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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

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A clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

Local woman falls for Google Earth’s ‘Pegman’

 

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Walker with a stalker. Google’s pegman strikes an alluring pose on a recent visit to Cripplegate

 

A 49-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Earth Streetview.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the little Google Earth man when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I noticed how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell deeply and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Earth while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious to my charms.

“I’m now wondering if he might be gay and whether it would be worth my while dressing up as a fireman”

Ms Dell’s confession comes exactly 30 years after a 40-year-old woman from Shoreditch divorced her husband after she came home early and found him engaged in a saucy naked romp with British Telecom’s, ‘The Speaking Clock’

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Trump may send United Airlines ‘death squads’ into Syria hotspots say White House.

 

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A small troop of highly trained United Airlines cabin crew pictured shortly before handing out snacks and hot towels on the 22.00 Boston to Memphis flight last night

 

from our war and mincing trolley dolly correspondent, Danny SoZ

White House spokesman, Sean Spicer, drew gasps from newsmen at a press briefing last night as he dropped the bombshell that crack, so-called death squads, of United Airlines cabin crew may be deployed in Syria to wreak havoc in ISIS-held strongholds and to degrade Syrian dictator, Bashar al-Assad’s air strike capability where necessary.

“We realise that this move may be seen as excessive by some in the international community”, Spicer said, “But the president feels that it’s time to take the gloves off when dealing with some of these bad guys.

“Maybe if United Airlines had been around during World War II, Hitler could have been defeated a whole lot sooner. He wasn’t such a bad guy by the way”

Great Britain, last night came out in wholehearted support of the move.

Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, told The House of Commons in a late night emergency sitting: “We stand shoulder to shoulder with our American allies, and if called upon, we won’t hesitate to send in detachments of surly Easyjet check-in staff to provide additional firepower and brow-beating bully boy tactics if needed”

Google to introduce ‘celebrity death risk’ app in 2017

grim-reaper-grave-front-t-shirt-print

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that internet giants, Google, will be introducing a subscription-based add-on to their latest Chrome browser in January 2017 which will enable subscribers to receive early warnings of a possible celebrity death.

Google hope that the ‘Mourn-o-Mate’ app will alert people whenever a celebrity is at a high to medium risk of passing away thereby enabling them to get their intensive Wikipedia research done in advance.

This, in turn, will make them appear to have been a lifelong devotee of the dead person in question with an encyclopaedic knowledge of their early life and career when they make their tribute post on Facebook within minutes of the announcement of their passing.

The app will issue an alert to the subscriber’s device whenever a celebrity calls the doctor and requests a home visit, or shows up on television looking alarming old and gaunt and sporting a deathly pallor; possibly hinting at their impending demise.

It is believed that, due to his appearance, Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richard, will not be covered by the feature and that fans with the app will just have to wait until they hear about his death on the news like everybody else.

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