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ASK BBC TEST CARD GIRL: THE COMPLETELY INERT AGONY AUNT WITH A HEART

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I’m here to help *crackle, whirrr…pop!*

Dear BBC Test Card Girl.

I’m a 22-year-old woman who recently married the man of my dreams – or so I thought. The problem is; he keeps making excuses whenever I ask him to make love to me. He claims to be too tired after work during weekdays, and then at weekends, he feigns illness or makes out he’s hurt his back doing the gardening. He tells me constantly that he loves me and finds me attractive, so why won’t he give me the physical love I crave? I’d like to start a family at some point, but if his constant excuses at bedtime continue, I can’t ever see myself getting pregnant. On top of this, last week I found pictures of a naked man on his phone along with a series of explicit text messages sent by my husband to this person, describing in graphic detail what he’s going to do to him when they next meet. Do you think he could be gay? Please help me if you can, BBC Test Card Girl, as I’m at my wit’s end with worry and you’re my last hope.

Yours faithfully

Tracy Dell

London E2

**********************

Hiss…crackle…whistle…phutt…pop!

We apologise for this break in our transmission, our engineers are working on the problem. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. In the meantime, here’s some music…

Some minutes later…

We are happy to announce that normal service can now be restored. We apologise for the fault and hope that your enjoyment has not been spoiled. And now…back to The Antiques Roadshow.

Yours Faithfully

BBC Test Card Girl

Television Centre

Shepherd’s Bush

London

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Every person in random commuter pic a wanted killer say Met Police

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Commuters, but how many are killers? Our money’s on the woman on the left in glasses.

The Metropolitan Police have revealed, that in an astonishing coincidence, every person captured in a recent newspaper picture of a small handful of commuters is a cold-blooded killer of some description.

The pic, used by The East London Gazette to accompany a story on train cancellations, has now been seized by the police who are in the process of rounding up all those featured in the photograph and sending them to jail.

A police spokesman told newsmen last night: “To have snapped so many killers all in one place like this was an incredible coincidence and a real lucky break.

“There’s a bloke right at the back who’s killed 5 people including his grandad, so it’s great that he’ll be facing the full force of British justice. In fact, they all will.”

The last time anything of this nature occurred was in 2016, when everybody snapped in a New York Times picture taken at a Donald Trump rally was subsequently found to be a mentally sub-normal racist.

JUST IN

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DISCLAIMER: No chlorine-washed chicken or hominy grits flooded the Brit food market during the publishing of this front page, hopefully.

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

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Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

BREAKING

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In other related news, the President has called for a meeting with Bob Airplane-Boeing to discuss the recent catastrophic systems failures on the new 737 airliner.

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