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Slow-walking woman in supermarket a real piece of crap: Local man’s snap judgement

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A supermarket, clearly not in inner-city London pictured last night

A woman who walked slowly in front of a 42-year-old Whitechapel man in his local supermarket was a real piece of crap according to a snap judgement he made at the time

Toby Dell from Commercial Street, told us last night: “This woman entered the store at the same time as me and I realised at once she was going to be a real problem.

“She began walking slowly in front of me with her trolley angled so that I couldn’t get past.

“When she finally stopped to choose some loose bananas, I managed to squeeze past, only to find this bitch had once again overtaken me while I was putting some Greek yoghurt and cottage cheese in my trolley at the cold section

The piece of human garbage then started crawling along at a snail’s pace in front of me once again, occasionally stopping to faff about endlessly while choosing an item from the shelves.

“It was at this point that I judged her to be a real piece of crap and somebody I would cheerfully empty a revolver into if I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for it”

Mr Dell’s assessment comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Shadwell told us, that, in her view, a man who held her up in the newsagent by counting out his small change on the counter was “a fucking arseole that should have been drowned in a bucket at birth”

LOCAL NEWS

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Each 6′ x 6′ room comes with its own naked lightbulb and fitted gruel cupboard –London District of Whitechapel

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NEXT WEEK: Alexa psychologically scars a teen boy after his request for the weather forecast for the week ahead results in “spotty little twat” jibe.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

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Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of 2 living on benefits in Stepney.
Last week, I ordered one of those battery-powered strip lights to use in the kitchen so that I could save on the electric bill.
However, it uses up the batteries so fast that it’s even more expensive than an electric one.
I took it back to the shop but the man I bought it from wouldn’t give me a refund. He just said I should have realised that the batteries would run out quick and that it was tough shit
Please help if you can Danny as it’s such a struggle to get by with two little ones and I just can’t afford to throw money away like this. xxx

Tracy Dell
22 Lee Street
Stepney E2

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and knocked the geezer spark out with a blinding shot to the chin.
I then went in with the boot, rupturing his spleen and breaking a few ribs while I was about it
The mug then tries to get up off the deck, so I waited until he got up on one knee before pulling my razor and giving him a striping across his boat race.
He went down again due to blood loss so I stamped on his nut, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
At this point, his bird came steaming out from the back of the shop, crying and begging me to leave it out.
I felt sorry for the kid so I robbed the till and left.
I’m sending you 500 sovs of the takings to treat yourself and the saucepan lids to a day out in Southend. The sea air and some currant bun will set you up a treat, my lovely.
All the very best, princess
Your Pal
Danny

Danny Sparko is Acting Chairperson of The Fractured Eye Socket & Permanent Kidney Damage Association

Local man realises he has what it takes to slay unruly child pushing junior supermarket trolley

 

A 47-year-old Whitechapel man last night told us that a 7-year-old child who was running around a local supermarket with one of the small trolleys made available by the store for youngsters, deserved to die and that he was just the man to get the job done.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer spoke to The Whelk from his home in Vallance Road: “This kid was racing up and down the aisles with this miniature trolley like an absolute bastard.

“He narrowly missed colliding with my own trolley on a couple of occasions and almost ran over my foot as I was heading for the checkout.

“It was at this point that I realised that he deserved to die and that I would be more than happy to get the job squared away myself.

“It’s not that often that I feel murderous intent towards kids, but I swear to God I would have pulled a gun and blasted this piece of crap to absolute fuck if I’d thought I would get away with it”

The manager of the Lidl store in question told us last night: “I can understand where Mr Dell is coming from on this one.

“I’ve never been keen on the idea of junior trolleys and knew all along that it would induce murderous hatred in some of our customers.

“I’ve even felt like smashing one or two of the little scumbags over the head with a hammer myself”

If you’ve ever felt like bludgeoning a small child to death in a supermarket we don’t blame you one iota -Ed.

Survey: British women consume three times their own bodyweight during an all-inclusive holiday.

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A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed, that during the course of a 14-night, all-inclusive holiday break, the average British woman will eat up to 3 times her own bodyweight in the hotel dining area.

The 5-year study, conducted in a number of Spanish holiday resorts, found that over 90 per cent of women have two, and sometimes three, main course meals, and up to 5 desserts during the course of the evening, as well as consuming more calories during breakfast and lunch than an Olympic weightlifter in the super-heavyweight class.

Professor, Toby Dell, MRCP, who led the study, told a nutritionist’s conference in Westminster: “It’s not fully understood why women, in particular, behave in this way.

“One theory is that they are replenishing lost body mass, shed during the ubiquitous, pre-holiday dieting.

“Another supposition puts forward the premise that women, particularly those whose holiday has been paid for by a partner, are making sure that he or she gets full value for money.

“While others, and I include myself in this category, lean towards the theory that they are just greedy fuckers”

These findings come just a month after a study by Swansea University found that holidaying overweight men with bitch tits and hairy backs who criticise women’s bodies on the beach, invariably have small penises, suffer from erectile dysfunction, and are bullied in the workplace.

HEALTH & PHILOSOPHY

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©Cosmarxpolitan is a Commie Smart Dude Publication. All rights are the opium of the people.

Business News: Goldman Sachs employees to be allowed to carry out duties with their cocks out

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In a surprise move, the international banking giant, Goldman Sachs, has announced that their recent initiative to introduce a more relaxed dress code is to be extended to allow male employees to have their cocks hanging out during working hours at their offices in London’s Fleet Street.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We feel that this move will allow workers to feel more relaxed and less constrained by a restrictive dress code that currently doesn’t allow cocks to be displayed in the work environment.

“It will also help office managers to identify male staff who have been watching porn during working hours”

The initiative has already been trialled in the firm’s New York offices where it was a huge success resulting in a 4 per cent rise in profits.

The move has met with some opposition, however, with one female executive calling it, ‘a bit unsightly’, while a number of male employees with small penises have expressed concerns about it being made compulsory.

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DISCLAIMER: No chlorine-washed chicken or hominy grits flooded the Brit food market during the publishing of this front page, hopefully.

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