The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant

ted threesome

Dear Ted

I’ve been unable to work due to the pandemic, but every cloud has a silver lining and this has enabled me to spend more time growing fruit and veg at my allotment.

My question is about onions. I was thinking about planting in the next day or two, but given that the weather looks very dry for the foreseeable future and I can’t get down there to water every day should I hold off for a week or two for the April showers to make an appearance?

Toby Dell


Dear Toby

Have you and your wife ever had it off in your shed on the allotment?

I bet you have, you filthy sods

Did the thought of being overheard or spotted thrill you and intensify your excitement?

Have you ever introduced fruit or veg into your sex play? The odd courgette or overripe plum?

Does your wife wear anything under her gardening dungarees? Is she going commando while weeding the pumpkin bed, the brazen little trollop?

Have you ever filmed yourselves doing it while other gardeners watch? Christ, I’d pay good money to see that!

Were you wearing any when you wrote your query? If so, what colour were they?

Now, with regard to onions. They like a fair bit of watering after the initial planting to encourage growth so I’d leave it until the spring showers are well and truly underway if I were you.

All the best and happy growing


Ted Threesome is vice chairman of the South East London Growers and Extreme Outdoor Bondage Society

BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

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Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.

Local couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

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A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on a french maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrilling experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we must say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

little house

Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

Corbyn shunned our hedgehog relocation project claim fellow allotmenteers

corbyn hedgehog

Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, stands accused of deliberately failing to give any input or to offer support when asked to suggest a suitable relocation spot for a hedgehog that had been discovered in a large bonfire at his allotment in Islington, North London, just prior to it being lit last weekend.

A fellow plot holder, and the sender of a communal email that called for suggestions on relocating the creature, told reporters outside the Islington Conservative Club where he’s a long-standing member: “Following my email, I received a number of suggestions from plot holders with regards to a suitable and safe spot to put the hedgehog.

“Many even offered to let it stay in their sheds until a permanent location could be found. However, I had no feedback from Mr Corbyn whatsoever.

“No doubt he’ll make excuses about being too busy with parliamentary affairs and suchlike, but in my opinion, this was a deliberate and callous act on his part and wholly indicative of the state this country will be in if, God forbid, he ever gets into Number 10”

The hedgehog concerned was last night believed to be in hiding in a compost heap behind the potting shed on Plot 111 Rear.

If you spot a hedgehog in peril don’t give it to a gypsy for safekeeping as they eat them apparently – Ed.

Ask Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant

ted threesome

Dear Ted

The wife and I have planted some geraniums (pelargoniums) in pots. They all have a flower bud, but someone told me to cut out the first bud to get more blooms for the rest of the year. Is this right?

Toby and Tracy Dell
London W1


Dear Toby and Tracy

Have you ever done it in the potting shed where people can see you? I bet you have, you saucy bleeders!

It’s the excitement of being discovered, isn’t it? I bet you and Tracy are going at it full pelt right now aren’t you? Let’s webcam!

Do you enjoy being restrained Toby? Does Tracy lash you to the bed with thick gardening twine and then push phallic-shaped root vegetables up your bottom? I bet she does, the filthy little slut! Webcam me!

Do you want me to send you pics of me pleasuring myself on my allotment? I want Tracy to sneer at the size of my pathetic manhood on webcam! Christ, I’m close!

PS.  Yes, I would remove the first flower bud(s) to allow the plants to put their energy into root growth and getting established. That way you’ll get a much better display throughout summer, if you’ll pardon the expression.

All the very best you two and enjoy your garden!


Ted Threesome is the sub/dom-editor of Popular Gardening & Extreme Bestiality Monthly

Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant


Dear Ted

My wife and I have recently retired and we enjoy spending our newly-acquired free time in the garden together. However, now that the cold weather is upon us we were wondering if we can still do some planting despite the severe weather conditions here in the north of England.

Any advice you can give us on this one will be most welcome, Ted.

Kind Regards

Toby and Mary Dell



Dear Toby and Mary

You saucy pair of northern sods!

Enjoy time in the garden together eh? Yeah, I bet you do!

Do you do it in the potting shed with Mary bent over the bench while you go at it full pelt from behind Ted? Christ, you filthy bastards!

I bet, that on summer evenings, one of you chats to your next door neighbour over the garden fence, coming the old innocent, while the other one is kneeling down dishing out a bloody good tongue-lashing. I’m right aren’t I? Jesus, I knew it, you depraved sleazy buggers!

Are you into bondage and S&M? Does Ted like to be lashed to the lawnmower, Mary? Do you whip his bare arse with bamboo plant canes and push rhubarb up his jacksie? Yeah, I bet you do, you filthy bitch!

What colour panties are you wearing Mary? What about you Ted? Christ, you northerners are like rutting beasts of the field aren’t you, you filthy, depraved swine!

You’re turning me on so much do you know that? I’m going to have to have a hand shandy on the strength of this in a minute!

Well, I hope this has been of some help to you both and that you’ll continue to enjoy your garden for a good many years to come.

All the very best and happy growing!


Ted Threesome is the sub/dom-editor of Depraved Horticulture Monthly

Ted Threesome: Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant

Smudge by The Artful Dodger.

Dear Ted

My wife and I are both keen gardeners and are thinking of moving one of our Orange Pippin apple trees to a sunnier spot in our small garden at some point. Could you advise on the best time of year to do this please?


Toby Carter



Dear Toby

Have you and your wife ever done it in the garden shed with your neighbours nearby? Did you have to put your hand over her mouth to stifle her moans while you rogered her mercilessly? Did the thrill of discovery enhance your pleasure?

What about bondage and sado-masochism? Has she ever restrained you by lashing you to a cross in the basement? Did she humiliate you by mocking your penis size and by comparing you to past lovers? Did she beat you bloody and leave you tied down there for days with no food and water?

What type and colour of underwear does your wife prefer? Is she wearing any right now?…are you?

Christ! You filthy bastards! If only I could come round there and film you while you cavort like common beasts of the field!!

PS. Late February/early March is always a good time to transplant fruit trees. Try to keep as much of the old soil clinging to the roots as possible, and remember to warm the new soil with plastic sheeting or a cloche.

All the very best to you both and here’s hoping for a bumper fruit crop in the autumn


Ted Threesome is Chairman of The East London Scalding Semen Guild

Ted Threesome: Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant

Dear Ted

My husband and I are now both retired  and have been considering applying for an allotment. We’re quite elderly and we realise there’s a fair bit of hard work involved, but we both feel that the fresh air and exercise will do us good. Then, of course, there’s the savings we’ll make by growing our own fruit and veg, jam making etc.

I was therefore wondering if you could give us any advice on the best type of soil for growing a variety of produce. We were thinking in terms of a few apple or victoria plum trees, a bed of strawberries, along with some vegetable staples, such as potatoes, onions, sprouts and so on.

We look forward to hearing from you as soon as you have a moment Ted, as we’re quite keen to make a start while we still have the warm weather.

Thank you in anticipation

Marjory & Albert Twelvetrees




Dear Marjory & Albert

Have you ever tried group sex? I bet you have you saucy sods!. Did Albert watch, or did he join in? Have you got any pics or video? I’ll pay cash money for them if you have!

Have you ever done it in the woods where people might spot you? It’s the thrill of being discovered isn’t it? Did you go out in just a fur coat and a pair of knickers Marjory? Christ, I wish I’d been there you filthy little minx!

Is that why you want an allotment? So you can romp naked in the shed while people outside are tending their plots? Jesus Christ, I knew it!

What colour are your panties Marjory? Are you wearing any?… Is Albert???

UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH! Oh yeah you dirty bleeders! You know what I like don’t you?

All The Very Best For The Future


PS. A good open, loamy soil, mixed with a good strong mulch, should bring excellent results with most type of fruit and veg. Happy planting!

Ted Threesome is gardening correspondent for Gardening and Scalding Semen Monthly

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