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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Jacob Rees-Mogg

LIFE UNDER LOCKDOWN

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EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’re from foreign parts and haven’t a clue who Jacob Rees Mogg is, take our word for it that he’s an English toff and politician who is also a complete anachronistic ponce…Oh, and Waitrose is a supermarket for people who have got a few quid. I expect it’s a bit like Walmart but with people wearing top hats and tails in it.

Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

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In a bit of a pickle. Rees-Mogg pictured exhausted after trying to get the top from a bottle of tomato sauce in the canteen

Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is set to spend his 12th successive Christmas struggling to get the lid off a jar of chilli and onion chutney that his wife bought in 2007 to go with the cold meat and mashed potatoes on Boxing Day.

A Westminster source has revealed that Rees-Mogg has tried everything to remove the lid, including; tapping the edge with a knife, wrenching it off using Mole Grips, wedging it in a door jamb, and using a Stilsens pipe wrench to twist the cap free.

“Jacob has very weak wrists’, the source reveals. “He always struggled to get the lids off of his bottles of pop at Eton and used to ask one of the smaller boys to do it for him.

“He’s a persistent chap though and once spent an entire day trying to flush the lavatory in The Commons after they’d had new press down handle cisterns installed.

“Eventually, he gave up and asked the Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbot, to do it for him.

“However, she had little luck herself after repeated flushings failed to dislodge a stubborn ‘submarine’ that he’d left stuck on the bottom”

Rees-Mogg angrily denied the rumours last night, pointing to the fact that he regularly pumps up the tyres on his penny-farthing bicycle and once ‘made the Queens eyes water’ with the firmness of his grip as he took her hand before kissing it during the recent controversial request to prorogue Parliament in August this year.

However, Rees-Mogg’s wife, Helena, confirmed the chutney story last night when she told newsmen: “I’m afraid I can’t deny the fact that Jacob’s been struggling with that jar.

“It’s become a bit of a family joke down the years, to be honest with you.

“For you see, nobody’s got the heart to tell him he’s been turning it the wrong way”

Olly Murs denies fathering big-faced Prince George of Cambridge

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Murs pictured in combative mood last night

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, last night furiously scotched rumours that he is the father of Prince George of Cambridge after a number of royal watchers remarked on the similarity between the singer and the massively-faced royal tot.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter from his home in Surrey, a clearly upset Murs said: “There’s no way I’m Prince George’s dad.

“I accept that he has a huge face like mine, but that doesn’t mean I’ve slept with Kate Middleton.

“I’ve only met the Duchess once when she came backstage after a gig, and although there was definitely a spark between us, I didn’t take the opportunity to give her one.

“Anyway, loads of kids of that age have big faces.

“Just look at Jacob Rees-Mogg’s youngest boy.

Even though his dad’s a rat-faced, skinny sod, the kid’s dial looks like it’s been run over by a steamroller”

A spokesman for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge said last night: “There’s no way Olly Murs is George’s dad and if that Jeremy Kyle Show was still on the telly Prince William would take a paternity test live on air to prove it”

Jacob Rees-Mogg/Ann Widdecombe, saucy imagery cured my ‘hair-trigger’ sex problem says local man

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that conjuring up imagery of right-wing MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, having sex with Brexit Party figurehead and former Strictly Come Dancing contestant, Ann Widdecombe, has been a major factor in overcoming the chronic premature ejaculation issues that have dogged him since his late teens.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Commercial Street, told us: “I’ve never been able to satisfy a woman in bed due to this hair-trigger problem of mine.

“My wife moved into the spare room years ago after growing tired of my constant failure to display any staying power.

“I’ve always had a problem in this area, and, once, in my early teens, had a shattering climax just by asking a girl in my class if I could borrow her ruler.

“Now, thanks to the imagery of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Ann Widdecombe going at it full pelt, I have found a new lease of life between the sheets.

“Last Saturday, I managed well over 5-minutes with the wife, although, I have to admit that I’d drunk 12 cans of Tennant’s Super before the off.”

Mr Dell’s revelation comes just a week after a 40-year-old milkman from neighbouring Poplar revealed that he’d increased his staying power tenfold by thinking about, Bake-Off presenter, Mary Berry, copping a vicious back-scuttling from motoring guru and journalist, Jeremy Clarkson.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues highlighted in this piece, I’d keep it very much to yourself if I were you – Ed.

Jacob Rees-Mogg to be appointed Minister of Deceit

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It was rumoured last night, that staunch Brexit hardliner, Jacob Rees-Mogg, will be appointed, Secretary of State For Deceit in new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s first Cabinet reshuffle later on today.

This will make the Old Etonian backbencher responsible for issuing ludicrously optimistic statements about the United Kingdom’s fiscal outlook post-Brexit, as well as brazenly denying any semblance of government responsibility for the dire economic consequences as a result of a disorderly Brexit, should one take place.

Speaking from outside his Surrey home last night, Rees-Mogg told newsmen: “All of this is purely conjecture and media chatter, but if I were offered the position, I would welcome the opportunity of hoodwinking the electorate by issuing a constant torrent of misinformation and downright falsehoods whenever the situation called for it.”

When questioned about whether he would also be prepared to gloss over the new PM’s alleged domestic violence issues as well as his constant lying and overt racism he jotted down the name of the journalist concerned in a small pocketbook before declining to issue any comment

Jacob Rees Mogg held following ‘frenzied attack’ on Honey Boo Boo

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Boo Boo pictured outside Horseferry Road magistrates court yesterday

Controversial Conservative backbencher and leading Brexiteer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been remanded in custody by Horseferry Road magistrates after allegedly attacking, child tv personality, Honey Boo Boo, with a Victorian life-preserver – a type of wooden cudgel.

Rees-Mogg, 49, allegedly lay in wait for the youngster outside The Marriot Hotel in Westminster where she was staying during a family holiday with her parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear.

According to an eye-witness, the Tory MP for North-East Somerset, launched a frenzied attack on Boo Boo as she made her way to a waiting Uber taxi, bludgeoning her to the ground before making off towards Vauxhall Bridge.

A close friend of the Tory toff told us last night: “I’m not surprised that Jacob has battered Honey Boo Boo.

“He’s never liked her and used to slag her off in Latin whenever her show was on.

” I once saw him kick his telly screen in during an episode in which Honey was being fitted for a beauty pageant ball gown”

In 2014, Rees-Mogg was fined £150 and bound over to keep the peace after punching, American singing star, Little Jimmy Osmond, in the stomach in a restaurant in Knightsbridge.

HEALTH SERVICE WOULD BE CRIPPLED BY HARD BREXIT SAYS HEALTH SERVICE

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Ah yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Politics

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DISCLAIMER: No Old Etonian toffs or silly dancers were harmed during the conception and construction of this meme – Ed

Jacob Rees-Mogg eaten alive by a lion

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Rees-Mogg pictured in happier times before he was torn apart by the lion

The world of politics was in shock last night as news broke that right-wing Conservative Party backbencher and hardline Brexiter, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been attacked and then eaten by a lion that he was keeping as a pet at his London home

Rees-Mogg, 49, had owned the beast since 2016 and kept it in an upstairs bedroom. He told friends that he had named it, Winston and that he saw it as a symbol of the might of the British Empire of yesteryear.

He came under fire in January last year when the creature devoured one of his children and he refused to have it put down, claiming that the child ‘must have been teasing it’

The lion has been shot with a tranquiliser dart and is now believed to be recovering at, Chequers, the home of Prime Minister, Theresa May, who was a constant butt of Rees-Mogg’s barbed attacks.

She told newsmen outside Downing Street last night: “As a cat lover, I felt duty bound to give Winston a good home.

“I shall tend to his needs personally and he shall accompany me to Cabinet meetings, Prime Minister’s Question Time, and any forthcoming Brexit negotiations trips to Brussels”

Rees-Mogg is not the first Conservative MP to be eaten by a wild beast

In 1969, flamboyant Tory backbencher, Sir Gerald Nabarro, was devoured by a crocodile after toppling from a walkway into its enclosure at London Zoo after a late-night drinking session with members of the British Zoological Society

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