England football manager, Gareth Southgate, last night revealed that if his team appear to be under pressure at half-time during the forthcoming European Championships this summer, he will relieve any individual players that he believes have become affected by the tension by masturbating them to completion in the changing room toilets.
Speaking to the BBC’s Gary Linekar, Southgate said: “If one or two of the lads are looking a bit tight and are not playing with their usual freedom due to the importance of the occasion, I’ll be taking them into one of the changing room traps to give them a hand shandy.
“Hopefully, after blowing their cocoa, they will be able to perform with more freedom during the second half.
“It’s an old trick I learned from my former England boss, Bobby Robson, who would often take a few of the newer lads into the stalls at half-time where he would give them a vigorous pedal and crank to relieve the tension and get them playing without fear in the second half.
“He even gave me one off the wrist in the centre circle before the dramatic penalty shoot-out against the Germans in Euro ’96 because I was looking a bit nervy.
“He was a very canny operator and had the foresight to have a copy of Playboy in his kit bag which he made me look at while he gave me a rattling good Jodrell.
“He held his big coat with the fur collar in front of me so that nobody in the crowd could see and to ensure that I didn’t splash any of the other lads with spadge. It still didn’t stop me from blazing my kick over the bar mind”
A spokesman for the English Football Association said last night: “I’ve heard of managers pulling players off when they’ve not been performing on the pitch, but this is a new one on me”