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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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love

Local man excited that girlfriend wants a long hard chat

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A girl pictured in long hard chat mode

A 22-year-old Whitechapel man was last night eagerly awaiting the long hard chat that his girlfriend of two years had insisted they have earlier today.

Toby Dell, a market trader from Vallance Road, told us: “I can’t wait to find out what it is she wants to chat about.

“To be honest, we’ve not really been communicating like we used to ever since she found out I’d slept with her mum and younger sister.

“And then there were the sex line calls that I used her card to pay for, and the sexually transmitted disease misunderstanding.

“She’s obviously realised that she has been unreasonable and wants to apologise in person”

In other related news, a 20-year-old man who was caught wearing his girlfriend’s bra and knickers was found hanged at his home after she told him she wanted, ‘a serious discussion about where their relationship was going’

Local lovers call for beds to be installed in The Limehouse Link Tunnel

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A rumpy-pumpy-free section of The Limehouse Link pictured last night

Over a thousand young men and women from across East London have signed a petition calling for double beds to be installed at regular intervals along the one and a half mile length of The Limehouse Link Tunnel, which links the northern approach to Tower Bridge to London’s Docklands.

The youngsters feel that their desires have been sidelined and that the lack of lovemaking facilities in the tunnel contravenes their human rights.

The leader of the pressure group, ‘Tunnel of Love’, Toby Dell, 23, told us: “It’s an absolute disgrace that young people are expected to walk all that way in the darkness and with all those poisonous lorry fumes with nowhere to stop to have sex.

“I walked through with my girlfriend last week and she became so desperate after half an hour she had to masturbate to completion just before the turnoff for Tilbury Dock.

“Surely it’s not too much to ask for proper provisions to be made so that the young people of the East End have somewhere to indulge in a good scuttling on what is a pretty arduous and monotonous journey”

This move comes just a year after the London Borough of Tower Hamlets installed male prostitutes at 100-metre intervals along the length of the Rotherhithe Tunnel to cater for the district’s gay community.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

girls

Our sports correspondent thought that ‘Dick’ was a lazy abbreviation and that we should have gone with ‘Richard’. I don’t think he’s grasped this ‘humour’ concept quite as well as he should have in all honesty – Ed

Local man left emotionally crippled by partner’s throwaway remark

 

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Artist’s impression of how Mr Dell’s heart probably looks at the moment

 

A 30-year Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he is a broken man and that his spirit has been crushed following a casual jibe from his partner as they spoke on the phone last week.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “Everything was fine at first. We were chatting about mundane stuff, having a laugh and getting along really well.

“Then, everything turned sour after I inadvertently started to say something as she began speaking.

“I’d only said a few words when she muttered “For God’s sake let me finish” under her breath.

“I don’t think I was meant to hear it but I absolutely did. It was more like a snarl than a complaint. It was as if she’d summoned up every last ounce of bile and spat it into my face.

“After that, I was emotionally crippled and just withdrew into my shell. I’ve not left the house since and I’ve barely eaten or slept.

“I know I have to be more resilient and I will try to come through this but it won’t be easy and I’ll carry her cruel words to my grave.”

“We spoke to Mr Dell’s partner last night. Tracy, a 27-year-old beautician,, told us: “He’s such a prize twat. He needs to get a grip and grow a pair. He needs to stop talking over me too”

In a similar incident last Thursday, a 24-year-old landscape gardener from neighbouring Shoreditch, drowned after throwing himself from Southwark Bridge just hours after his girlfriend called him “an uncaring fucker” for appearing to nod off during a lengthy discussion she had instigated about the direction their relationship was heading in.

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