk upright and was crawling around in the kitchen on all fours.

“He took to staying out in the garden a lot, swinging on the hanging tyre that we’d made for the dog.

“It all ended when I came back from shopping and spotted him floating on the top of the pond.

“At first, I thought he was a bit of frog spawn, but when I hooked him out and looked through my magnifying glass, I could see it was him by his beady little eyes and a fragment of his cloth cap.

“I’m not that sorry he’s returned to the primordial soup where life first began, to be honest. He’d changed a lot since he joined that Brexit lot.

“He was quite a nice man when I first met him, but all he’s done over the last few months is sit in front of the TV, slagging off Michel Barnier, and, when he wasn’t doing that, he was stamping around the house, praising Donald Trump and having a go at the blacks”

This incident comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Stepney gradually morphed into a gibbon after attending a series of meetings of the United Kingdom Independence Party.

Notre Dame blaze: ‘They should have built the whole thing out of asbestos’ says Trump

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Following the devastating fire that has destroyed part of the iconic Notre Dame cathedral, US President, Donald Trump, has slammed the builders of the 800-year-old gothic masterpiece for not constructing it using fireproof asbestos.

In a tweet last night, Trump stated: ‘It’s truly horrible watching the place burn. Why those mediaeval construction guys didn’t use asbestos I just don’t understand. Sure it’s dangerous if you breathe it in but there’s a lot of money tied up in the place. Anyway, people could just hold their breath or wear a mask when they go inside’

When told of the tweet, a spokesman for the Parisian fire department seemed to dismiss the president’s suggestion.

“What?” he said to newsmen at a press briefing last night.

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