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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Garden Bridge

Joanna Lumley proposes Thames ‘Allotment Ferry’

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Actress, Joanna Lumley, has announced plans to finance an ‘allotment ferry’ to cross The Thames at East London using taxpayer’s money it was revealed last night.

Lumley, 95, whose controversial Thames Garden Bridge project has attracted much criticism from Londoners – most of whom feel that the £170 million budget for the bridge could be far more wisely spent elsewhere – spoke excitedly to The Whitechapel Whelk last night:

“I know many people think The Garden Bridge is an expensive folly, designed solely for skinny latte-sucking toffs; and to a large extent, it is. This is why I’m proposing an allotment ferry. It will give the poor and underprivileged of the East End a chance to grow foodstuffs as they make the crossing from one side of the river to the other. They could then use the produce to feed their large families, or they could open market stalls and sell it to buy drink and cigarettes.

“We plan to commission one of the old barges that are currently anchored in and around the dockland area, fill it with soil and divide it up into plots. These will then be rented out to poor people for £5.00 per week. They will then be able to grow potatoes, beetroot and other staples while sailing back and forth across the river to visit relatives or commit crimes etc. The money we raise will be used to buy fertiliser which can then be used on the garden bridge. It’s a win/win situation sweetie.”

We spoke to a number of East Londoners last night, most of whom were less than enthusiastic when told of the plan. One man asked us if we were “having a f*****g laugh” while a young woman we spoke to said, “A fiver a week? You could get a pie and mash for that”

It is our understanding that Mayor Boris Johnson, along with Transport For London, have thrown their support behind the project as long as the money comes from the public purse and that the cost of fishing out the bodies of any drowned East Londoners will be borne by the family and friends of the deceased.

Olly Murs Set to Use His Big Face to Thwart Garden Bridge Project

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Murs pictured in determined mood last night

Opponents of the controversial, London Garden Bridge project were jubilant last night as pop icon, Olly Murs, threw his weight behind their bid to have the £180 million plan to build a bridge across The Thames with trees on it, scrapped.

Murs told the Whitechapel Whelk last night that he will position his big face on the proposed site, if and when construction work begins, thereby thwarting the plan, which is seen by many Londoners as a huge waste of public funds.

Shaking with emotion, Murs, 57, said: “As a Londoner I’m dead against this bridge and will do everything in my power to stop it, and if that includes using my great big face, then so be it”

Murs then told us that he will enter the river on his back from a nearby wharf, from where he will be towed to the site by a number of tug boats until his huge face is right in the way.

“The beauty of this move” he went on. “Is, that, if they decide to build it a bit further along, I can just do the backstroke until my gigantic face is in the way again. Once they realise that their efforts are a waste of time they can give the 180 million pounds to poor people instead”

London Mayor, Boris Johnson, a firm advocate of the project, reacted angrily when told of Murs’ initiative: “I used to really like Olly Murs and have all his records, but after this, all I want to do is punch his big face in”

Murs’ plan mirrors a similar initiative two years ago, when roly-poly BBC London radio broadcaster, Vanessa Feltz, prevented the construction of a block of luxury flats in Whitechapel, East London, by flattening all the bulldozers with her gigantic arse.

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