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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Furious 5th place Hamilton blames other drivers for finishing ahead of him

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Hamilton, pictured last night with his customary, ‘face like a slapped arse’ when he doesn’t win

Formula 1 world champion, Lewis Hamilton, last night launched a bitter attack on the four drivers that pushed him back into a disappointing 5th place finish in yesterday’s thrilling Austrian Grand Prix, which was eventually won by Red Bull’s Max Verstappen.

A visibly enraged Hamilton hit out at his rivals in a highly-charged post-race press conference.

“If these other four guys hadn’t finished in front of me, I’m absolutely convinced I could have got the win” he raged

“My car wasn’t really dialled-in to the race conditions and the team’s strategy was extremely poor, but I have no doubt in my mind that I would have still taken the chequered flag if these guys hadn’t pushed me back into fifth.

“If this is what F1 is coming to then I will seriously consider retirement at the end of the season.

“People, and my fellow racers, in particular, need to understand that I’m Lewis Hamilton and if they’re not prepared to slow down in order to hand me the win I shall report them to the FIA and continue to kick up fuck at post-race interviews until they do”

Hamilton then stormed out of the room and was spotted minutes later outside the building, screaming and screaming until he was sick

Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

Sarah Sanders
Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

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Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

PC Ted Stupor: The drink-ravaged London Bobby you can trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling and densely populated city like London can be an arduous, and sometimes, extremely perilous task.

Take last Tuesday for example

There were tens of thousands of anti- Donald Trump demonstrators marching from Trafalgar Square to Downing Street to protest the president’s state visit

At about 13.00, we received a shout that scuffles were taking place outside The Lord Moon On The Mall public house in Whitehall between protestors and a gang of pro-Trump supporters.

We arrived on the scene to be met with an ugly brawl and a number of casualties lying in the street.

Fortunately, the guvnor of the pub hadn’t closed the doors, so while my colleagues waded in with their truncheons, I went to the bar and drank steadily for 3 hours until I spewed my guts up over the barmaid.

Evenin’ all

Ted Stupor is vice chairman of The Dangerously Enlarged Liver Society

Jacob Rees Mogg held following ‘frenzied attack’ on Honey Boo Boo

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Boo Boo pictured outside Horseferry Road magistrates court yesterday

Controversial Conservative backbencher and leading Brexiteer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been remanded in custody by Horseferry Road magistrates after allegedly attacking, child tv personality, Honey Boo Boo, with a Victorian life-preserver – a type of wooden cudgel.

Rees-Mogg, 49, allegedly lay in wait for the youngster outside The Marriot Hotel in Westminster where she was staying during a family holiday with her parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear.

According to an eye-witness, the Tory MP for North-East Somerset, launched a frenzied attack on Boo Boo as she made her way to a waiting Uber taxi, bludgeoning her to the ground before making off towards Vauxhall Bridge.

A close friend of the Tory toff told us last night: “I’m not surprised that Jacob has battered Honey Boo Boo.

“He’s never liked her and used to slag her off in Latin whenever her show was on.

” I once saw him kick his telly screen in during an episode in which Honey was being fitted for a beauty pageant ball gown”

In 2014, Rees-Mogg was fined £150 and bound over to keep the peace after punching, American singing star, Little Jimmy Osmond, in the stomach in a restaurant in Knightsbridge.

Entire staff and pupils of local school have seen each other’s genitals online

It was revealed yesterday, that all the staff and pupils at a secondary school in East London have at one time seen each other’s genitalia on various social media platforms such as Snapchat and WhatsApp.

The school newspaper, The Whitechapel Academy Bugle, made the findings after an intensive survey carried out over 12 weeks.

The paper’s editor-in-chief, Toby Dell, 16, revealed: ‘It’s absolutely normal for kids to post pics of their cocks and growlers online these days and for them to be passed around the school, but we were a bit surprised to find the staff were at it too.

“In fact, some of the younger staff members were in pretty decent nick it has to be said.

“Miss Wickstead, the PE mistress had a cracking set of bangers on her, as did, Mrs Parkes, the art teacher, although, to be honest, she could do with trimming that quim a tad.”

The Headteacher, Terence Carter, 63, has now resigned his post after being subjected to online bullying from a number of parents who were less than impressed by the size of his cock.

Slow-walking woman in supermarket a real piece of crap: Local man’s snap judgement

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A supermarket, clearly not in inner-city London pictured last night

A woman who walked slowly in front of a 42-year-old Whitechapel man in his local supermarket was a real piece of crap according to a snap judgement he made at the time

Toby Dell from Commercial Street, told us last night: “This woman entered the store at the same time as me and I realised at once she was going to be a real problem.

“She began walking slowly in front of me with her trolley angled so that I couldn’t get past.

“When she finally stopped to choose some loose bananas, I managed to squeeze past, only to find this bitch had once again overtaken me while I was putting some Greek yoghurt and cottage cheese in my trolley at the cold section

The piece of human garbage then started crawling along at a snail’s pace in front of me once again, occasionally stopping to faff about endlessly while choosing an item from the shelves.

“It was at this point that I judged her to be a real piece of crap and somebody I would cheerfully empty a revolver into if I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for it”

Mr Dell’s assessment comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Shadwell told us, that, in her view, a man who held her up in the newsagent by counting out his small change on the counter was “a fucking arseole that should have been drowned in a bucket at birth”

LOCAL NEWS

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Each 6′ x 6′ room comes with its own naked lightbulb and fitted gruel cupboard –London District of Whitechapel

Man with only guidebook Spanish offers to rape Mallorqina hotel receptionist

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A 43-year-old Whitechapel man was being held by police on the Spanish island of Mallorca last night after the receptionist at the hotel he was booked into complained that when she checked him and his wife into their room he thanked her in Spanish and then went on to tell her he would like to rape her after dinner.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, told us last night: “I’d been learning a bit of Spanish from a guidebook so that I could interact with the locals and make a few basic requests like ordering a beer, asking directions and so on.

“All I did was to thank this girl and ask her what time the buffet opened for dinner in the evenings. I thought she’d be pleased that I’d made the effort.

“The next thing I knew, she’d slapped me across the face and called the police, or, policia, as they call them over here”

A spokesman for El Paradiso, the hotel where the alleged offence took place, said last night: “We’re used to the drunken English coming on to our waitresses and chambermaids but we draw the line at threats of rape after dinner”

This incident comes just two weeks after a Shoreditch man was given a 6-month sentence in Vilamoura in Portugal for calling a priest, ‘a fucking twat’, in church Latin after memorising a few phrases to use during The Eucharist

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