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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Mike Steeden

Right-Wing Couple Engage In Race War Following African Link Revelation

mike and shirley
Steeden and Blamey in happier times before finding out that they both had a touch of the tar brush

An extreme right-wing couple have been attacking each other with racist slurs since discovering that all of mankind can trace its roots back to the African continent.

Mike Steeden, 80, and his 40-year-old partner, Shirley Blamey, have been locked in a bitter race war since reading about man’s links to Africa in The Guardian newspaper.

The pair, have been racially abusing one another online and have even been taunting one another with monkey chants when one of them enters a room.

Steeden, a retired caretaker from Kentish Town in West London, told us: “We used to get on like a house on fire before I found out she was basically as black as the ace of spades.

“Now, I avoid being in the same room and don’t allow her to cook dinner in case she puts poison in the yams or flobs in the curry goat with rice and peas.

“Prior to reading that piece in the paper, I’d had no inkling that she was a bloody foreigner, much less, a damn wog.

“Now, I’m taking steps to have her joint tenancy agreement revoked so I can throw her out.

“Let her go and live in Brixton or Hoxton with her own kind”

Ms Blamey refused to be interviewed but we understand that she has starting daubing racist graffiti on Steeden’s car and has told friends that she had suspected something was not quite right when she noticed he was fairly good at basketball and dancing.

A notice has now gone up in the window of the boarding house they run in Southend in Essex: ‘NO DOGS, NO IRISH, NO BLACKS, NO US.’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Mike and Shirley are both dear friends of mine and I’m absolutely certain they won’t take exception to being portrayed as facist lunatics. In fact…BLAM!…*thud*

West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana let-down.

nana

A 97-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after he blasted his 101-year-old wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage after discovering that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph.

Michael Steeden, a retired boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.

Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet according to an eye witness.

His wife of eighty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.

The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as ‘comfortable but a bit shaken’

A police spokesman told newsmen: “Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.

“He has admitted to the offence, blaming disappointment at discovering that post-Brexit bananas had not yet been straightened.

“Wait till he finds out that we still haven’t got rid of all the blacks”

More as we get it.

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