The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



20th Century Whelk Proudly Present…!


Das Pie Und Mash: A heartbreaking motion picture which chronicles the struggles of a simple Austrian house painter as he seeks world domination and a decent plate of East London scoff.

Starring: Danny “The Liebling of Limehouse” SoZ as Adolf Twitler


Obergruppenführer Artful Dodger as “Pineapple” Fritz, his faithful aide de camp

Filmed in Jellied Eel Vision on location at The Blind Beggar, Whitechapel Road, London E1

All rights up for reasonable offers

©Whelk Film Workshop

Not suitable for Under 18s, Over 18s, and people from South London

Online pornography leads to big rise in applicants for plumbing apprenticeships.


plumber porn

According to a recent report, the growing number of young men who have been exposed to hardcore online pornography since their early teens has led to a steep rise in applications for plumbing apprenticeships.

A spokesman for the Department of Trade and Industry who compiled the report, said last night: “The plumbing sector has been inundated with young male applicants, eager to begin on a career path that will lead to an above average wage, coupled with the added attraction of countless steamy romps with attractive, bored housewives on an almost daily basis

“Our research has lead us to believe that this can only be put down to the number of adult films that youngsters are constantly exposed to depicting tradesmen – and plumbers in particular – being offered sex on a plate by scantily-clad housewives while their husbands are at work”

The report also finds that young girls too have been influenced by the quantity of saucy material that is readily available these days.

When questioned, 95% of young women between 16 and 20 said they would definitely consider visiting a garage to pick up their car wearing just a fur coat and racy underwear, having left their credit cards at home on the table.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Movies With Pretty Judgemental Titles


THIS WEEK: The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward, Robert Ford



Jesse pictured in happier times before he was shot in the back by a total scumbag.


NEXT WEEK: The Killing Of Abe Lincoln By The Fat-Arsed, Ugly Bastard, John Wilkes Booth

Missing Whitechapel woman found dead inside home-built model of R2-D2


Mrs Dell pictured in happier times in 1979


The body of a woman whose family reported her missing 6 months ago has been found inside a life-sized model of Star Wars droid, R2-D2, that she built from scrap metal in 1977 shortly after the release of the first epic.

Mary Dell, 50, was an avid fan of the sci-fi blockbuster movies, and according to her husband, Toby, 57, had become increasingly depressed following R2’s death in August last year.

“Mary became almost reclusive after R2 passed away”, he told The Whelk.

“She used to spend hours upstairs in the bedroom inside her R2 model. Me and the kids often used to shout up to her, as the noise of the rumbling on the floorboards made it difficult to hear the telly.

She stopped speaking to people and used to communicate by making those clicking and whistling sounds that R2 used to make in the films. It used to get on my nerves to be honest.

“Our sex life became almost non-existent and I had already filed for a divorce when she suddenly vanished 6 months ago.

“Looking back, I suppose I should have checked inside her model of R2, but it just didn’t occur to me”

“I’ll probably have it melted down for scrap after this unless any of the grandkids want it to play with”

It’s a sad business, to be honest, but it’s what she would have wanted at the end of the day”

Mrs Dell will be laid to rest next Tuesday at Whitechapel Cemetery where neither, Star Wars director, George Lucas, nor any of the cast and crew will be in attendance.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Stars Whose Names Are Almost Synonymous With Pieces of Fruit

THIS WEEK: Eric Bana

Almost fruity. Bana posing for The Whelk at our offices last night.

NEXT WEEK: Stars whose names very nearly suggest that they are serial masturbators, featuring Tom Hanks.

Clivey & Gaz in: ‘Mutt and Jeff’

clive with gaz adams family
The scene is the public bar of The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London. Clivey is at a corner table, sipping his pint. He appears to be in pensive mood when his old friend, Gaz, enters and greets him warmly

“Wotcha, Clivey”
“Alright, Gaz, me old mate?”
“Sweet as a nut pal. I was just on me way to get me ears syringed as it goes. What’s happening bruv?”
“Ears syringed bruv? Are you going mutt and jeff in your old age?”
“Never mind bruv. In answer to your question, I’m thinking of buying a Saxophone, Gaz”
“Oh yeah? What’s all that about then?”
“It’s like this Gaz. I was in the garden shed the other day, when…”
“Did the old woman lock you out again son?”
“Yeah, she did as it ‘appens. I forgot the gravy powder”
“That’s a pretty harsh reaction mate. After all, you’re only human”
“That’s what I said, mate. It was then that she threw the skillet at me”
“You must have had a lot on your mind to forget the gravy like that. I mean, it’s not like you’d been drinking is it?”
“Absolutely bruv! I’d only had the 6 pints!”
“That woman’s a tyrant son. She don’t deserve you bruv. Anyway, about this bag of phones you’re going to buy”
“The bag of phones you mentioned. Are you going to sell them?”
“I said, I wanted to buy, a Saxophone, Gaz”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just wondering, what you’re going to do with ’em. Try Whitechapel market. They’re always knocking out moody phones down there bruv.”
“I worry about you sometimes son”
“That’s nice of you mate. Fancy another pint?
“Yeah, sod it. You only live once sheriff. I’ll have a pint of Best.”
“Off for a rest? Fair enough bruv, I’ll have yours then. I’ll catch you later then squire”

Clivey & Gaz will shortly be appearing at Donald Trump’s impeachment ceremony at Shoreditch Working Men’s Club.

10 jolly good reasons to avoid watching certain movies



“If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the popcorn darlinks”


In this section, The Whitechapel Whelk’s film critic and sexually ambivalent women’s hockey buff, Lord Garfield of Hoadley, gives you 10 excellent reasons why you should avoid certain films like the plague. In particular, he strongly advises you to steer well clear of any film which is accompanied by the following description:

1 – Starring Bruce Willis
2 – Directed by Bruce Willis
3 – Screenplay by Bruce Willis
4 – Miss Jolie’s hair by Bruce “Teasie Weasie” Willis
5 – Hard-hitting documentary looking at the early life of Bruce Willis
6 – Musical with choreography and set design by Bruce Willis
7 – Baffling whodunnit, written and directed by Bruce Willis
8 – Catering by Bruce Willis’s Mobile Hot Dog & Sarsaparilla Co. Ltd.
9 – The Bruce Willis Story
10 – Enjoyable holiday romp starring Cliff Richard, with a special guest appearance by Bruce Willis.

Lord Garfield of Hoadley is showbiz editor of Popular Arc Welding Monthly

Create a free website or blog at

Up ↑