The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



I’ll masturbate players at half-time to ease tension, says England boss Southgate

Cum on England. Southgate engages in foreplay with the England keeper before giving him hand relief in the dressing room during a tense World Cup qualifier

England football manager, Gareth Southgate, last night revealed that if his team appear to be under pressure at half-time during the forthcoming European Championships this summer, he will relieve any individual players that he believes have become affected by the tension by masturbating them to completion in the changing room toilets.

Speaking to the BBC’s Gary Linekar, Southgate said: “If one or two of the lads are looking a bit tight and are not playing with their usual freedom due to the importance of the occasion, I’ll be taking them into one of the changing room traps to give them a hand shandy.

“Hopefully, after blowing their cocoa, they will be able to perform with more freedom during the second half.

“It’s an old trick I learned from my former England boss, Bobby Robson, who would often take a few of the newer lads into the stalls at half-time where he would give them a vigorous pedal and crank to relieve the tension and get them playing without fear in the second half.

“He even gave me one off the wrist in the centre circle before the dramatic penalty shoot-out against the Germans in Euro ’96 because I was looking a bit nervy.

“He was a very canny operator and had the foresight to have a copy of Playboy in his kit bag which he made me look at while he gave me a rattling good Jodrell.

“He held his big coat with the fur collar in front of me so that nobody in the crowd could see and to ensure that I didn’t splash any of the other lads with spadge. It still didn’t stop me from blazing my kick over the bar mind”

A spokesman for the English Football Association said last night: “I’ve heard of managers pulling players off when they’ve not been performing on the pitch, but this is a new one on me”

Ladies. Put a stop to your husband’s constant self-abuse with the Mastur-Mate from the Whitechapel Bellend Foundry

Ladies. Are you sick of going without your womanly rights because your husband would rather sneak off to the bathroom to feed the ducks with a racy bongo mag tucked down the back of his trousers?

Then this ingenious little device is perfect for you.

One sharp rap across his lid while he’s wringing the bells will dampen his onanism almost immediately thereby increasing your chances of getting a half-decent scuttling at bedtime

Send just £3874.00 to The Whitechapel Bellend Foundry and we’ll despatch your Mastur-Mate at some vague point in the future


mastur-mate housewife

Covid-19 girl catches entire family masturbating


An 18-year-old girl from Whitechapel in East London who has been bedbound with coronavirus has told us that she came downstairs for the first time in 9-days and found her entire quarantined family, including her parents and grandparents, masturbating in front of the television as they watched a saucy movie.

Tracy Dell from Leman Street told The Whelk: “I’ll never forget it as long as I live

“I finally felt strong enough to get out of bed after 9-days with really bad covid, so I thought I’d come down and surprise everyone.

“I opened the lounge door and noticed that all the curtains were drawn and that the television was showing a hardcore sex scene involving at least five people.

“I then noticed that my entire family were semi-naked and were pleasuring themselves noisily as they watched the action.

“I was so shocked I let out a scream and they all started fumbling with their clothing.

“My mum jumped up really quickly, dragging her knickers up and smoothing down her dress.

“She tried to pretend nothing was wrong and came over to give me a hug, but I pulled away in disgust

“The only person in the room who didn’t react to me coming in was my grandad who’s deaf. He just carried on until he eventually blew his custard”

It is estimated that since lockdown began, over 20,000 litres of scalding spadge and fanny batter have been emitted from British self-isolators and elderly people practising shielding.

Local mum forced to abort car journey after teen son leaves home without masturbating

An antique car on Greenway Terrace for the filming of HBO's "Mildred Pierce".

A 39-year-old Whitechapel mother of two was forced to turn back ten minutes into a car journey after her 16-year-old son complained that he hadn’t masturbated before leaving home.

Tracy Dell from Vallance Road, told us: “We were on a trip to visit my mum in Pimlico when my eldest, Toby, told me that he hadn’t masturbated that morning and didn’t think he could hold it until we got to his grandmother’s place.

“I had to turn back and then wait outside for a few minutes until he’d finished.

“I wouldn’t mind but I asked him if he needed to clear his tubes before we left but he said he was ok and that if he did need to ejaculate on the way he could do it in some bushes at the side of the road.

“My 16-year-old daughter was also in the car but she said she could wait until we got to my mum’s house”

In a similar incident two weeks ago, a mother from neighbouring Stepney told us that her 15-year-old son had embarrassed her by climaxing noisily into an ice cream carton during a performance of La Boheme at The Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.



The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

Local Teen begins Xmas Day masturbation plans


Image result for xmas house
A house at Xmas, inside which, a teen may, or may not, be masturbating

A 16-year-old Whitechapel boy has begun making plans to masturbate successfully on Christmas Day in a clandestine manner that won’t carry the risk of being disturbed or discovered by relatives.

Toby Dell, an engineering student from Commercial Street, is hoping to get at least 3 sessions in on the big day, starting with an early morning Xmas Day ‘tube clearance’ in the bathroom while everyone’s still asleep.

Dell then plans to squeeze in a pre-lunch session in the downstairs toilet while the family are enjoying a few drinks, or are helping with the preparation of Christmas lunch.

The youngster, who last Christmas, successfully masturbated through his pocket at an evening carol service at Christ Church in Spitalfields, then hopes to pleasure himself to completion in the shed while everyone’s having a post-lunch afternoon nap.

Dell realises that, above all, he has to avoid the complete disaster that took place on Boxing Day in 2016, when he sneaked off to the bathroom for hand relief only for his grandmother to spot the dried ejaculate on his carpet slippers before drawing it to the attention of the entire family including his new girlfriend


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More barrel-scraping, wholly inappropriate and crass, smutty innuendo as we get it


Halloumi shortage sparks masturbation frenzy in Whitechapel

Grilled halloumi trying to look all innocent

People living in the East London borough of Whitechapel have taken to the streets in large numbers where they have been masturbating furiously in protest at the recent shortage of halloumi cheese.

Since the Cypriot producers of the delicious ewe’s cheese announced that they are unable to meet the demand for the product across London, many locals have taken to pleasuring themselves in public to express their disquiet at the shortage of their culinary favourite.

We spoke to one resident, Toby Dell, 35, who we spotted masturbating in a shop doorway: “This halloumi shortage has hit people in this area very hard.

“In my view, masturbating in public seems like a damn good way to draw people’s attention to the problem, particularly if they get bits of spadge on their shoes as a result.”

This latest protest comes almost a year to the day after government curbs on the import of hummus from Lebanon caused an outbreak of extreme bondage in neighbouring Spitalfields.

Local woman sick to the back teeth of husband chatting during foreplay


A 28-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that her husband’s constant flow of idle chit-chat during heavy petting prior to sex is infuriating beyond belief and shows “a lack of respect”

Speaking to us from her home in Leman Street, Tracy Dell, a dental nurse, said: “He’s been doing this ever since we first met. In my opinion, it shows a complete and utter lack of respect.

“I should have seen the writing on the wall on our third date when he started going on about the retail price index during a mutual masturbation session just before we slept together for the first time.

“Once he gets down to the actual scuttling he’s absolutely fine and is a good as the next man. It’s the idle chit-chat beforehand that gets me down.

“Just to be adventurous, I once started pleasuring him under the table in a restaurant with my foot, but instead of groaning in ecstasy, he started asking me if I fancied a biking holiday in The Cotswolds later in the year”

Mr Dell wasn’t home when we called to interview him, but we did hear a man in the house next door asking the attractive 30-year-old divorcee that lives there who she’s going to vote for in the forthcoming local elections.

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