I’ll sacrifice a Sumatran gibbon to honour the life of Prince Philip. vows Meghan

Prince Philip and Meghan pictured in happier times before he checked out

Meghan Markle last night told reporters that she intends to sacrifice a live Sumatran gibbon on an alter in her back garden to commemorate the life of The Duke of Edinburgh, whose funeral takes place inside the grounds of Windsor Castle this afternoon.

The Duchess of Sussex, who is unable to attend in person due to her pregnancy, said: “Prince Philip was always pretty nice to me in actual fact.

“I expected him to give me a hard time over the fact that I’m mixed race but he never mentioned it once, although he did make a few jokes about fried chicken and neighbourhood gang membership.

“A friend of mine with a private zoo is supplying the gibbon and I hope to sacrifice it at the same moment that the Call To Arms is being sounded in the chapel at Windsor while he lies there in his coffin.”

The move has met with some criticism, however, with The Times of London calling it, ‘ill-advised’, while the Daily Mail, a long-term critic of The Duchess, called it, ‘A disgusting and  desperate bid to steal the limelight while at the same time increasing the plight of a critically endangered species”

In 2002, the Duchess of Windsor, Wallace Simpson, came under fire for slitting the throat of a Bahamian virgin on the steps of Westminster Abbey during the funeral service of Princess Margaret.

I’ll crack walnuts between my butt cheeks to show support for Meghan, says Pippa Middleton

Nutcracker sweet. Pippa proudly displaying the buns of steel that wowed the entire nation

In a gesture of support for the underfire Duchess of Sussex, Pippa Middleton, the pert-bottomed sister of future Queen of England, Kate, has told friends that she intends to crack an entire quarter-pound bag of walnuts between the cheeks of her buttocks outside swanky, top people’s store, Harrods, next Tuesday afternoon in protest at Meghan’s treatment by the media.

A close friend of the powerfully-cheeked, ‘almost-royal’ told The Whelk: “Pippa’s really upset by the treatment that Meghan is receiving from the press on both sides of the Atlantic and wants to show her support.

“Also, she doesn’t like the way that Kate is getting all the attention these days, now that nobody’s talking about Pippa’s arse like they used to in the months after Wills and Kate got spliced.

“By cracking walnuts in her bum crack while holding a pro-Megs banner she’ll be able to show her support for Meghan, while, at the same time, draw people’s attention once more to her cracking set of buns”

Pippa’s protest is not entirely without royal precedent.

In May 1966, Princess Margaret, showed her opposition to the Labour government of Harold Wilson by removing her underwear at The State Opening of Parliament and shooting the entire contents of a packet of KP dry roast peanuts from her vaginal passage as the Prime Minister took up his seat in The House of Commons.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE COMPETITION

A crisp fiver and a week’s holiday on Olly Murs’ big face for the lucky winner.

EDITORIAL COMMENT: Here at The Whelk, we have pondered, long and hard, the question of Meghan’s unpopularity with the British press and some members of the public, both here and across the pond. However, despite our best efforts, we simply can’t fathom what it is about the mixed-race actress that folks find so objectionable. It sure is a strange one.

Meghan killed Cambridge’s dog using power of suggestion, says Daily Mail

In a hard-hitting editorial, The Daily Mail newspaper has accused Meghan Markle of using the power of suggestion to kill the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s nine-year-old cocker spaniel, Lupo, (picture above) who passed away at the weekend.

The Mail’s leader claims that Markle willed the dog to die during a cocaine and booze-fulled sex romp with friends and family on Saturday night:

“Meghan has never liked that dog right from the word go and relished the chance to bring about its destruction through the power of suggestion while high on drink and drugs” the Mail claims

“We also think she may have caused Prince Archie to shit himself in the corner on his first day of school using the same method”

If proven, this will mirror the 1969 Daily Mirror revelation that Princess Margaret caused Prince Philip to experience erectile dysfunction every night while on his honeymoon with The Queen in 1947 using voodoo.

Queen on Meghan: I miss our boiled eggs with soldiers, breakfasts in bed

Brekkie buddies: The Queen and Meghan pictured before The Duchess cleared off back to America

Her Majesty The Queen yesterday revealed in a BBC documentary that she often enjoyed having breakfast in bed with The Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, and that she misses it dreadfully.

Speaking to documentary-maker, Louis Theroux, a clearly wistful Queen said: “Meghan would often pop down in the morning and climb into bed with me for a snuggle.

“We’d chat about life as a royal, its trials and tribulations and all manner of other things.

“Meghan was a big football fan who supported West Ham United and would often get a little tearful when the footman bought in the papers and she read about her beloved Hammers suffering another heavy defeat.

“I’m a Chelsea fan personally so I couldn’t have cared less, to be honest.

“We’d chat for a while and then breakfast would be served and we’d have it in bed, playfully dipping our soldiers in each other’s eggs and generally having a good laugh.

“Sometimes, Harry would come in looking for her and start moaning about having to breakfast alone but after he’d gone we’d start giggling because we both knew he had the face on over not getting his morning leg-over.

“I miss our times together and wish she’d make her peace with the family and come back.

“Kate’s very nice but she’s a bit strait-laced, to be honest.

“I did ask her if she’d care to join me for breakfast in bed on occasion but she made excuses and generally shied away from the idea.

“I think she suspected my motives and thought I could be a lezzer and might start muff-diving her under the covers”

Her Majesty’s surprise revelations come just a month after Prince Philip told Esquire magazine that he regularly had midnight feasts and nude pillow fights with Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, when she lived at Buckingham Palace with Prince Andrew in the 90s.

Meghan could wipe out an entire continent with coronavirus says Daily Express

Meghan pictured in the Express earlier today

The leader in today’s Daily Express newspaper makes the claim that Meghan Markle could potentially eradicate all human life on an entire continent were she to contract a particularly virulent and deadly form of the Covid-19 virus and subsequently introduce it into the population via physical contact or breathing.

In it’s editorial, the paper says: “Meghan Markle could infect an entire continent by careless, or even malicious behaviour while carrying Covid-19, which we certainly wouldn’t put past her.

“As far as we are aware, she has made no attempt to self-isolate, despite the fact that the virus could mutate into a far more deadly form and that she could catch it and set off a viral chain reaction that could lead to the death of millions.

“Fortunately, she has chosen to leave our shores, for the time being, leaving the Duchess of Cambridge to fulfil her royal duties, who is, of course, immune from any form of infection whatsoever due to her fragrance, and who, in any case, would probably single-handedly invent an antidote for the virus in a royal laboratory if Britain were to fall victim to a pandemic of any description.”

Did Meghan tamper with ignition system on Queen’s Land Rover asks Daily Mail.

The royal rumour mill was abuzz with conjecture last night after a gamekeeper on The Queen’s Sandringham estate revealed that Her Majesty had told him that her favourite Land Rover Defender was ‘running a bit lumpy’ following an early morning drive around the estate last week.

The Daily Mail newspaper is examining the theory that The Duchess of Sussex may have tampered with the ignition system on the vehicle in a malicious act designed to get her own back on The Queen for complaining to the press that she and Prince Harry are stepping back from their royal duties.

The Mail’s motoring correspondent lashed out furiously at The Duchess in his morning column: “It’s a nailed-on certainty that Meghan has done this to cause Her Majesty upset” he writes

“I’m convinced that she removed the distributor cap, re-gapped the points and altered the dwell angle.

“She almost certainly also loosened one or two HT leads on the sparkplugs just for good measure.

“The woman’s disrespect for our Monarchy seems to know no bounds to be honest.

“I’m not saying it’s because she’s black but it certainly can’t help, can it?”

In other news, the Daily Telegraph has accused Meghan of giving Prince George fleas after holding the royal youngster’s hand during a stroll in Green Park a year ago.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article contains no inference that the British right-wing media are being racist in the way they single out the Duchess for criticism. In our view, they treat all people of colour with equal disdain

Queen punches out Meghan during heated late-night supper exchange

Battling royal. The Queen pictured in combative mood just hours before she gave Meghan a clumping

A Buckingham Palace insider has told The Whelk that The Queen launched a frenzied, two-fisted attack on the Duchess of Sussex last weekend, during a furious row about Meghan’s recent remarks about becoming a member of the royal family in a BBC documentary.

The source told us that The Queen had been drinking heavily for most of the evening and seemed to be spoiling for a fight.

Her Majesty reportedly launched into a blistering verbal attack on Meghan during supper, calling her, ‘a colonial scumbag’ before raining down a series of blows on the startled Duchess who was knocked backwards in her chair, banging her head on an ornamental fireguard.

The Queen allegedly then tried to follow up by kicking the weeping Meghan in the head, but was dragged back by Princess Ann, who got her mother in a bear hug telling her to, “just leave it, she’s not worth it”

If true, this will be the second time that Her Majesty has allowed her fists to do the talking.

In 1986, she knocked out, Prince Andrew’s new bride, Sarah Ferguson, in a drunken exchange between the pair at the wedding reception, during which, she called the Duchess of York, a “fat slag” and, “an old ginger spunker”

Royal Family to Spend Xmas on Olly Murs’ Big Face

Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty The Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A Palace spokesman told reporters that The Queen is fed up with spending every Christmas at Balmoral and fancied a change.

“Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she will be spending Christmas on Olly Murs’s big face and will remain there until January 2 when she will return to Windsor Castle to recover from the drink for a day or two”

It is understood that the Queen and Prince Philip will be spending the nights on Murs’s gigantic forehead, while William and Kate will be given a small suite of rooms on his massive chin.

Harry and Meghan will be spending much of the festive period up his massive nose, although, due to their famously raucous lovemaking, The Queen has stipulated that they sleep in separate nostrils and that Murs must put wads of cotton wool up his nose at night in case Harry tries to sneak into Meghan’s nostril to give her a noisy scuttling while everyone’s sleeping off the grog.

It is also understood that strict security will be in place in case Fergie tries to sneak onto Murs’s face uninvited.

This move will constitute the biggest departure from royal festive tradition since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, along with 700 invited guests, saw in the New Year on the cheeks of Kaiser Wilhelm’s gigantic arse.