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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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music

BREXIT & THE ARTS

 

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We just received a notification that a new editor will soon be coming to WordPress to ‘improve our layout’. Does this mean I’ll be out of a job? – Old editor.

ARTS GRATIA ARSEHATS

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For those unfamiliar with the British political scene and the current Brexit machinations that are making us all slump face down into the soup course, Rees-Mogg is a privileged, feeble-minded, Old Etonian twat and backbench Conservative MP who used to stand for the National Anthem when he was alone in his study at school, and is still living in the Britain of Admiral Lord Nelson and The Duke of Wellington, and who ardently believes it will be in the countries best interests to crash out of the Brexit negotiations with absolutely no deal on the table, despite being warned against it by the Governor of The Bank of England (whom he attacked yesterday for having the temerity to be a Canadian), and also Her Majesty’s Treasury, who reported that a no-deal Brexit would be ‘catastrophic’ and somewhat akin to throwing ourselves from The White Cliffs of Dover into a sea, boiling with hungry piranhas and female Great White Sharks suffering from acute pre-menstrual tension.

In short, this fool is an industrial strength, mewling pencil with blancmange for brains. Think Donald Trump in a top hat and tails.

Merry Christmas – Ed

PS: Many thanks to our fragrant and long-suffering graphics editor, Sofia, who toiled long and hard to make my own pathetic mock-up look a lot more presentable. Thank you, my lovely.

5 Things You May Not Know About Freddie Mercury

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1: Freddie wasn’t his real name. He was born Hymie Finklestein to Muslim parents in Southend-On-Sea in Essex

2: He was the lead singer in the pop group, Queen

3: He was gay but kept it a secret. Not even his hundreds of male lovers knew

4: Freddie holds the world record for blowing up balloons. He once blew up over 3 thousand of those long sausage-shaped ones in just 25 minutes

5: He died a few years back which is why you don’t see him on telly anymore

NEXT WEEK: 10 remarkable things about Donald Trump, including the fact that he’s  a weapons-grade fuckwit

Whelk Exclusive: Trump Made Up for Bad Sex With Blistering Piano Accordion Solo: Stormy Daniels Speaks Out

 

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Yeah, the boy can play. Trump pictured with an accordion last night

Ex-porn star turned kiss and tell sensation, Stormy Daniels, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that US President, Donald Trump, gave a sensational rendition of a medley of popular tunes on the piano accordion following their brief sexual encounter in 2006

Speaking exclusively to our showbiz editor, Daniels, 87, said “He was absolutely useless in the sack, to be honest. At one point I had to ask him if he’d started.

“However, he more than made up for it afterwards when he took his piano accordion from the wardrobe and launched into a number of old time favourites.

“His skill and virtuosity were pretty damn sensational to be fair to the man.

“He played a number of tunes, including, The Rose of Traylee, Danny Boy, The Sash My Father Wore, and most memorably of all for me, the theme tune from Bonanza.

“To my astonishment, I became extremely aroused during the performance and actually reached a shattering climax during the closing bars of, You Were Made For Me. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.”

Ms Daniels’ revelation comes almost 25 years to the day since, White House intern, Monica Lewinsky, told newsmen that President Bill Clinton had played a wonderful rendition of the Chas and Dave hit, Give Me a London Girl, on the mouth organ while she sucked him off under the table at a UN summit conference in 1995.

Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

Marvin Gaye (1968) - I Heard It Through The Grapevine

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have been informed by sources close to the President of The United States that he’s a big fan of this particular long-running series of musical funnies.

Apparently, he spends hours in his room, looking at the pictures, running his finger beneath the writing and silently mouthing the words

Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

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NEXT WEEK: Jumping Jack Flash for people who have swallowed a bloody dictionary

Archaeological Bombshell: Ginger Rogers played the accordion at The Last Supper claim theologians

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An ancient photograph taken by St James at The Last Supper showing Rogers in fine form.

 

The Royal London Society of Theologians last night made the sensational claim that 1940’s film legend, Ginger Rogers, played a medley of tunes on the piano accordion at the final gathering of Christ and his disciples, known as, The Last Supper, before His arrest and crucifixion by the Romans.

Rogers, whose true age has never been verified but who is believed to have been in her early thirties at the time, played a medley of sea shanties, including, Hearts of Oak, Anchors Aweigh, and Blow The Man Down.

Verification has now been confirmed following the discovery of a scroll believed to have been written by St Thomas, in which he states: “We were all feeling a bit depressed because it was The Last Supper, so when Ginger turned up and played a few shanties, it was just what the doctor ordered.

“A couple of the lads even got up and had a little dance, and even Jesus was tapping his foot under the table”

It is not known at this time whether Rogers was hired by one of The Disciples beforehand or whether she was a part of the in-house entertainment laid on by the inn.

This latest revelation comes just a year after a 2000-year-old document revealed that iconic song and dance man, Sammy Davis Junior, sang, Hit The Road Jack, and the theme tune from Rawhide, during Christ’s appearance before Pontius Pilate on charges of sedition and vandalising the temple.

I’ll protect vulnerable Scots from Sun’s rays with my big face says, Olly Murs

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Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, has vowed to shield the fair-skinned people of Scotland from harmful UVA rays during the current heatwave by blocking out the sun with his massive dial.

Murs told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “If I can prevent one single Scotch person from getting sunburned by using my gigantic face, then my life will not have been in vain.”

The Dance With Me star plans to stand on a hill close to Hadrians Wall and blot out the Sun between the hours of 11.00 and 16.00 when the rays are at their most harmful.

It is believed that over 30,000 millilitres of sun cream will be applied to Murs’ gargantuan face by a team of over 50 makeup artists before he takes up his position at 11.00am today.

If you have fair skin like a Scotch person and are concerned about exposure to harmful UVA rays then stay indoors, you bloody idiot – Ed

Cher gives birth to 93rd child in Sacremento McDonald’s restroom

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I Got You Babe: Cher pictured outside the maternity ward last night

Pop legend, Cher, yesterday announced, that last Tuesday afternoon, she gave birth to her 93rd child during a visit to the ladies facilities at a McDonald’s restaurant in Sacremento, California.

The clearly emotional, ‘Gypsies Tramps and Thieves’ singer, told newsmen: “It was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.

“I went into the little girls’ room to lay a loaf after a heavy meal and emerged with another kid.

“I mean what are the chances for God’s sake? Hell, I didn’t even know I was pregnant”

The, ‘It’s In His Kiss’ star, now has 63 girls and 30 boys, all by different fathers, and is fast catching up with close friend, Meryl Streep, who has 106 mixed race children and who is currently in a Detroit maternity unit awaiting the birth of her 3rd set of triplets.

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