The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



I won’t let Trump build new golf course on my big face, vows Olly Murs

Olly - Copy

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, last night rebuffed a move by disgraced former US President, Donald Trump, to build a links-style, eighteen-hole golf course on his gigantic face.

During an exclusive Whelk interview, Murs, 85, told us: “I’ve allowed my big face to be used for a number of projects down the years, from a film set for a movie about the moon landings to a refugee camp for thirty thousand fleeing victims of the war in Syria. However, I draw the line at allowing Trump to build a golf course on my massive dial for him and his odious Republican cronies.

“Can you imagine the horror of having Rudy Giuliani teeing off close to one of my eyes and catching a glimpse of his cock and balls up his trouser leg?

“Even if I did allow the project to go ahead, what are the chances of getting paid?

“The guy’s a notorious crook with a long history of reneging on his debts, and in any case, he’ll be in jail before the end of the year”

It is now believed that a request has been submitted to roly-poly morning TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, to build the course on the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.

Mr Murs requested that his fee for this interview be donated to the Variety Club of Great Britain children’s charity but we’re going to keep it and spend it on drink and pussy – Ed

‘Grieving’ Trump to play golf for 2 weeks in honour of Syrian gas attack victims.

The Trump International Golf Links Course Opens

 White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, last night told a press briefing that President Trump was so outraged by yesterday’s gas attack on civilians by Syrian government forces he has taken the decision to abandon his official duties for 2 weeks so that he can dedicate the time to playing golf in Mar A Lago in Palm Beach as a mark of respect for the dead.

“The President was so upset and angry when he heard the news,” Spicer said. “He told me right there and then that he’d ordered Airforce One to be fuelled and made ready for a golfing trip to Palm Beach where he told me that he intends to play for 2 weeks solid – stopping only to eat, drink and sleep – in honour of those who lost their lives. He is truly grieving right now and  feels that it’s the least he can do”

In other news, vice president, Mike Pence, has told a press conference that wounded victims of the attack will be offered treatment in American hospitals, if they can afford it, or if they have United States medical insurance and can prove they’re not terrorists.

Obama played “The wrong type of golf,” says White House spokesman


“Be right with you after I’ve holed this six-footer, boys”


White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, has told a press briefing that President Barack Obama, played a type of golf that was detrimental to America during his tenure, whereas, President Trump uses the game to formulate his plans for making America great again.

Trump has come under increasing media pressure and public ridicule for spending weekends playing golf at his luxury retreat in Mar El Lago at the American taxpayer’s expense despite having castigated his predecessor for playing one or two rounds a year during his 8-year tenure at The White House.

“President Obama played golf purely for relaxation and for his own selfish pleasure,” Spicer told the briefing. “President Trump, on the other hand, uses his time on the course to benefit The United States of America.

“Some of his most important policies have been formulated while playing golf. Things like the 30-day destruction of ISIS, the repealing of ObamaCare and the Muslim ban.

“He doesn’t even like golf” Spicer went on. “It’s hell for him out on that course. He only puts himself through it to benefit the American people”

A spokesperson for The Democratic Party responded to Spicer’s comments last night: “Say what?” he exclaimed, holding his sides and dabbing at his eyes.


trump golf swing
“I’m gonna build a bigly wall and the European Ryder Cup team are gonna pay for it!”


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