The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


Len Goodman

Strictly’s Len Goodman to be brought down in a controlled explosion


It was announced yesterday that Strictly Come Dancing legend, Len Goodman, will be brought down in a controlled explosion on the 23rd of December this year.

Goodman, 116, has become increasingly unsteady in recent years, and structural engineers have expressed concern that the ex- Strictly judge and former dancer could topple over at any time, causing damage to people in his vicinity.

Demolition experts will attach explosives to one of Goodman’s legs, the plan being to blow it off at the knee, causing his body to fall harmlessly to one side onto a piece of waste ground close to his birthplace in Bethnal Green, East London.

A close friend said last night: “It’s what Len would have wanted, in all honesty.

“He’s asked for his Strictly tuxedo to be auctioned off for charity and for there to be a special Argentinian tango night at the York Hall to commemorate his passing”.

Former Strictly colleague, Craig Revel Horwood, told newsmen last night: “It’s not before time, darling. I absolutely hated the old bastard”


No overtly effeminate men or hard-faced bitch queens were hurt during the writing of this article – Ed

Storm as Trump appoints Strictly’s Len Goodman to Supreme Court

The judge they dread. Len pictured giving an invalid 10 years for limping in public yesterday

There was a growing sense of disquiet amongst liberal Americans last night as President Trump announced that he was nominating, former Strictly Come Dancing judge, Len Goodman, for a place on The United States Supreme Court.

Hardliner, Goodman, is an outspoken opponent of gay rights and abortion who famously dubbed fellow judge, Bruno Tonioli, ‘a light-footed bum bandit’ after the openly gay Italian had given, hunky contestant, Ben Cohen, a 10 following a flawed Argentinian tango.

Goodman also came under fire from feminists in 2010 when he told Darcey Bussell to, ‘shut up and get on with the ironing’ when she disagreed with his decision to send Ann Widdecombe packing following a shambolic display in the dance off against Paul Daniels.

Trump’s decision will be strongly criticised by liberal Republicans and Democrats alike, although many will be breathing a sigh of relief that he didn’t nominate, extreme right-winger, Craig Revell Horwood, who has frequently attracted criticism for his outspoken views on human rights and his calls for Strictly judges to be given dispensation to open fire on contestants who repeatedly fail to keep their shoulders back during the Viennese Waltz.

My new life as a seal pup is going swimmingly says Strictly’s Len Goodman

len goodman baby seal

In an exclusive interview with The Whitechapel Whelk, former Strictly Come Dancing judge, Len Goodman, has told us, that since leaving the show after 48 years, he has become a seal pup and his life has never been happier.

Len, 138, spoke to us from his new home on an ice floe off the coast of Newfoundland: “After I left Strictly, there was a huge void in my life. I started moping around the house and the wife was getting really fed up with having me under her feet all day.

“Then, I hit upon the idea of becoming a seal pup and, I have to say, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

“These days I just mooch around on the ice or take the occasional dip in the sea. It’s pretty chilly mind you and my adopted mum has to help shove me back up onto the ice again, but it’s a good healthy life and at least I don’t have to listen to Craig Revel Horwood’s whining or have Bruno Tonioli leaping up and down in the seat next to me like a chimpanzee with a red-hot poker up it’s arse.

“I quite liked Darcey Bussell though and would definitely have given her a seeing-to if the opportunity had presented itself.

“The only concern I have these days is about seal hunters. They sometimes show up looking for quarry, so me and my mum make ourselves scarce behind a rock,or else we just dive into the sea until they’ve gone. I’ve never been much of a one for clubbing anyway.”

Len’s revelations come just a week after the former leader of the right-wing, United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, told reporters that he’s now living in a remote jungle in Sumatra as a gibbon, and spends his days grooming, squabbling and mating with lots of other monkeys.

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