The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a teeming and vibrant city like London during a health emergency can be a challenging, and sometimes, a dangerous business.

Take last Saturday evening for example. The lads from my unit, along with myself, were relaxing in the canteen before going out on patrol in the West End to look for people flouting the lockdown regulations.

We then got a shout from upstairs that a bunch of anti-lockdown nutters had gathered outside St Thomas’ Hospital in Lambeth where they were giving a load of grief to the doctors and nurses coming off shift after a tough day on the covid wards.

We immediately deployed to the scene and laid into the protestors with our batons, leaving many of them unconscious on the deck.

We threw a few of these into the Thames to bring them round before setting off back to the wagons.

At this point, I realised I’d worked up a bit of a thirst, so I told the lads I’d see them back at the nick and broke into nearby Lambeth Palace where I got stuck into the Bishop of London’s booze cabinet until I spewed my ring up into the font and collapsed to the deck in a pool of my own piss and sick.

Evenin’ all

PC Ted is the vice-chancellor of the Severe Liver Damage and Projectile Vomiting Association

Local jihadist expresses annoyance as Londoners enjoy quiet drink following London Bridge outrage

Infidel jackals pictured defying the will of Allah last night

A 23-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London with a conviction for terrorism, rang the Whitechapel Whelk office last night to express his annoyance that Londoners seemed to be enjoying their customary Friday evening drink in the bars around London Bridge just hours after a terrorist incident left two people dead, three injured, and saw the terrorist subsequently shot dead on the bridge by armed officers from The City of London Police.

Tobias al-Delhaam, who was released from prison last July after serving three years for involvement in a terrorist plot, told us: “I walked down to London Bridge last night to pay my respects to my slain brother and was astonished to see all the bars full of people, drinking and chatting as if they didn’t have a care in the world.

“Do they not fear us? Why don’t they tremble before our might and fear for their worthless, infidel lives?

“It was the same after the punishment we inflicted on them at Borough Market and Westminster Bridge.

“These dogs seem impervious to our jihad and to the will of Allah”

We then put the man on hold, locked up the office and went to the pub across the road for a few pints and a game of darts.

Yes, and I won! – Ed.

Whitechapel braces itself for Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death

Prepared. A wooden post braces itself in readiness as a local woman runs like merry f**k

The London district of Whitechapel is preparing to batten down the hatches as weathermen warn of a destructive Atlantic front, dubbed, The Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death, which is predicted to wreak its full fury on the area during the early hours of tomorrow morning.

A Met Office spokesman told newsmen: “We expect the Thunder Bastard to hit the west coast at around 22.00.

“There will undoubtedly be widespread disruption to services along with structural damage to many unimportant areas like Cornwall and Gloucestershire before it reaches London shortly after midnight.

“We strongly advise all Londoners to wrap up warm in their best cashmere pyjamas and to ensure that emergency supplies of Prosecco and petit fours are on hand in case supply routes to their local Waitrose or delicatessen are affected in the days to follow.”

According to storm-tracking equipment, the Thunder Bastard will swing north later on in the day, reaching the Scottish border by late afternoon on Friday, causing millions of pounds worth of improvements across the entire region as it sweeps north towards Aberdeen.

‘F**k this’ thinks snow-deprived London child scooping up handful of mud and slush

See the source image
A London child pictured yesterday with an unused snow measuring stick and crudely-fashioned slush cat

A 9-year-old East London boy cursed bitterly yesterday as the promised heavy snowfall in the London area failed to materialise, forcing him to make a half-arsed snowball by despondently scooping up a handful of melting slush and mud from the grass verge outside his Whitechapel home.

The youngster was later heard to mutter, “northern cunts’ as he watched the news on TV and saw his counterparts in Yorkshire joyously sledging down steep hills in nearby streets and parks.


Local man pitches tent next to laptop in readiness for online January sales

Online bargain hunters pictured on The Southbank last night

A 40-year-old man from Vallance Road has pitched a tent alongside his laptop in a bid to be the first to grab a bargain at the January online sales.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer and father of 5, told us: “There’s no way I’m going to miss out on saving a few bob this year.

“As soon as the online sales start, I’m going to have my lid up and be logged on before all the bargains get snapped up.

“I’ve got my eye on a colour telly from Curry’s that’s being knocked down to 200 quid and I’m also hoping to pick up a set of saucepans that are going for half-price on Amazon.

“It’s not easy sleeping in a tent next to my lappy and I’ve had a bit of trouble from passing family members coming home from the pub.

“My missus threw a lit firework through the tent flap on Christmas Eve, and last night, a couple of the kids had a shit in a baking tray and tipped it over my head when I came out to do a bit of cooking on the camping stove”

This year, more and more people are sleeping next to their computers with emergency services issuing guidance on safety measures after a 23-year-old woman from Cripplegate died from exposure in her sleeping bag after camping alongside her iPhone for 6 nights hoping to snap up some cut-price tights in the Boxing Day sales on eBay.

Thunder Bastard Snow-Dusting of Death to Batter London


People living in London have been warned to stay indoors today and not to make non-essential journeys, as what weathermen are calling, a thunder bastard snow-dusting of death looks set to smash into the capital this afternoon.

BBC forecaster, Bill Giles, issued a stark warning last night: “Everybody should remain indoors during the thunder bastard.

“To venture outside in a severe dusting of this magnitude would mean certain death. No question”

Weathermen have also advised people living in the Scottish Highlands to change from wearing a vest to a short-sleeved t-shirt this weekend where the mercury is set to dip to minus 48 Celsius accompanied by unprecedented heavy snowfalls lasting 3 months and with daily hurricane-force winds in excess of 300mph.

Local woman forced to speak to fellow bus passengers after driver collapses at wheel


Security camera captures the scene moments after Mrs Dell spoke out of turn


A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman told The Whelk of her intense shame last night as she admitted interacting with total strangers on public transport.

Tracy Dell, a legal secretary from Vallance Road, told us: “I was on the number 24 bus from Victoria to Hampstead Heath, when, to my horror, I saw that the driver had collapsed at the wheel and that we were heading straight for a shop front in Charing Cross Road.

“I shiftily looked across at the people sitting opposite and tried to convey my concern by looking down at my shoes and then glancing up and making awkward eye contact, but to no avail.

“In the end, I felt I had no choice and just yelled out: “Everybody get down. The fucking driver’s keeled over”

“Fortunately, this seemed to do the trick and one or two people looked up from their phones and dived self-consciously to the floor just moments before we ploughed into the bookshop.

“There was a bit of an awkward silence at this point. Nobody seemed to know what to say. We just lay there, feeling horrendously exposed and tried desperately not to look at one another.

“Eventually, we all shuffled off the bus and began making our way in silence to the nearest bus stop.

“The worst part was the look of horror on those people’s faces as I spoke to them uninvited. Their shock and embarrassment will live with me to the grave.”

The bus driver was later taken to hospital where he was treated for minor injuries and mild post-traumatic stress caused by a passerby asking him if he was alright.

London’s Lost Tradesmen: The Ropefarters of Rotherhithe


In the early 1900s, all of Britain’s newly-manufactured nautical ropes were sent to Rotherhithe in south-east London, where highly skilled artisans would season the raw hemp by passing wind over the coiled ropes in specially designed sheds, or, Gruff Houses, as they were known.

Each Ropefarter would eat up to 12 tins of beans and 3lbs of Brussel sprouts before each 11-hour shift and would often expel up to 600 atmospheres of gas during that time. That’s enough to inflate an average hot air balloon 5-times.

The Ropefarters were eventually made redundant by the shipping companies when residents in neighbouring Bermondsey complained about the noise and smell after a number of young children and elderly people died from asphyxiation during a 24-hour shift on a blisteringly hot day in July 1903.

Source: The Ripsnorter and Botty Burp Guide 1907

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