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NEXT WEEK: Alexa psychologically scars a teen boy after his request for the weather forecast for the week ahead results in “spotty little twat” jibe.

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NEXT WEEK: Alexa reduces a pregnant teen to tears after she requests information on breastfeeding and then gets called, “a big belly ho”

Local man freed after 5 days trapped in Google Plus

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A 47-year-old Whitechapel man has been freed by rescue workers after spending 5 days trapped in the now-defunct, internet-based social media network, Google Plus.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, was eventually found trapped under a number of photographs of people’s dinners and snaps of unpleasant-looking children following a three-day search by Google IT staff.

Mr Dell is now being treated in hospital for exhaustion, dehydration, and extreme boredom.

It is believed he became trapped after logging in by accident last Friday, just hours before Google closed the troubled site due to slow traffic and dire content.

In a similar incident last year, a 37-year-old woman was found dead in the online, employment-oriented website, Linkedin, after she was buried under an avalanche of fake job-experience claims and highly-questionable CVs.

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

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Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

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In other related news, the President has called for a meeting with Bob Airplane-Boeing to discuss the recent catastrophic systems failures on the new 737 airliner.

Facebook crackdown on ‘misleading avatars’

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Our sub-editor and sports correspondent pictured in the pub earlier

Social media giant, Facebook, has announced that anyone caught using a profile pic that’s over 10-years-old or one that’s been ‘doctored’ to make the account holder look passably attractive will be publicly shamed and then banned for life

A spokesman for Facebook told a press conference yesterday: “Anybody trying to hoodwink other account holders into believing that they are much younger by displaying an avatar using a picture taken when they were in their late teens or early twenties will have their account permanently removed.

“The same thing applies to people who use filter-enhancing software to mask the fact that have more wrinkles than an elderly shar-pei dog and generally look like shit on a stick”

This move follows hot on the heels of last months crackdown on fake profile pics by social media rivals, Twitter, who sent out death squads to gun down pathetically out-of-shape and ugly men who use pictures of bodybuilders as their avatar in a desperate attempt to get women to notice them.

Last man in Britain using internet dial-up dies during connection attempt

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Did you ever get this far? No, nor did we.

 

The last man in Britain still using an internet dial-up connection has passed away peacefully at his home, still in the process of getting online after beginning his attempt in October 2004.

Toby Dell, 57, from Whitechapel in East London, steadfastly refused the chance to switch to cable, despite the fact that he was suffering from tinnitus due to the constant bleeps and whistles coming from his desktop computer, and hadn’t been able to receive any landline calls for 14 years while his dial-up attempt had been in progress.

His wife, Tracy, told us last night: “The whole family kept telling him to switch to broadband but he wouldn’t have it.

“I once saw him go without food and sleep for 72 hours while he waited for a picture of a woman with big tits to download in 2002.

“At least he’s at peace now and we can sell his Atari Pong 4 video game consul and throw out his record player with the wind-up handle on the side”

The world record for a dial-up attempt is held by an 85-year-old man in China who hanged himself in 2016 after waiting 19 years to get online, only to get a “connection failed” notice when the little blue bar was tantalisingly just days away from the end of its travel.

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Tech News: New Apple smartwatch will alert you to people in the same room who have a wooden leg

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Breakthrough: An Apple iWatch 5 pictured last night

The Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled their latest piece of innovative technology in the shape of the Apple iWatch 5, which will not only tell you the time of day with a fair degree of accuracy but will also alert you to the fact that somebody in the same room as yourself has a wooden leg.

Speaking at last night’s Apple Special Event from The Steve Jobs Centre, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, told a thousand-strong audience: “This device will change the way you look at people in the same room forever.

“Now, instead of wondering whether any of them has a wooden leg, this device will emit a series of beeps whenever anybody who is fitted with one comes within 3 metres of the wearer”

Apple hopes that the device will be a boon to wearers who smoke and can’t find anywhere to stub out their cigarettes or knock out their pipe.

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