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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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letters to the editor

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

stalin

Dear Sir

I wish to express my disquiet at the recent High Court decision to find the actor, Johnny Depp, guilty of assaulting his wife.
I have just watched the film, Edward Scissorhands, in which Depp plays the lead, and it’s fairly obvious, that if the bloke HAD given his missus the odd backhander, he’d have chopped her head off.

Ben Cartwright
Ponderosa Trading Estate
White City

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Dear Sir

I have managed to alleviate the symptoms of claustrophobia by going into small spaces, such as lifts and cupboards, looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars

Gus Toad
Braintree
Tasmania

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Dear Sir

I have discovered, that if you staple together a number of those ads for sex phone lines that you find towards the back of men’s magazines you can make a handy little softcore grumble mag for a pet hamster or tortoise.

Melania Trump

Mexico

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Dear Sir

In his smash hit single, Dancin’ In The Dark, Bruce Springstein makes the claim that you can’t start a fire without a spark.
So how come the Germans managed to burn down my nan and grandad’s house during the war by dropping a bomb on it, killing them both instantly?
Come on Bruce, Do your research.

Archbishop of Canterbury
12 Shit Street
Bermondsey

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Dear Sir

They say that music soothes the savage beast, and yet my wife was yesterday torn to pieces and devoured by a lion while we were on safari in Africa, despite the fact that I was playing, Take Me Home Country Roads, on the mouth organ at the time

Ted Fuck
Grimsby

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Dear Sir

I’ve managed to convince my neighbours I’m a lorry driver by purchasing a 5-tonne low-loader which I use to pick up and murder hitchhikers

Theresa May
Dar Es Salaam

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Dear Sir

I’ve never understood the concept of Strictly Come Dancing
Instead of going to the time and expense of training celebrities to waltz and cha cha cha over the course of a number of weeks, why not just employ some pro dancers and we can watch them instead.
The money saved could be used to build new hospitals or something.

Boris Johnson
Unicorn Avenue
Titsfield

Letters To The Editor

stalin

Dear Sir

If you’re too tired to make an early morning cup of tea, simply drink one just before you go to sleep. Your body temperature will then keep it warm through the night, so that all you need do in the morning is make yourself sick into an empty mug which you have left on your bedside table and re-drink it..

Gus Ironliver

Stepney E2

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Dear Sir

In my opinion, these wind turbines are ridiculous. We have quite enough wind in this country without building these great big fans. Yet again it’s another case of wasting taxpayer’s money on unnecessary follies.

Mary-Jane Fuck

Spitalfields E4

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Dear Sir

Why is it considered acceptable for horses to shit in the street, and yet when I did it last Saturday night outside The Ten Bells, I was arrested and beaten up in the cells? I wouldn’t mind but I’m the one who pays council tax

Gwendoline Bestial-Rutting

West Ham E7

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Dear Sir

My local butcher’s shop is so clean you could eat an uncooked sausage out of his trouser pocket. I know this to be true as I spotted my wife doing just that last week and she has shown no ill effects whatsoever

Teddy Gizzard

Whitechapel E1

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Dear Sir

I watched a hospital-based documentary last night, during which, an ambulance pulled up outside with a sick patient inside. Almost immediately, a young nurse came out and asked the driver if he ‘wanted to offload’. How typical of our caring health workers that this young woman’s first instinct was to offer to masturbate this hardworking paramedic.

Tracy Ribcage

Silvertown

Letters To The Editor

stalin

Dear Sir

Here’s some sage advice for any of your readers who are caring for an elderly parent or relative.

Before mealtimes, give them a set of novelty clockwork teeth. They can then use these to pre-chew their food before actually putting it into their mouths.

Anne Fuck

Stepney

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Dear Sir

I’m not a bigoted man, but I’d strongly advise the president of The United States to change the name of his country retreat, Camp David, to something a bit more manly.

How on earth does he expect despotic world leaders to mend their ways when he invites them for talks at a place with such a gay name?

I suggest he calls it Butch Brad, Assertive Al or No-Nonsense Mr Knuckles, or something along those lines.

Yours etc

Bill Pantypads

Wapping Dock

*******

Dear Sir

They say that many hands makes light work, but I’m the Hindu god, Vishnu, and despite having eight arms, and therefore quite a few hands, I have been unable to repair my bedside lamp no matter how hard I try.

Where’s the accuracy or fairness in that?

Yours etc

Vishnu Hardcastle

Shoreditch

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Dear Sir

I recently made myself feel like a top espionage agent by opening a Proton, encrypted email account. For added authenticity, I travelled to Moscow where I spent many hours, lurking in a shop doorway looking at The Kremlin through binoculars.

Michael Toad

Lubyanka Prison (Torture Wing)

Moscow

Letters To The Editor

jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

If you’re too tired to make an early morning cup of tea, simply drink one just before you go to sleep. Your body temperature will then keep it warm through the night so that all you need do in the morning is make yourself sick into an empty mug which you have left on your bedside table.

Gus Ironliver

Stepney E2

***********

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

In my opinion, these wind turbines are ridiculous. We have quite enough wind in this country without building these great big fans. Yet again it’s another case of wasting taxpayer’s money

Mary-Jane Fuck

Spitalfields E4

************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Why is it considered acceptable for horses to shit in the street and not me? I’m the one who pays council tax

Gwendoline Bestial-Rutting

West Ham E7

*************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

My local butcher’s shop is so clean you could eat an uncooked sausage out of his trouser pocket. I know this to be true as I spotted my wife doing just that last week and she has shown no ill effects whatsoever

Teddy Gizzard

Whitechapel E1

Letters to the editor

jo whelk meme

Dear Sir

Why don’t they put a stop to all this furore over building a third runway at Heathrow by simply building it on the vacant site of the ‘Jungle’ migrant camp in Calais? That way, nobody would have to lose their homes and all the refugees that are still hiding from the French authorities in the woods nearby could come out and work as baggage handlers or air traffic control personnel.

Gus Uterus

Whitechapel.

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Dear Sir

During the second World War surely it would have been better not to have used a closet homosexual like Alan Turing as a code-breaker at Bletchley Park. Imagine how much quicker we could have deciphered important messages from the Germans if the bloke given the task wasn’t constantly looking at the other boffins’ arses. I mean to say, it would be like asking me to do the crossword surrounded by naked Penthouse Pets.

Albie Urinal-Mint

Also From Whitechapel

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Dear Sir

I have a tip for one-eyed people. Why not drink heavily first thing in the morning until you can see two of everything. Then, hey presto. perfect 20/20 vision for the rest of the day

Belinda Fuck

Just outside Whitechapel

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Dear Sir

I’m a single man who has created the illusion of being married by tuning my radio between channels until it emits a constant high-pitched whine. For added authenticity, I have become celibate and occasionally hit myself over the head with a saucepan after coming home from the pub.

Tim Bowel-Concerns

Nowhere near Whitechapel

 

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