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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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medical

Local woman completely unaware she has given wood pigeon deep-vein thrombosis

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Endangered: Mrs Dell’s pigeon, ‘Elephant Jim’ pictured on its way out yesterday

A 72-year-old Whitechapel woman who has been feeding a wood pigeon with bacon scraps and fat, trimmed from meat joints for years is blissfully unaware that she is responsible for the creature’s chronic deep vein thrombosis or that she has increased its risk of having a heart attack or stroke by at least 400%.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a retired shop assistant, told The Whelk: “He loves his bacon does that bird and he visits my garden special to get it.

“He loves a bit of fat from the Sunday joint too. Lamb’s his favourite. It greases his lungs and keeps him regular”.

When we pointed out that the bird had already lost a leg due to a thrombosis-based issue that she was the root cause of, and that the high-fat diet she was exposing it to would increase its risk of a coronary episode a hundredfold, Mrs Dell became defensive and pooh-poohed the idea

“I used to give my husband Toby a very high-fat diet and he lived until he was almost 39” she explained.

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Sex robot gives birth to baby hoover

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Sucking babe: The infant hoover having its first tentative clean-up around a hospital staff member’s desk last night

Doctors at The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel have announced that a robot designed for sexual purposes has given birth to a baby Henry The Hoover.

A spokesperson for the maternity unit told newsmen that the replica female robot was admitted yesterday morning suffering from an issue with the circuitry around the abdominal area and gave birth to the 2lb 7oz hoover just an hour later.

Robot and small cleaning device are said to be doing well and will be returning home tomorrow following wiring checks and a routine service.

The robot’s owner, James Dyson, owner of the successful, Dyson hoover manufacturing company, was said to be ‘taken aback’ by the news.

“You f*****g what?” he exclaimed to reporters from his home in Singapore.

It is believed that the pregnancy may have come about after Dyson lent the robot to his friend, and fellow Brexiteer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, who owns a Henry and may have left the two alone in the cupboard under the stairs.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of 2 living on benefits in Stepney.
Last week, I ordered one of those battery-powered strip lights to use in the kitchen so that I could save on the electric bill.
However, it uses up the batteries so fast that it’s even more expensive than an electric one.
I took it back to the shop but the man I bought it from wouldn’t give me a refund. He just said I should have realised that the batteries would run out quick and that it was tough shit
Please help if you can Danny as it’s such a struggle to get by with two little ones and I just can’t afford to throw money away like this. xxx

Tracy Dell
22 Lee Street
Stepney E2

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and knocked the geezer spark out with a blinding shot to the chin.
I then went in with the boot, rupturing his spleen and breaking a few ribs while I was about it
The mug then tries to get up off the deck, so I waited until he got up on one knee before pulling my razor and giving him a striping across his boat race.
He went down again due to blood loss so I stamped on his nut, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
At this point, his bird came steaming out from the back of the shop, crying and begging me to leave it out.
I felt sorry for the kid so I robbed the till and left.
I’m sending you 500 sovs of the takings to treat yourself and the saucepan lids to a day out in Southend. The sea air and some currant bun will set you up a treat, my lovely.
All the very best, princess
Your Pal
Danny

Danny Sparko is Acting Chairperson of The Fractured Eye Socket & Permanent Kidney Damage Association

BREAKING

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UPDATE: The President has now been discharged from hospital following treatment for abrasions and exhaustion. A hospital spokesperson said last night: “What a weapons-grade throbber. Can you believe we elected this bozo because I sure as hell can’t” – Associated Press

BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

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Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.

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HEALTH SERVICE WOULD BE CRIPPLED BY HARD BREXIT SAYS HEALTH SERVICE

jacob sovereignty rub

Ah yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

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A clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

LATEST

royals

The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

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