Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Tag

journalism

Prince Philip slams “Slitty-eyed Chinaman driver” following crash

Image result for prince philip
Prince Philip pictured looking pale and pretty drunk following the accident yesterday

Following the road traffic accident yesterday in which a Range Rover being driven by HRH Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh, ended up in a ditch, the 97-year-old Duke put the blame squarely on the driver of the other car involved in the incident, who he described as, “a slitty-eyed Chinaman who was driving like an Indian”

Philip, 97, told newsmen: “I was driving along minding my own business on the way back from the pub when this other car came straight at me like a bat out of bloody hell.

“I’ve seen Indians drive better and that’s bloody saying something believe you me.

“I didn’t get a really good look at the Johnny in the other jalopy, but he was an odd-looking cove with yellow skin and slitty eyes. A bit like a bloody Chinaman.

“One minute we’re teaching these blighters how to use a knife and fork, and the next, they’re forcing off our own bloody roads.”

The Duke was said to be comfortable last night, although a royal insider said he was suffering from minor bruising following a late night, whisky-fuelled rolling pin attack by The Queen.

Strange But True #8713

brexit ferry cock up

This spoof front page, my friends, is based on a factual event which took place in this sceptred isle last week and is indicative of the complete shitshow that Brexit has now become.

Sometimes, our work as satirists is made simple by the actions of politicians.

This debacle is a case in point.

Still, we’ve got our country back, my friends!

Now, who ordered the Quatro Formaggio deep crust with pineapple?

ray liotta brexit meme

‘Frail’ Prince Philip now communicating using a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp

A_Wren_transmitting_messages_using_an_Aldis_lamp_in_1944._D19088
A young woman pictured signalling to her boyfriend with an Aldis Lamp last night

A source close to the royal family yesterday revealed that The Duke of Edinburgh now has to communicate with family members and members of the royal household via a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp.

The frail Duke, now aged 112, can no longer speak, other than to utter the odd cuss word, and now uses the lamp exclusively from his bath chair or horse and carriage.

The palace insider told a magazine: “The Duke even uses his Aldis at the dinner table and got a rather lengthy telling-off from The Queen over Christmas dinner when he temporarily blinded her while complaining about the consistency of the plum pudding”

The Duke’s current plight mirrors that of Tsar Nicolas II of Russia who, in his later years, had to make small talk at royal functions using Morse Code.

Whitechapel Named European District of Rupture

truss
The coveted, Golden Truss of Montreaux. Notice how its goldness has faded down the years due to wear and tear and so on

The people of Whitechapel were in jubilant mood last night after beating off stiff competition from over 500 major towns across Europe to win the prestigious, European District of Rupture Award, the first East London area ever to do so.

Each year, the prestigious, Golden Truss of Montreaux, is awarded to the town or district which can boast the highest number of people per square mile who are suffering from a rupture.

Whitechapel narrowly pipped Berne in Switzerland for the crown by notching up an estimated 67 rupturees, compared to 63 from their Swiss rivals.

Whitechapel’s Mayor, The Honourable Toby Dell, MBE, told newsmen: “This is a great accolade for the area and a tribute to its people.

“I knew that a lot of people round here were ruptured but I had no idea it was this many.

“I’m actually ruptured myself but was unable to be counted because of my high office, otherwise, we’d have thrashed the others by even more”

Whitechapel’s triumph comes just a year after Bermondsey in South London won the highly prized, World District of Erectile Dysfunction Award for a record fourth year in succession.

BREAKING

download (2)

A very Merry Christmas to all our readers. Please drink responsibly, the pair of you!

JUST IN

download

In other news: Trump’s latest IQ test reveals a slight rise. His doctor suspects he has early-stage dementia.

CRIME DESK

download

In other news, Melania Trump’s approval rating drops to just 38%. That’s still an awful lot of industrial strength idiots

Endangered white rhino now totally extinct in Whitechapel

dorset_street_whitechapel_lens_view
Dorset Street in Whitechapel pictured last night with no white rhinos in it

The World Wildlife Fund announced last night that the critically endangered white rhino is now totally extinct in the Whitechapel area.

A spokesman for the organisation told The National Geographic Society: “No white rhinos have been spotted in Whitechapel for over two weeks.

“It is therefore with great sadness that we must assume that they are now extinct in the region.

“Hunting is probably the main cause, although the creatures’ favourite feeding areas around the bins at the back of pie and mash shops have been decimated by recent closures due to a pre-Brexit mash shortage.”

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement by The Zoological Society in London, that the extremely rare, Sumatran elephant, is almost extinct in the neighbouring district of Cripplegate, with only 2 breeding pairs left in the swing park just off Bygrove Street.

Meghan and Kate come to blows following ‘Vinegar Tits’ jibe

meghan_kate

It’s been alleged that The Duchess of Cambridge and her sister-in-law, The Duchess of Sussex had a bruising fist fight in the grounds of Kensington Palace last week following a remark by the former when she referred to the American ex-actress as, ‘vinegar tits’ after she had scolded one of the servants at the palace.

A royal insider revealed: “It was a real tear-up. Kate called Meghan a miserable colonial slag and vinegar tits after Meghan had coated off one of the servants for turning up late with her afternoon bottle of Jim Beam.

“Meghan fronted her up and they went outside for an up-and-a-downer. It was a pretty tasty ruck, I don’t mind telling you.

“Fortunately, The Queen spotted them pulling each other’s hair in the garden out of an upstairs window and told them to leave it out or she’d take their titles away and they wouldn’t be allowed to come to Sandringham for the Christmas drink up”

This is not the first time royal sisters-in-law have been involved in a violent confrontation. In 1995, Sarah Ferguson and Princess Diana had a vicious 20-minute scrap in the quadrangle of Buckingham Palace after Diana called Fergie, “a fat turd” and “The Duchess of Pork”, following a drunken jibe from Sarah when she called Di, a “big nosed bint”, after a boozy luncheon in The State Room at Windsor Castle.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑