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Dear Spunky

I wonder if you could help me with a rather singular problem that’s been playing on my mind a fair bit lately.

I’m the owner a small children’s zoo in a built up area of London where the local youngsters can come to observe small animals in a fairly natural environment. We have rabbits, guinea pigs, voles, ducks, geese and various other water fowl for the children to enjoy.

The only thing that concerns me is the lack of sexual activity available to the creatures themselves. Some of the males have paired off with females for sure, but that still leaves quite a large number of young males with no romantic attachment whatsoever.

So basically, I was wondering if there was some way I could help these “singletons” to enjoy a semblance of sexual pleasure and subsequent release in the absence of a partner.

Your help would be most welcome on this one Spunky as it’s been a real worry to me just lately.

Yours Faithfully

Bob Carter

London E2


Dear Bob

As a Whitechapel ladyboy and masturbation guru of over 25 years standing, yours is a problem I’ve encountered on countless occasions and my answer is always the same on this one.

Firstly, you need to buy a copy of The Observer’s Book Of British Wildlife from any good bookstore. Following this, simply snip out the small, thumbnail pictures of the females of each individual species.

For instance, if you were catering for a hedgehog, cut out as many photos of females as you can and bind them together with a small length of twine to make a rudimentary magazine. Then, simply leave this ad hoc, softcore bongo mag in the creature’s nest or burrow before it retires for the night.

I guarantee, that before you can say “hairy palms”, the little chap will be happily blasting gallons of hot spadge all over the show on a nightly basis, or, in the case of nocturnal animals, during the daylight hours.

I hope this sets your mind at ease Bob and that your zoo will be a much happier and sexually-fulfilled place for all its unattached inmates.

Kind Regards

Spunky Woods

22 Rub ‘N’ Tug Avenue

Whitechapel E1