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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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humor

Local man flirts with thoughts of euthanasia after chair-induced groaning episodes

 

chair 1
A chair similar to the one that has made Mr Dell want to kill himself pictured earlier

 

A 52-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that his thoughts now regularly turn to ending his own life in a Swiss clinic after he recently noticed that he has begun to groan with exertion when getting up from a chair or sofa at his home.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck quality control inspector, told us: “Over the last few months I’ve noticed that I sometimes make a slight grunting sound when I get out of my chair.

“My kids were the first to notice and now laugh and point whenever I do it.

“As a result, I’m beginning to see the writing on the wall and realise that my demise is probably just weeks, or, at best, months away.  I’ve, therefore, now begun making plans for my own death at least 2 or 3 times a day.

“I’m rather hoping that they’ll introduce euthanasia into this country in the near future so I won’t have to shell out for airfares to a mercy killing clinic in Switzerland when things become intolerable”

In other news, a 58-year-old woman from East Ham threw herself into the Thames and drowned at St Katherine’s Dock yesterday after suffering an episode of laughter-induced incontinence during a cinema visit to watch a romantic comedy with a much younger man she had only just met on an online dating site.

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Local woman feels her love for her husband lessen significantly after tea towel ironing incident

 

 

iron
An iron pictured putting a marriage at risk last night

 

A 25-year-old Whitechapel woman has admitted that she felt her love for her husband of 7 years wane after she came home from the shops and found him ironing a small number of tea towels

Tracy Dell, a nursery nurse, told The Whelk: “The moment I saw Toby ironing those tea towels something inside me broke and I felt my love for him diminish.

“I’m not really sure why. Maybe it was his stance at the ironing board, which looked pretty gay if I’m being honest with you.

“It was either that, or it was the way he was sprinkling small amounts of water onto the towels with his fingers before pressing them with the iron like some kind of big mincing fairy.

“Whatever it was, I know that I shall never love him as deeply as I once loved him. Not ever.

“In fact, as far as I’m concerned he’s pretty much dead to me now”

In other related news, a 27-year-old man from Aldgate in East London has been unable to achieve an erection with his wife after he watched her servicing the power steering pump on his Honda Civic.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this article then I suggest you start having a tawdry affair as soon as possible

The Whelk’s Presidential Guide to Recognising Key Figures in Society

doctors-and-nurses

Nazis

NEXT WEEK: Our presidential guide to differentiating between The Archangel Gabriel and Benito Mussolini standing next to The Beast of Belsen.

The verb, ‘To Trump’, given alternative meaning by Oxford English Dictionary.

trump book with whelk reccomendation

The iconic and definitive dictionary of the English language, The Oxford English Dictionary, has made the unprecedented move of giving a verb a dual meaning in their latest 2017 updated edition.

The Verb, ‘To Trump’ which was originally described in the dictionary as the playing of a high-value playing card in a game of Bridge, – has now been giving the alternative meaning of describing an act of utter stupidity or bungling incompetence.

The latest edition, published yesterday, contains the following entry:


VERB
1 – To commit an act of gross stupidity
1.1 – “Auntie Maude really trumped when she entered that lion’s enclosure covered in BBQ sauce”

NOUN
1 – A dullard or nincompoop
1.1 – “You really believe that Brexit is going to be good for Britain’s economy? Are you some kind of fucking Trump or something?!”

ADJ
1 -Describing a particularly poor choice or decision
1.1 – “I told my girlfriend that asking me to cut her hair with a pair of long-nose pliers would be a big fat trumping mistake but she wouldn’t listen.”

PHRASES
1 – For things to take a decided turn for the worse
1.1 (informal) – “I thought my sat-nav was working ok until it all went a bit Trump and I drove over the edge of a cliff”

This latest amendment follows hard on the heels of the dictionary’s decision last month to include the verb: ‘To Spicer’. Meaning, to humiliate oneself in public by spouting a torrent of risible nonsense and barefaced lies in front of a room full of journalists.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Movies With Pretty Judgemental Titles

 

THIS WEEK: The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward, Robert Ford

 

 

jesse
Jesse pictured in happier times before he was shot in the back by a total scumbag.

 

NEXT WEEK: The Killing Of Abe Lincoln By The Fat-Arsed, Ugly Bastard, John Wilkes Booth

Last surviving Bunny Girl bred in captivity dies at The Playboy Mansion

 

Bunny Girl 1

It was announced last night that the last Playboy Bunny Girl, who was part of a specialist breeding program in the 60s, has passed away peacefully in her enclosure at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles, California.

Candy Fabulous, 61 – real name, Beryl Arkwright and originally from Sheffield – died after a long battle with vascular dementia and also osteoarthritis – believed to have been brought on by many years of performing the famous ‘Bunny Dip’ while serving drinks to wealthy clients in various Playboy Clubs across The United States.

Playboy kingpin, Hugh Hefner, 103, appeared visibly moved as he told pressmen last night: “It’s a very sad day for me and for the Playboy organisation as a whole

“Candy was a real one-off who devoted her entire adult life to dressing up in a ridiculous outfit in order to serve refreshments to wealthy drunks, and also -whenever the occasion demanded –  to sleeping with a few of them for money. She’ll be missed by all who knew her”

Although Ms Fabulous was the last of the Playboy Bunnies bred in captivity, there are still said to be isolated pockets of small breeding groups in the foothills of The Himalayas, and also in and around Stepney Green tube station in East London, where they can sometimes be seen during the evening rush hour offering overpriced cocktails and hand jobs to well-heeled businessmen on the District Line.

WHELK EXCLUSIVE:  James Corden has started to eat himself.

The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that popular actor and TV personality, James Corden, has begun eating himself and has already consumed his left arm and part of his right leg.

A close friend of the Carpool Karaoke star told us: “I first noticed that James was eating himself when a few of us went to a barbeque at his place a few days ago.

“It started when he accidentally got some smokey BBQ marinade on his fingers.

“He began sucking on them to clean them up, then, all of a sudden, he began biting them off one by one and eating them.

“He even put his thumb and pinkie on the grill and basted them with Piri Piri sauce before gnawing the flesh from the bones, a bit like you would with a spicy wing or a spare rib.

“Since then, he’s been gradually eating more and more of himself. He started on his left leg yesterday and has already eaten his foot and the best part of his calf. We’re all a bit worried, to be honest.

“What about if he eats his head? He won’t be able to do his talk show, let alone sing in the car with the likes of Madonna and Michelle Obama”

A leading psychologist told us: “Cordon’s condition is symptomatic of someone suffering from deep-seated narcissism combined with anorexia.

“In short, he absolutely loves himself but hates being a fat fuck, hence the self-cannibalism. It will be playing havoc with his cholesterol levels, I’ll tell you that much”

Corden’s rare condition was once suffered by roly-poly, BBC Radio London presenter, Vanessa Feltz, who eventually gave up after it took her 3 days to eat one of her fingers.

Claustrophobic Whitechapel man trapped in lift with scantily-clad lovelies loses battle to control bowels.

 

scantily clad
Painstakingly researched pic of some scantily-clad lovelies

 

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that a local landscape gardener, suffering from acute claustrophobia, lost a grim battle to control his bowels on Tuesday while trapped in a hospital lift with 3 attractive females.

Toby Dell, 32 and single, told us: “I’d just got in the lift and was about to press the button for the 3rd floor when these 3 attractive girls came in at the last minute.

“It was a roasting hot day and I have to say that the clothing they were wearing left little to the imagination.

“Just before we arrived at the 2nd floor, the lift ground to a halt and the lights went out.

“I tried to keep my composure and made a light-hearted remark about it being my lucky day, but inside I could feel my stomach contents turning to warm gravy.

“I struggled like hell to keep things under control but my claustrophobia became overwhelming, and despite my clenching the cheeks of my arse together, I cleared out noisily into my pants.

“I was hoping against hope that the women wouldn’t notice but the stench was pretty outrageous and one of them started gagging

“Luckily, moments later, the lift started to move again and the doors opened at the 3rd floor.

“I can still feel their eyes burning into the back of my head as I waddled to the nearest gent’s toilet clutching at the seat of my trousers in a bid to stop it all running down my legs.

“As if that wasn’t bad enough I was late for my appointment and was told to come back the next day.

“I’ll be taking the stairs this time. No question”

Editor’s Note: If you’re a scantily-clad woman, and you have the pictures to back up your claim, send them to us without delay so that the necessary action can be taken. Thanks.

White House fury at local school’s plans to replace dunce’s cap with Trump wig

 

trump hair meme
Artist’s impression of how the Trump Wig will look on a particularly idiotic pupil.

 

A Whitechapel infants school’s decision to replace the old style dunce’s cap – traditionally worn by slow-witted pupils – for a bright yellow “Trump Wig” has been met with a furious reaction from the Trump administration and from the President himself, who labelled the plan, “very sad” and called the headteacher of St Clements Infants School in Commercial Road, “a bigly fat loser”

Speaking to The Whitechapel Whelk last night, headteacher, Mrs Tracy Dell, 45, said: “I’m sorry if Mr Trump and his administration are upset by our plan to make the school dullards wear a bright yellow Trump wig, but we wanted to move with the times and what better way to humiliate the really thick children in our care than to make them resemble an ocean-going idiot like the current President of the USA?

“If it’s any consolation to our American friends in The White House, the wig will be used very sparingly and will only be worn by pupils with a spectacularly low IQ.

“It will be issued only to kids who can’t spell their own name, or are incapable of walking and talking at the same time. That sort of thing”

In other news, an exclusive girl’s school in Surrey has come under fire from parents after the headmaster announced plans for errant girls to be made to ride a horse around the playing field topless, in what he has described as, “doing a Putin”

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