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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Honey Boo Boo

Honey Boo Boo Repaired My Car Claims Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson

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In a surprise announcement, motoring guru and host of BBC’s Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that, Honey Boo Boo, the 6-year-old star of smash hit, US TV show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, came to his assistance after the vintage Mini Cooper he was test-driving broke down two miles from his Hampshire home.

Clarkson told our motoring correspondent: “The car was behaving perfectly, until, all of a sudden, the engine began misfiring before eventually cutting out.

“I had a look under the bonnet, but as everybody knows, I’m hopeless mechanically and can barely work out how to empty the ashtrays, so I was a bit flummoxed to say the least.

“As I stood there staring forlornly into the engine bay I heard a small voice pipe up from behind me “Hey mister, y’all havin’ a problem there?”

“To my surprise, I saw it was none other than Honey Boo Boo out of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

“I explained what the problem was, and without further ado, she opened a little pink toolbag she was carrying, took out a sequinned flat-blade screwdriver along with a diamante studded feeler gauge and began to tinker under the bonnet.

“After no more than 10 minutes she said: “Ok mister, that outta do it. Y’all can turn over the engine now”

“To my delight, the engine fired up immediately and began idling beautifully at around 850-900 rpm.

“Honey Boo Boo then explained that she’d adjusted the dwell angle of the contact breaker points and increased the electrode gap from 12/1000th of an inch to a far more suitable 16/1000th to eliminate a pre-ignition problem.

“Naturally, I offered to recompense the diminutive redneck youngster for her kindness, but she flatly refused to take a penny from me, saying: “Mama June done tole me not to tek no money from strangers.

“She done tole me that there’s some mighty strange sonsobitches out there and that if ah see me one, ah have to git while the gittin’s good and tell the deputy”

A spokesperson for the BBC said last night “We’re absolutely delighted that Honey Boo Boo came to Jeremy’s aid, although to be honest, it’s no more than we’d have expected from the inbred little madam.”

Clarkson’s revelation mirrors an incident in 1963 when TV cooking guru, Fanny Craddock had a slipping differential repaired at the roadside by Jed Clampett out of The Beverly Hillbillies.

Local drunk ‘encapsulates the spirit of Princess Margaret’ says Honey Boo Boo

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Good time girl. Princess Margaret (right) pictured in a scuffle with Princess Alice of Greece in The Lord Rodney’s Head in 1966

A habitual Whitechapel drunkard has been lauded by reality TV star, Honey Boo Boo, who yesterday praised the man for mirroring the chaotic, drink-fuelled life of royal bad girl, Princess Margaret.

Miss Boo Boo, who was a guest at a Whitechapel town hall dinner and dance, spoke out in praise of homeless Toby Dell, 54, after spotting him slumped on the steps of the Royal London Hospital with his dog on a piece of string, surrounded by empty cans of strong lager and attempting to tune in a radio with no back to it.

Pointing towards Dell, the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo star told newsmen: “That guy encapsulates the rebellious nature and wayward lifestyle of Princess Margaret.

“In fact, if he was sitting on a sunlounger in Mustique, having suncream rubbed into his thighs by toyboy, Roddy Llewelyn, you could be forgiven for thinking it actually was her”.

Boo Boo, 52, is well-known for her love of the British royal family and once declared that she wouldn’t mind testing the theory that Prince Edward was gay by offering him, “some real red-hot poontang”

Royal Footnote: In 1967, Princess Margaret once drank 15 pints of heavy in The Moon On The Mall public house in Whitehall, after which she staggered into Downing Street and began raining down punches on Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, who was leaving Number 10 to attend a miners gala in Barnsley.

Jacob Rees Mogg held following ‘frenzied attack’ on Honey Boo Boo

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Boo Boo pictured outside Horseferry Road magistrates court yesterday

Controversial Conservative backbencher and leading Brexiteer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been remanded in custody by Horseferry Road magistrates after allegedly attacking, child tv personality, Honey Boo Boo, with a Victorian life-preserver – a type of wooden cudgel.

Rees-Mogg, 49, allegedly lay in wait for the youngster outside The Marriot Hotel in Westminster where she was staying during a family holiday with her parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear.

According to an eye-witness, the Tory MP for North-East Somerset, launched a frenzied attack on Boo Boo as she made her way to a waiting Uber taxi, bludgeoning her to the ground before making off towards Vauxhall Bridge.

A close friend of the Tory toff told us last night: “I’m not surprised that Jacob has battered Honey Boo Boo.

“He’s never liked her and used to slag her off in Latin whenever her show was on.

” I once saw him kick his telly screen in during an episode in which Honey was being fitted for a beauty pageant ball gown”

In 2014, Rees-Mogg was fined £150 and bound over to keep the peace after punching, American singing star, Little Jimmy Osmond, in the stomach in a restaurant in Knightsbridge.

Final Dead Sea Scroll foretold the coming of Honey Boo Boo

 

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Boo Boo pictured in jubilant mood last night after being told of her inclusion in The Dead Sea Scrolls

 

One of the last remaining obscure parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls has finally been deciphered by researchers in Israel.

Along with descriptions of a number of ancient seasonal rites, the scroll reveals that scribes in the 4th century BC prophesied the coming of American TV sensation Honey Boo Boo to our screens.

Israeli scholars at Haifa University painstakingly put together over 600 tiny fragments in order to finally decipher the ancient script.

Team leader, Professor Tobias Dellstein, told newsmen last night: “The final scroll contains details of seasonal celebrations performed by ancient Hebrew tribes and also accurately forecasts the appearance of Honey Boo Boo and her family on American TV shortly after the turn of the 21st century.”

Last year, Egyptologists at Cairo University revealed that hieroglyphics inside the sarcophagus of Tutankhamen contained warnings of the birth of Donald Trump and foretold the untimely death of Grizzly Adams in 2016.

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