The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Public should alternate face mask-wearing at five-minute intervals says Health Minister

man in black suit jacket and woman in white dress

In a bid to end the widespread confusion over the efficacy of wearing face masks to alleviate the spread of covid-19, the Secretary of State for Health, Matt Hancock, has suggested that they are worn and then removed by the public at five-minute intervals.

Speaking at yesterday’s media briefing, Hancock said: “The wisdom, or lack thereof, of wearing face masks in the current emergency appears to be a bit of a grey area among the experts, with some for and some against the concept.

“This government have therefore decided that it would probably be in the best interests of the general public if masks were worn for five-minutes and then removed for a further five and so on.

“The only people who would be obliged to wear masks for long periods are NHS staff while on duty and Ann Widdecombe whenever she’s out in public”

Hancock then went on to say that surgical scrubs, protective visors, and other items of protective equipment, were being rushed out to hospitals and care homes as fast as is humanly possible, but in the meantime clinicians and nursing staff would have to make do with wearing their dressing gowns, pants, and shower caps while dealing with confirmed covid patients.

“They can always give their hands a bit of a wash afterwards”, he told newsmen.



GOVERNMENT ADVISORY NOTICE: If you have any of the classic symptoms of covid-19, do not visit your doctor’s surgery or hospital emergency room. Dial 111 and a member of our specialist team of clinicians will visit you to assess whether you have the virus or are merely swinging the lead to get two weeks off work on full sick pay. Please be aware that hospital trolleys in draughty corridors are in pretty short supply at the moment so we will be taking a very dim view of anybody that we believe to be taking the piss – Matt Hancock, Secretary of State for Health


Local man who angrily tugged dressing gown cord from boxers hospitalised

Hospital in 1914.
Mr Dell pictured behind a screen to muffle his sobs in the Royal London Hospital last night

A 45-year-old man who furiously yanked on his dressing gown cord after it became trapped in his boxer shorts has been admitted to hospital with severe injuries, including a torn scrotal sac and testicular trauma.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street, told us: “I was wearing just my dressing gown and boxers when the cord got trapped inside my boxers after I’d been to the toilet and had hurriedly pulled them up.

“After fumbling around for a bit, trying to find the other end of the cord I realised the problem and yanked angrily on the trapped section to free it.

“The pain I felt at that point was off the scale and worse than anything I had ever experienced before.

“It felt like somebody was slicing into my nadgers with white-hot cheese wire.

“I sank to my knees and curled up in the foetal position. I don’t mind admitting, I was crying at this point.

“I somehow managed to call the ambulance boys but it wasn’t easy with all those tears in my eyes”

Mr Dell then confided that he had injured his genitalia before in 1982 when he trapped his foreskin in his trouser zip after being disturbed in his girlfriend’s bedroom by her mother carrying mugs of tea and a plate of biscuits.

Local woman completely unaware she has given wood pigeon deep-vein thrombosis

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Endangered: Mrs Dell’s pigeon, ‘Elephant Jim’ pictured on its way out yesterday

A 72-year-old Whitechapel woman who has been feeding a wood pigeon with bacon scraps and fat, trimmed from meat joints for years is blissfully unaware that she is responsible for the creature’s chronic deep vein thrombosis or that she has increased its risk of having a heart attack or stroke by at least 400%.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a retired shop assistant, told The Whelk: “He loves his bacon does that bird and he visits my garden special to get it.

“He loves a bit of fat from the Sunday joint too. Lamb’s his favourite. It greases his lungs and keeps him regular”.

When we pointed out that the bird had already lost a leg due to a thrombosis-based issue that she was the root cause of, and that the high-fat diet she was exposing it to would increase its risk of a coronary episode a hundredfold, Mrs Dell became defensive and pooh-poohed the idea

“I used to give my husband Toby a very high-fat diet and he lived until he was almost 39” she explained.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of 2 living on benefits in Stepney.
Last week, I ordered one of those battery-powered strip lights to use in the kitchen so that I could save on the electric bill.
However, it uses up the batteries so fast that it’s even more expensive than an electric one.
I took it back to the shop but the man I bought it from wouldn’t give me a refund. He just said I should have realised that the batteries would run out quick and that it was tough shit
Please help if you can Danny as it’s such a struggle to get by with two little ones and I just can’t afford to throw money away like this. xxx

Tracy Dell
22 Lee Street
Stepney E2

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and knocked the geezer spark out with a blinding shot to the chin.
I then went in with the boot, rupturing his spleen and breaking a few ribs while I was about it
The mug then tries to get up off the deck, so I waited until he got up on one knee before pulling my razor and giving him a striping across his boat race.
He went down again due to blood loss so I stamped on his nut, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
At this point, his bird came steaming out from the back of the shop, crying and begging me to leave it out.
I felt sorry for the kid so I robbed the till and left.
I’m sending you 500 sovs of the takings to treat yourself and the saucepan lids to a day out in Southend. The sea air and some currant bun will set you up a treat, my lovely.
All the very best, princess
Your Pal

Danny Sparko is Acting Chairperson of The Fractured Eye Socket & Permanent Kidney Damage Association



UPDATE: The President has now been discharged from hospital following treatment for abrasions and exhaustion. A hospital spokesperson said last night: “What a weapons-grade throbber. Can you believe we elected this bozo because I sure as hell can’t” – Associated Press

BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

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Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.


baby crusher

For your baby-crusher, send $75,678.89 to:

The Danny Soz Home For Stolen Babies

234 Shit Street

Whitechapel E1

Take advantage of our once-in-a-lifetime offer and order 3 baby-crushers for just triple the price!


jacob sovereignty rub

Ah yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

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