Letters to the editor

Dear Sir

Why don’t they put a stop to all this furore over building a third runway at Heathrow by simply building it on the vacant site of the ‘Jungle’ migrant camp in Calais? That way, nobody would have to lose their homes and all the refugees that are still hiding from the French authorities in the woods nearby could come out and work as baggage handlers or air traffic control personnel.

Gus Uterus

Whitechapel.

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Dear Sir

During the second World War surely it would have been better not to have used a closet homosexual like Alan Turing as a code-breaker at Bletchley Park. Imagine how much quicker we could have deciphered important messages from the Germans if the bloke given the task wasn’t constantly looking at the other boffins’ arses. I mean to say, it would be like asking me to do the crossword surrounded by naked Penthouse Pets.

Albie Urinal-Mint

Also From Whitechapel

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Dear Sir

I have a tip for one-eyed people. Why not drink heavily first thing in the morning until you can see two of everything. Then, hey presto. perfect 20/20 vision for the rest of the day

Belinda Fuck

Just outside Whitechapel

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Dear Sir

I’m a single man who has created the illusion of being married by tuning my radio between channels until it emits a constant high-pitched whine. For added authenticity, I have become celibate and occasionally hit myself over the head with a saucepan after coming home from the pub.

Tim Bowel-Concerns

Nowhere near Whitechapel

 

Entire local football team come out of the closet, including the manager

 

What a gay day. Team boss, Toby Dell pictured in the Wanderers’ clubhouse last night

from our sport and interior design correspondent, Danny SoZ

In a surprise move, the entire playing and coaching staff of Whitechapel Wanderers FC have just announced that they are all homosexuals.

The announcement came from the team manager, Toby Dell, 35, who told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I can confirm that the entire team, as well as myself and the team coach, are all gay.

“We decided to come out after a junior player, who was being ribbed by the lads in the dressing room about not having a girlfriend, suddenly blurted out that he was gay.

“You could have heard a pin drop in that dressing room after that, and then, one by one, the lads began to own up to being gay too, including myself and Terry, the coach.

“We all feel as if a weight’s been lifted off our shoulders, to be honest. Of course, I’ve now had to insist that the lads take their showers individually after training, as I don’t want them wearing themselves out before a big game”

Mr Dell then revealed that his wife has since thrown him out and that he’s now living in a two-bedroom flat in Commercial Road with the club chairman and his pool boy.

Sherlock Homophobe: The Anti-Gay and Lesbian Victorian Detective

The scene is a small study at the top of 221B Hetero  Street in the Whitechapel district of East London. The great detective and insufferable bigot, Sherlock Homophobe, is seated in the corner of the room, smoking opium and playing a refrain on a Stradivarius violin. Suddenly the door is flung open as Homophobe’s loyal companion, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement.

MINCING – I say, Homophobe, I have just received a most singular communication in the form of a telegram. It is from your old adversary and that most heinous of fiends, Professor Moriarty. He is desirous of a meeting with you this very Friday and indicates that The Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland should be the place of rendezvous. Let us make haste old friend, for I fear that great evil is afoot and that time itself is of the essence!

HOMOPHOBE – You infernal botty man, Mincing! Do you not think that I can’t see through your most flimsy subterfuge? It is absolutely clear that you are in league with the depraved arse bandit that is Moriarty and that you plan to lure me to the very edge of the treacherous falls before knocking me unconscious with a life preserver. You will both then fall upon my helpless body, repeatedly plunging your tumescent members into my person until your accursed bum boy’s spadge runs copiously from my every orifice. Now get out before I call Inspector Lestrade and have you deported to The New World for kidnap, assault, and conspiring to commit aggravated buggery!

MINCING – !!!!!!

For more anti-gay adventures with the towering bigot,  follow Homophobe’s exploits in this month’s edition of The London Illustrated Knob Jockey. Now only 3 farthings!

Sherlock Homophobe: The Anti-Gay and Lesbian Victorian Detective

The scene is Homophobe’s study at 221B Hetero street in Whitechapel, East London. The great detective and insufferable bigot is breakfasting at a small table when his great friend and staunch assistant, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement:

Mincing – I say, Homophobe! Have you seen The Times obituary column this morning? Lord Rutherford has died in the most singular of circumstances. I detect foul play at work here. This could be worth investigating further in my opinion. What do you say old friend?

Homophobe – Are you trying to get off with me Mincing? Do you intend to render me unconscious by administering a large dose of laudanum before slaking your vile lust on my comatose body until every orifice runs free with your scalding jism?  Now look here you raving nancy boy; I’ve had just about enough of your perverse innuendos and your ill-disguised attempts to bed me. Now get out before I summon the magistrate and have you charged with lewd conduct and attempted buggery!

Mincing – !!!!!

Next Week: Homophobe accuses Mincing of looking up his trouser leg in The British Library