A 9-year-old East London boy cursed bitterly yesterday as the promised heavy snowfall in the London area failed to materialise, forcing him to make a half-arsed snowball by despondently scooping up a handful of melting slush and mud from the grass verge outside his Whitechapel home.
The youngster was later heard to mutter, “northern cunts’ as he watched the news on TV and saw his counterparts in Yorkshire joyously sledging down steep hills in nearby streets and parks.
A 40-year-old man from Vallance Road has pitched a tent alongside his laptop in a bid to be the first to grab a bargain at the January online sales.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer and father of 5, told us: “There’s no way I’m going to miss out on saving a few bob this year.
“As soon as the online sales start, I’m going to have my lid up and be logged on before all the bargains get snapped up.
“I’ve got my eye on a colour telly from Curry’s that’s being knocked down to 200 quid and I’m also hoping to pick up a set of saucepans that are going for half-price on Amazon.
“It’s not easy sleeping in a tent next to my lappy and I’ve had a bit of trouble from passing family members coming home from the pub.
“My missus threw a lit firework through the tent flap on Christmas Eve, and last night, a couple of the kids had a shit in a baking tray and tipped it over my head when I came out to do a bit of cooking on the camping stove”
This year, more and more people are sleeping next to their computers with emergency services issuing guidance on safety measures after a 23-year-old woman from Cripplegate died from exposure in her sleeping bag after camping alongside her iPhone for 6 nights hoping to snap up some cut-price tights in the Boxing Day sales on eBay.
People living in London have been warned to stay indoors today and not to make non-essential journeys, as what weathermen are calling, a thunder bastard snow-dusting of death looks set to smash into the capital this afternoon.
BBC forecaster, Bill Giles, issued a stark warning last night: “Everybody should remain indoors during the thunder bastard.
“To venture outside in a severe dusting of this magnitude would mean certain death. No question”
Weathermen have also advised people living in the Scottish Highlands to change from wearing a vest to a short-sleeved t-shirt this weekend where the mercury is set to dip to minus 48 Celsius accompanied by unprecedented heavy snowfalls lasting 3 months and with daily hurricane-force winds in excess of 300mph.
A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman told The Whelk of her intense shame last night as she admitted interacting with total strangers on public transport.
Tracy Dell, a legal secretary from Vallance Road, told us: “I was on the number 24 bus from Victoria to Hampstead Heath, when, to my horror, I saw that the driver had collapsed at the wheel and that we were heading straight for a shop front in Charing Cross Road.
“I shiftily looked across at the people sitting opposite and tried to convey my concern by looking down at my shoes and then glancing up and making awkward eye contact, but to no avail.
“In the end, I felt I had no choice and just yelled out: “Everybody get down. The fucking driver’s keeled over”
“Fortunately, this seemed to do the trick and one or two people looked up from their phones and dived self-consciously to the floor just moments before we ploughed into the bookshop.
“There was a bit of an awkward silence at this point. Nobody seemed to know what to say. We just lay there, feeling horrendously exposed and tried desperately not to look at one another.
“Eventually, we all shuffled off the bus and began making our way in silence to the nearest bus stop.
“The worst part was the look of horror on those people’s faces as I spoke to them uninvited. Their shock and embarrassment will live with me to the grave.”
The bus driver was later taken to hospital where he was treated for minor injuries and mild post-traumatic stress caused by a passerby asking him if he was alright.
In the early 1900s, all of Britain’s newly-manufactured nautical ropes were sent to Rotherhithe in south-east London, where highly skilled artisans would season the raw hemp by passing wind over the coiled ropes in specially designed sheds, or, Gruff Houses, as they were known.
Each Ropefarter would eat up to 12 tins of beans and 3lbs of Brussel sprouts before each 11-hour shift and would often expel up to 600 atmospheres of gas during that time. That’s enough to inflate an average hot air balloon 5-times.
The Ropefarters were eventually made redundant by the shipping companies when residents in neighbouring Bermondsey complained about the noise and smell after a number of young children and elderly people died from asphyxiation during a 24-hour shift on a blisteringly hot day in July 1903.
People across London were preparing to batten down the hatches last night following Met Office warnings of lowish temperatures accompanied by a light dusting of snow at some point during the coming week.
BBC weatherman, Darren Bett, told viewers last night: “According to the radar, a Siberian Baby-Crusher Thunder Bastard Snow Dusting of Despair is gathering force over Western Europe and is expected to hit the South-Eastern corner of Britain, including London, around Tuesday night.
“Temperatures could fall as low as 4, or even 5 degrees Celsius in the capital, accompanied by the odd snow flurry that could leave a light dusting on walls and shed roofs across the entire region.
“Our advice is to stay under the duvet for a few days until we tell you it’s safe to have a look out of the window.
“Under no circumstances venture outside, unless it’s to clear the shelves in the supermarket of soup and bottled water before the old people get to it”.
This cold snap is forecast to be the worst since the infamous, Granny-Smasher Child-Murdering Beast From the East, dumped 2 millimetres of snow on Whitechapel Road in 1963, causing widespread traffic disruption and resulting in a number of women resorting to completely unnecessarily turning the heating up before sitting shivering on the sofa, draped in duvets and watching TV while sipping from steaming mugs of Bovril.
If you have an elderly relative or neighbour it might be an idea to be extra nice to them over the next day or two on the off-chance that they’ll leave you a few quid in their will if they’re killed by the Siberian Baby-Crusher – Ed.
A recent survey conducted amongst people living in the Greater London area has revealed that 9 out of 10 people, of all ages, ethnic groups, sexes and religions, would like nothing better than to see the actor, comedian, voiceover man, awards ceremony host and game show everpresent, James Corden, fired into the Sun.
This latest survey follows a recent extensive Gallup poll conducted in Washington DC, which found that an astonishing 99% of the population would be more than happy to personally saw Piers Morgan’s head off with a rusty fish knife.
The remaining 1% thought that it would be too good for him.
A 35-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that an anti-terrorist police officer pinged the braces on his trousers after the clips and adjuster bars set off an audio alert as the man passed through a metal detector at the Remembrance Sunday service at The Cenotaph in central London yesterday morning.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck exporter from Leman Street, told us: “As soon as I walked through the metal detector a siren went off and an armed anti-terrorist officer drew me to one side.
“He patted me down and then used a hand-held detector which kept going off when it was passed close to my waistband.
“I then remembered that the clips on my braces were made from steel and raised my sweatshirt so that the officer could see the cause of the problem, and that I wasn’t packing any heat.
“To my disgust, he then pulled both straps out as far as he could and released them, causing them to snap back hard against my chest, and most noticeably, my nipple area.
“I began to protest, but the officer just laughed and pulled my hat down over my eyes before kicking me up the arse.
“I felt upset and humiliated as I had a girl with me and it was our first date. She barely spoke to me after that”
A spokesman for The Metropolitan Police told us last night: “It’s not common practice for officers to snap people’s braces but this bloke sounds like he deserved it, the fucking idiot.”
More as we get it.
The above is loosely based on an incident which happened to me yesterday, although I must state for the record that the officer concerned didn’t actually kick me up the arse. I bet he wanted to though. – Ed