Amazon fury over timed masturbation breaks for staff


The shape of things to come? An Amazon worker pictured getting the job done at her work station yesterday


Workers employed by online retail giants, Amazon, have reacted furiously to the company’s latest directive which stipulates that every employee has to adhere to a strict 2-minute limit when masturbating in the workplace, whether it be in the toilets or a dimly lit area of the warehouse.

One man we spoke to, Toby Dell, 32, who has worked at the Whitechapel depot for the past 6 months, told us: “It’s absolutely outrageous. Who could possibly masturbate to completion in 2 minutes?

“I sometimes manage longer than that with my girlfriend, for God’s sake”

Dell’s female co-worker, Tracy Carter, 19, was also incensed by the new measure: “Two minutes? I’d barely have time to pull my knickers down and get my Tom Hardy pics out.

“When I was working in Boots in Oxford Street, our supervisor used to give us 5 minutes to clear our tubes, although she did bang on the toilet door if we went over our time”

A spokesperson for Amazon said last night: “We believe that 2 minutes is more than generous and the company has no plans at present to amend this directive.

“If people don’t like it they will have to blow their custard before they leave for work in the morning, or rub themselves against the conveyor belt until they shoot their bolts”

This latest controversial, time-saving move comes just 6 weeks after the company stopped people from having time-consuming bowel movements at work by pushing rubber bungs up their bottoms before each shift.

I miss being masturbated by Mary Berry says Bake Off’s Paul Hollywood

great british wank off

Great British Bake Off presenter, Paul Hollywood, has admitted that the one thing he misses most about ditching the BBC and moving to Channel 4 is being masturbated under the table by co-presenter, Mary Berry.

Hollywood, 47, told The Whelk: “While I’m enjoying making the programme as much as ever, it’s not the same without having Mary masturbate me to completion during the off-camera moments when Mel and Sue are walking around the tent chatting to contestants.

“She was a skilful and considerate masturbator, and would often add to my enjoyment by rubbing melted butter or a little cooking oil on my penis before pleasuring me under the table.

“There was only one hairy moment when the camera panned back to where we were sitting during a Mel and Sue walkabout just as I was about to blow my custard.

“Fortunately, Mary had the foresight to put her thumb over the end before I shot my cocoa all over the table.

“I’ve asked my new co-presenter, Pru Leith, if she’ll take the job on, so to speak, but she refused outright. She wouldn’t even give me a flash of her tits in the makeup room, the frigid bitch”

Mary Berry gave a short statement to newsmen at her Surrey home last night: “My mother always taught me that when they want it you have to give it to them, my dears”

The BBC denied that there was any wrongdoing yesterday: “As far as we’re concerned, Mary never once wanked Paul Hollywood off under the table. The cleaners never found any dried spadge on the floor for one thing”

Ask Spunky Woods: The Masturbation Guru to The Stars


Dear Spunky

On a recent flight to China to visit my girlfriend, who I hadn’t seen in 4 months, I masturbated to completion in the toilet a couple of hours before landing.

The thinking behind it, was, that if I cleared the tubes before meeting up with her again, I would be able to last longer when we were in bed together later that day.

My worry now is that there were security cameras hidden in the toilet and that footage now exists of me pleasuring myself.

I did notice that a couple of the stewardesses were looking at me a bit oddly and were giggling together when I came out.

Please help if you can Spunky as I’ve been so worried I’ve barely had a wink of sleep since the incident took place.


Joel Clunge-Disorder
Watford Junction


Dear Joel

As a masturbation guru and self-abuse counsellor for more years than I care to remember, this is a problem I have encountered many times and my answer is always the same on this one.

Many airlines do have spy cameras in the toilets so that they can take footage of people straining out a particularly tricky shit or of couples shagging in the bog. They then play the clips back at the airline’s Christmas party for laughs.

The cabin crew undoubtedly knew you’d been having a hand shandy – so unless you’re prepared to come clean and ask them to hand over the evidence – footage of you blowing your custard will be seen by hundreds of airline staff during the run-up to Christmas later this year.

I hope this sets your mind at rest, Joel. If you have any further concerns of a jizz-related nature, I’ll be glad to help any way I can.

Kind Regards

Spunky Woods is features editor of The Scalding Spadge Gazette

Britain goes entire day without masturbating claims report.


john bull
No spadge please, we’re British!


According to a Home Office report, Saturday the 23rd of April was the first day that the entire population of Great Britain had spent without a single case of masturbation being recorded.

The closest the nation ever came to achieving the feat was in 1962 during The Cuban Missile Crisis when people were too worried about the possible outbreak of a third world war to pleasure themselves.

A Home Office spokesman told reporters at a press briefing last night. “We can quite categorically state that according to a government survey conducted during the 24 hour period from midnight on the 23rd until 00.01 on the 24th there was not one single case of masturbation recorded. Not even amongst teenage boys and UKIP supporters.

“At present, we are unsure as to why this was the case, but we are looking into the possibility that repeated television appearances by Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott following the general election announcement may have dampened people’s sexual desire and consequently nullified their need to masturbate to completion”

Last night, Corbyn hit back at the claims in a strongly worded statement: “I emphatically deny that either myself or my female comrade were in any way to blame for the masturbation drought on Saturday.

“In my view, it’s far more likely to have been the result of Theresa May’s televised visit to a factory earlier in the day.

“I mean to say, just look at the state of her. I wouldn’t even touch her with Iain Duncan Smith’s, to be honest with you”

Corbyn then went on to outline plans to introduce 4 extra public holidays, devoted to self-abuse if Labour wins the election on June 8th.

“They will be known as Wank Holidays and will be a celebration of this great nation’s favourite pastime,” he said. “What’s more, free tissues and discounted grumble mags will be available to any families earning less than the national average and also to people on benefits.”

It is anticipated that there will be a further dip in onanism throughout the country today when Michael Gove goes on a televised visit to Reading.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Stars Whose Names Are Almost Synonymous With Pieces of Fruit

THIS WEEK: Eric Bana

Almost fruity. Bana posing for The Whelk at our offices last night.

NEXT WEEK: Stars whose names very nearly suggest that they are serial masturbators, featuring Tom Hanks.

The Whelk’s TV Choice


Film 4: 21.00 – Fast and Furious 6

Documentary providing a fascinating peek behind the scenes in the build up to the 6th World Mixed Speed Masturbation Championship in Oslo

WARNING: Contains mucky books along with traces of scalding spadge and flying fanny batter


Spunky Woods: Whitechapel’s Masturbation Guru to the Stars

Basic CMYK

Dear Spunky

I’m an extremely famous Hollywood movie star who has recently been through a very public split with my wife, who is also a movie icon as well as a committed civil rights campaigner.

The thing is, since our break up I’ve been feeling pretty frustrated sexually, as my wife – although a total pain in the ass in many ways – is an extremely attractive woman and our sex life was varied, exciting, and fulfilling.

My problem is, every time I try to pleasure myself, I spot one of the paparazzi hiding in some bushes or in a parked car opposite. They even send drones over my property so I can’t even have a hand shandy in my shed like other dudes.

Please help me if you can Spunky as I’m getting pretty tense and my plums have swollen up like soccer balls

Kind Regards

Sumptuous Spread
Beverly Hills


Dear Brad

As a masturbation guru of over 25-years standing I am presented with problems such as yours on an almost daily basis, and my answer is always the same on this one.

The next time you need to clear the tubes, shove a piece of raw liver between the fins of one of your radiators – preferably one beneath a window – then, simply whip out the old chap and hump this ‘faux fanny’ until the job’s nicely squared away. The paparazzi will spot you at the window and think you’re just checking out the weather and have no inkling that you’re actually blowing your cocoa.

Failing that, just find an old spunker who will be prepared to let you have a go on her for a few quid. Doesn’t that Mrs Trump live in your neighbourhood?

All the very best Brad and here’s hoping you get to the laughing stroke sooner rather than later my friend

Fond Regards
Spunky Woods
22 Spadge Street
London E1

Spunky Woods is vice-chairman of The Five Knuckle Shuffle Advisory Council

Whitechapel Teen Catches Entire Family Masturbating



“Hell’s Bells!”


A 17-year-old girl from Whitechapel has revealed that she walked into the lounge at her home on June 2nd of this year and found her  entire family, including her elderly grandparents, pleasuring themselves in front of the television.

Mary Dell from Silvertown Road, told reporters: “It was around 7.00pm  and I’d been out to visit my best friend at her place a few doors away. I let myself in and went into the living room. I noticed straight away that the lights had been turned down quite low and that the room was very hot. I turned the lighting up and immediately spotted my dad hurriedly pulling his trousers up. He looked flustered and red in the face. To my horror, I saw that my entire family were in various states of undress and were quite clearly masturbating.

“They started jumping up and adjusting their clothing, apart from my grandmother who hadn’t heard me come in and who continued to pleasure herself vigorously. My mother tried to act normally and asked me if I’d had a nice evening, but I could tell she was really embarrassed.

“I then made an excuse and went up to my room but I could hear them all whispering to each other as I went up the stairs. About an hour later my mother called me down for tea. The atmosphere was pretty strained I have to say. Everybody was very subdued and looked flustered, except my grandmother who appeared quite relaxed and happy”

SOURCE: The Popshot & Spadge Tribune

Ask Spunky Woods: Whitechapel Ladyboy and Masturbation Guru to the Stars

Basic CMYK


Dear Spunky

My problem is a rather unusual, and some might even say, perverse one, so I’m asking you, as a respected masturbation guru,  to help me through what has become a very difficult phase in my life.

The thing is Spunky, I have become besotted with the astronaut, John Tracy out of Thunderbirds and find myself constantly fantasising about being stranded up in space with him so that I can kiss his sweet lips and make him mine.

Just the thought of helping him beam distress calls back to Tracy Island results in my becoming fully tumescent and often leads to self-abuse followed by bitter self-recrimination.

Things became particularly stressful a few years back when Thunderbirds enjoyed a resurgence in popularity;  with models becoming extremely sought after by kids at Christmas time. I would find myself constantly sneaking into toy shops where I would pleasure myself and blow scalding wads of spadge over the display counter if a model of John or his spacecraft, Thunderbird 5, was among the items inside.

My marriage too has suffered, with my wife constantly complaining when I ask her to dress up as John and to move around the bedroom in a jerky manner, talking urgently into a headset about a stricken airliner that’s trying to land with a faulty undercarriage, or things of that nature

Please help me Spunky. I’m at my wits end and just don’t know where to turn.

Yours faithfully

Toby Dell



Dear Toby

As a Thai ladyboy and masturbation counsellor to the stars of over 25 years standing, I have dealt with countless problems identical to your own and my answer is always the same on this one my friend.

Firstly, you have to understand that John out of Thunderbird 5 is a very attractive man, which is partly why his dad, Mr Tracy, sent him to live in space. His logic being, that if he were to remain on earth, piloting one of the other Thunderbirds, his brothers wouldn’t be able to concentrate on their missions due to his allure, and would be constantly spying on him in the shower or masturbating furiously while watching him getting undressed through his bedroom keyhole.

So with that in mind, there is only one course open to you I’m afraid Toby. You have to gradually wean yourself away from Thunderbirds altogether. Try watching Space Patrol which was very popular in the 60s. All the puppets are extremely unattractive, particularly Captain Dart with his unkempt beard and awkward rolling gait.

Failing that, give Stingray a try. It’s got that Troy Tempest in it and he’s absolutely minging. Unlike Marina, that mermaid puppet who’s an absolute peach and well worth a cheeky hand shandy when the wife’s gone to visit her mother on a Saturday afternoon. It’s not quite so gay either.

I hope this is helpful to you Toby, and if you have any more problems of a semen-related nature, don’t hesitate to drop me a line.

Fond Regards

Spunky x

Spunky Woods appears courtesy of: The East London Cumblast Bugle incorporating Popular Caravanning

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