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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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meghan markle

Meghan’s Reckless Toilet Visit Could Have Destroyed Palace, Says Daily Mail

The Daily Mail newspaper has claimed that if Meghan Markle had chosen to use the lavatory at Buckingham Palace during a prolonged period of heavy rain, the old Victorian sewer that runs beneath the Palace could have become backed up, causing a catastrophic failure of the crumbling system of main chambers and side channels.

This in turn would have led to the whole building collapsing, possibly killing The Queen and any other royal personage present at the time.

In a sensational revelation, the Mail claimed: ‘If she had used the toilet during a period of heavy rain or a Thames flood tide, the old Bazelgette sewer would almost certainly have collapsed, killing The Queen.

‘It’s all well and good introducing some mixed-race diversity into the royal family but not when it puts lives at risk.

‘ Imagine if Kate and the children had been swept away and drowned in a tide of shit and piss. How would that have made her feel?

‘Happy probably’

A year ago, the same newspaper claimed that Meghan once slipped American black people’s opium into Prince William’s tea so that she could have sex with him while he was in drug-induced torpor, making her pregnant and thus enabling her to pollute the royal bloodline by giving birth to the first non-white King or Queen of England.

Meghan Beat Kate Up In The Buckingham Palace Toilets, Says Daily Mail

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The Duchess pictured trying to look all innocent after beating seven shades of shite out of Kate last week

The Daily Mail newspaper is reporting that following an altercation at Buckingham Palace shortly before The Queen’s final departure from the palace on Wednesday, Meghan Markle, The Duchess of Sussex, launched a two-fisted attack on her sister-in-law, The Duchess of Cambridge in one of the palace toilets.

The Mail claims: ‘According to one of our palace insiders, Meghan gave Kate a terrible kicking.

‘Our source thinks it was because Meghan accused Kate of giving Harry the eye at breakfast that morning and leaning forward over the platter of kedgeree, giving him a flash of her tits’

The Mail claims that Kate was left with a broken cheekbone, two black eyes and a ruptured spleen, which resulted from Meghan ‘going in with the boot’ as Kate lay unconscious on the carpet.

Critics have poured scorn on the article, however, claiming that Kate showed no signs of bruising during the procession that followed the alleged incident.

There have also been claims that The Mail has constantly harangued and persecuted Meghan due to her nationality and, above all, her mixed-race heritage.

The newspaper responded furiously and strongly refuted the allegations last night: ‘The fact that Meghan is an American is neither here nor there as far as we are concerned, nor is the fact that she’s a sooty, colonial bitch with no right to be within a country mile of our royals’

We should like to point out that this is not an attack on the skewed, right-wing stance adopted by the Daily Mail and certainly not a condemnation of the gormless, elderly fuckwits and chinless, racist thundercunts who read it – Ed

Meghan may have been military advisor to Serb monster, Mladic, says Daily Mail

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In an exclusive piece in today’s Daily Mail, the newspaper makes the shocking claim that the Duchess of Sussex may have been a military advisor to convicted Serbian war criminal, Ratko Mladic, dubbed, The Butcher Of Bosnia, who oversaw atrocities inflicted on the Bosnian Muslims, Croats, and other non-Serbs in the early 90s.

The Mail makes the damning accusation, citing the fact that little was known of Meghan Markle – as she was known back when Mladic was committing war crimes.

“It’s highly probable that Markle was behind many of these attrocitities,” says the newspaper.

“Mladic could never have engineered the killings of civilians in Sarajevo and places like that without help, and attention-seeking Markle has to be high on the list of probable accomplices.

“She may have thought that she could get a book deal out of it at some point, or even a TV exclusive with Oprah Winfrey on prime time television.”

Mladic, currently serving a life sentence for genocide in The Hague, allegedly refused to deny the allegation when questioned by a Mail reporter last Tuesday.

The shock claim comes almost 27 years after The Daily Express newspaper’s 1996 claim that Princess Diana was a close associate of brutal Ugandan despot, Idi Amin, during his murderous reign of terror in the 1970s.

However, the newspaper retracted the claim a year later when the princess was killed in a car crash and the news media had to like her again.

I’ll sacrifice a Sumatran gibbon to honour the life of Prince Philip. vows Meghan

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Prince Philip and Meghan pictured in happier times before he checked out

Meghan Markle last night told reporters that she intends to sacrifice a live Sumatran gibbon on an alter in her back garden to commemorate the life of The Duke of Edinburgh, whose funeral takes place inside the grounds of Windsor Castle this afternoon.

The Duchess of Sussex, who is unable to attend in person due to her pregnancy, said: “Prince Philip was always pretty nice to me in actual fact.

“I expected him to give me a hard time over the fact that I’m mixed race but he never mentioned it once, although he did make a few jokes about fried chicken and neighbourhood gang membership.

“A friend of mine with a private zoo is supplying the gibbon and I hope to sacrifice it at the same moment that the Call To Arms is being sounded in the chapel at Windsor while he lies there in his coffin.”

The move has met with some criticism, however, with The Times of London calling it, ‘ill-advised’, while the Daily Mail, a long-term critic of The Duchess, called it, ‘A disgusting and  desperate bid to steal the limelight while at the same time increasing the plight of a critically endangered species”

In 2002, the Duchess of Windsor, Wallace Simpson, came under fire for slitting the throat of a Bahamian virgin on the steps of Westminster Abbey during the funeral service of Princess Margaret.

I’ll crack walnuts between my butt cheeks to show support for Meghan, says Pippa Middleton

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Nutcracker sweet. Pippa proudly displaying the buns of steel that wowed the entire nation

In a gesture of support for the underfire Duchess of Sussex, Pippa Middleton, the pert-bottomed sister of future Queen of England, Kate, has told friends that she intends to crack an entire quarter-pound bag of walnuts between the cheeks of her buttocks outside swanky, top people’s store, Harrods, next Tuesday afternoon in protest at Meghan’s treatment by the media.

A close friend of the powerfully-cheeked, ‘almost-royal’ told The Whelk: “Pippa’s really upset by the treatment that Meghan is receiving from the press on both sides of the Atlantic and wants to show her support.

“Also, she doesn’t like the way that Kate is getting all the attention these days, now that nobody’s talking about Pippa’s arse like they used to in the months after Wills and Kate got spliced.

“By cracking walnuts in her bum crack while holding a pro-Megs banner she’ll be able to show her support for Meghan, while, at the same time, draw people’s attention once more to her cracking set of buns”

Pippa’s protest is not entirely without royal precedent.

In May 1966, Princess Margaret, showed her opposition to the Labour government of Harold Wilson by removing her underwear at The State Opening of Parliament and shooting the entire contents of a packet of KP dry roast peanuts from her vaginal passage as the Prime Minister took up his seat in The House of Commons.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE COMPETITION

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A crisp fiver and a week’s holiday on Olly Murs’ big face for the lucky winner.

EDITORIAL COMMENT: Here at The Whelk, we have pondered, long and hard, the question of Meghan’s unpopularity with the British press and some members of the public, both here and across the pond. However, despite our best efforts, we simply can’t fathom what it is about the mixed-race actress that folks find so objectionable. It sure is a strange one.

Meghan killed Cambridge’s dog using power of suggestion, says Daily Mail

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In a hard-hitting editorial, The Daily Mail newspaper has accused Meghan Markle of using the power of suggestion to kill the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s nine-year-old cocker spaniel, Lupo, (picture above) who passed away at the weekend.

The Mail’s leader claims that Markle willed the dog to die during a cocaine and booze-fulled sex romp with friends and family on Saturday night:

“Meghan has never liked that dog right from the word go and relished the chance to bring about its destruction through the power of suggestion while high on drink and drugs” the Mail claims

“We also think she may have caused Prince Archie to shit himself in the corner on his first day of school using the same method”

If proven, this will mirror the 1969 Daily Mirror revelation that Princess Margaret caused Prince Philip to experience erectile dysfunction every night while on his honeymoon with The Queen in 1947 using voodoo.

Queen on Meghan: I miss our boiled eggs with soldiers, breakfasts in bed

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Brekkie buddies: The Queen and Meghan pictured before The Duchess cleared off back to America

Her Majesty The Queen yesterday revealed in a BBC documentary that she often enjoyed having breakfast in bed with The Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, and that she misses it dreadfully.

Speaking to documentary-maker, Louis Theroux, a clearly wistful Queen said: “Meghan would often pop down in the morning and climb into bed with me for a snuggle.

“We’d chat about life as a royal, its trials and tribulations and all manner of other things.

“Meghan was a big football fan who supported West Ham United and would often get a little tearful when the footman bought in the papers and she read about her beloved Hammers suffering another heavy defeat.

“I’m a Chelsea fan personally so I couldn’t have cared less, to be honest.

“We’d chat for a while and then breakfast would be served and we’d have it in bed, playfully dipping our soldiers in each other’s eggs and generally having a good laugh.

“Sometimes, Harry would come in looking for her and start moaning about having to breakfast alone but after he’d gone we’d start giggling because we both knew he had the face on over not getting his morning leg-over.

“I miss our times together and wish she’d make her peace with the family and come back.

“Kate’s very nice but she’s a bit strait-laced, to be honest.

“I did ask her if she’d care to join me for breakfast in bed on occasion but she made excuses and generally shied away from the idea.

“I think she suspected my motives and thought I could be a lezzer and might start muff-diving her under the covers”

Her Majesty’s surprise revelations come just a month after Prince Philip told Esquire magazine that he regularly had midnight feasts and nude pillow fights with Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, when she lived at Buckingham Palace with Prince Andrew in the 90s.

Meghan could wipe out an entire continent with coronavirus says Daily Express

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Meghan pictured in the Express earlier today

The leader in today’s Daily Express newspaper makes the claim that Meghan Markle could potentially eradicate all human life on an entire continent were she to contract a particularly virulent and deadly form of the Covid-19 virus and subsequently introduce it into the population via physical contact or breathing.

In it’s editorial, the paper says: “Meghan Markle could infect an entire continent by careless, or even malicious behaviour while carrying Covid-19, which we certainly wouldn’t put past her.

“As far as we are aware, she has made no attempt to self-isolate, despite the fact that the virus could mutate into a far more deadly form and that she could catch it and set off a viral chain reaction that could lead to the death of millions.

“Fortunately, she has chosen to leave our shores, for the time being, leaving the Duchess of Cambridge to fulfil her royal duties, who is, of course, immune from any form of infection whatsoever due to her fragrance, and who, in any case, would probably single-handedly invent an antidote for the virus in a royal laboratory if Britain were to fall victim to a pandemic of any description.”

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