I’ve been unable to work due to the pandemic, but every cloud has a silver lining and this has enabled me to spend more time growing fruit and veg at my allotment.
My question is about onions. I was thinking about planting in the next day or two, but given that the weather looks very dry for the foreseeable future and I can’t get down there to water every day should I hold off for a week or two for the April showers to make an appearance?
Have you and your wife ever had it off in your shed on the allotment?
I bet you have, you filthy sods
Did the thought of being overheard or spotted thrill you and intensify your excitement?
Have you ever introduced fruit or veg into your sex play? The odd courgette or overripe plum?
Does your wife wear anything under her gardening dungarees? Is she going commando while weeding the pumpkin bed, the brazen little trollop?
Have you ever filmed yourselves doing it while other gardeners watch? Christ, I’d pay good money to see that!
Were you wearing any when you wrote your query? If so, what colour were they?
Now, with regard to onions. They like a fair bit of watering after the initial planting to encourage growth so I’d leave it until the spring showers are well and truly underway if I were you.
All the best and happy growing
Ted Threesome is vice chairman of the South East London Growers and Extreme Outdoor Bondage Society