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Farage made me dress as Trump during saucy romp says, Iain Duncan Smith

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Saucy. Duncan Smith last night

Former Tory Party leader, Sir Iain Duncan Smith, has told The Daily Express that Brexit champion, Nigel Farage, made him dress as US President, Donald Trump, during a sordid romp at Farage’s home in Surrey last year.

Duncan Smith, 66, told the newspaper: “Nigel invited me round one evening in October last year.

“I thought he wanted to discuss Britain’s post-Brexit trade negotiations with Africa or something.

“However, he made it pretty clear from the outset that there was only one thing on his mind.

“He was scantily-clad in just shorts and a Hawaiian-style, short-sleeved shirt. His hands were all over me as soon as I sat down on the sofa.

“He started kissing my neck and began fondling me over my trousers.

“He then produced a Donald Trump wig and begged me to put it on and to adopt an American accent.

“I was confused and a little scared so I complied with his wishes and began talking about Nambia, covfefe, and invisible USAF planes.

“It was over in seconds, to be honest. I think my references to injecting bleach may have been the trigger.

“He then made me a cup of tea, told me that he loved me and asked me to leave.

“I felt used and dirty. I told my wife and she advised me to sell my story to the papers to get a few quid out of it”

Duncan Smith’s account comes just a week after ex-Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, told newsmen that he was asked by, ex-Tory backbencher, Ann Widdecombe, to tie her up in her cellar and commit an unnatural act while dressed as Karl Marx.

SURVEY: Intelligence Quotient at Brexit Celebration Will Mirror 1960s Chimp’s Tea Party

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Brexit Party members pictured in earnest discussion last week

A recent survey carried out by Swansea University has found that the average level of intelligence per attendee at the forthcoming Brexit celebratory gathering in Parliament Square on January 31st will be roughly on a par with a primate at one of the chimp’s tea parties that were held at London Zoo in the 1960s.

The study, conducted among a cross-section of Brexit enthusiasts who have expressed a desire to attend, found that the intellect of some party-goers was so woefully low that many were unable to complete the questionnaire, or defaced it by scribbling over the questions in green crayon.

The party itself – the brainchild of Brexit poster boy, Nigel Farage – will feature appearances from prominent Brexiteers such as Weatherspoons boss, Tim Martin, pop star, Morrisey, and diminutive MP, Mark Francois, who will be provided with a box to stand on so that he can see over the table.

Red, white, and blue jelly, British fizzy pop, and bulldog-shaped cupcakes will be provided on the night with all proceeds going to Mr Farage’s favourite charity, Fascists In Need.

It is understood that due to the great age of some of the revellers, incontinence pads and Phylosan injections will be available if required.

Older partygoers will also be able to join in some old parlour game favourites such as; Pin The Tail On The Darky, Musical Wheelchairs, and, Beat Your Romanian Benefits Cheat Neighbour Out of Doors.

A large section of those in attendance are expected to consist of people from the north of England, so whippet watering stations, Hovis jam butties, and cloth cap pegs will be laid on to accommodate this contingent.

The evening will end at midnight with a rousing rendition of Hearts Of Oak and Jerusalem, with flashcards displaying the words being held up by helpers for the benefit of the small number who are able to read.

March To Leave Participants Running Low On Elven Bread

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Yes, I think we’ll stick to pie and mash, to be honest

The small band of Brexiters taking part in the March To Leave journey from Sunderland to London are reportedly running low on their supply of nourishing elven bread, or Lembas.

A small piece of the wholesome, ‘waybread’ was given to each participant, wrapped in a single Telperion leaf, by march organiser, Nigel ‘Galadriel’ Farage, before they set out on their quest to rescue Brexit from the dark forces of Parliamendor last Sunday.

A spokesman for the marchers, calling himself, Banksie Son Of Bloat, spoke to newsmen from outside his club in London’s Bloomsbury.

“I have been informed of the shortage of Lembas and will be doing everything in my power to ensure that a fresh supply is sent to the boys and girls as soon as I have received the necessary bank transfers from them”

When challenged about the sparsity of the participants, he explained that there were over a thousand to begin with but many had been picked off by fearsome Snowflake Ring Wraiths shortly after setting off from an inn, and by raiding parties of extreme left-wing Remoaner Orcs on the outskirts of Hartlepool

Newsmen later confronted, march organiser, Farage, and asked him why he wasn’t participating himself.

He explained that he had been there the entire time but had been invisible because he’d been wearing the One Ring To Fool Them All.

He then slipped a gold band on his middle finger and disappeared into a wine bar in swish, Minas Mayfair.

Apologies to our valued friends from foreign lands who won’t have a clue as to what we’re taking the piss out of here. It’s basically a bunch of fuckwits trudging through the rain in support of a policy that will bring our country down to the level of a 3rd World banana republic without any bananas.

Think Trump supporters in wellington boots. – Ed

Cancer Sufferers launch crowdfund to have James Corden fired into the Sun

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Spot the fat misogynist. You can have more than one answer

Over 20,000 people suffering from various forms of cancer have responded to a crowdfunding appeal to have the popular actor and TV personality, James Corden, fired into the Sun.

The appeal was launched by a small group of patients and staff members at The Royal Marsden Hospital in Surrey on Wednesday in response to news that Corden is to star in a special edition of his hit TV show, Carpool Karaoke, to raise money for the Stand Up To Cancer appeal.

A hospital spokesman told newsmen: “When these patients heard that James was going to be associating himself with their condition they immediately launched an online appeal for funds to cover the cost of having the wholly unpleasant twat fired into the Sun.

“I know that many of the hospital staff have also dug deep, in the hope that the seriously unfunny moon-faced chump will be vaporised by the Sun’s rays as soon as possible”

This move comes just a month after people suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome raised close to half a million pounds in two weeks to pay for the extreme right-wing political pundit, Nigel Farage, to be bombarded with gamma rays and then dropped from an aircraft over Faisalabad without a parachute.

British politics divided over who’s the best Zee: Jay or Chimpan

 

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Monkey business. The House of Commons pictured in uproar yesterday afternoon

 

A furious debate is raging across the political divide as to who is the best zee. Is it the jungle-dwelling primate, Chimpan, or the rap star husband of Beyonce, Jay.

Opinion was fiercely divided amongst MPs in The House of Commons last night as the debate raged among members from all parties.

Labour’s left-wing firebrand, Denis Skinner, was vociferous in his assertion that Jay was head and shoulders above his sub-Saharan African rival: “There can be little doubt that Jay is the best zee by a country mile” he told a noisy debating chamber.

“I admit he’s not as good a singer as the chimpans, but at least he’s earned a few million quid and he gets to give Beyonce a scuttling on a Saturday night. That has to count for something”

Prime Minister, Theresa May, strongly rebuffed Skinner’s assertion, telling The House: “What utter nonsense from my honourable friend.

“Chimpans are not only better entertainers than Jay but they are also quite strong and could tear him limb from limb in a fight.

“Also, the babies are very cute, especially when dressed as children and sat down together at a tea party”

The debate broadened last night when the controversial right-wing, ex-UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, said on the BBC’s, Question Time: “I like them both as neither of them are European, however, if push comes to shove, I’ll go for the one who’s the least black”

‘Cowardly’ Nigel Farage dumped me by semaphore claims mistress

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A former lover of the right-wing political figure, Nigel Farage, has branded the former UKIP leader ‘cowardly’ after he allegedly ended their 6 months relationship using semaphore signals sent from a hill close to the woman’s home in July this year.

The 37-year-old woman told a Sunday newspaper: “Just before he dumped me, I received a text from Nigel asking me to look out of the bedroom window which I did.

“He was standing on top of a hill about a quarter of a mile away with the two semaphore flags at his sides.

“He then began signalling that he was sorry but he felt that our relationship was going nowhere and that he wanted to end it.

“He signalled that it was nothing that I had done and that I was a lovely woman who deserved better.

“Then, before I could fetch my own semaphore flags from the dresser to beg him to reconsider and to think of how much we had once meant to one another, he was gone.

“I felt devastated and used. In my view, Nigel acted in a cowardly manner and should have had the backbone to dump me by text, or at the very least, via a Facebook PM.”

Farage, who has been estranged from his German wife for a number of years, previously came under attack in June 2013 for making inappropriate lewd advances to a 22-year-old female UKIP party worker using a ship-to-ship Aldis lamp.

Local man kills long lost twin brother after Brexit flare-up.

 

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Brexit exit: The murdered man pictured in happier times following the referendum

 

A 62-year-old Whitechapel man murdered the twin brother he had not seen since they were separated shortly after birth in 1955 just seconds into their reunion following a heated exchange about Britain’s forthcoming withdrawal from The European Union, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday

Toby Dell, a mechanic from Denbigh Street, and an ardent ‘Remainer’, bludgeoned his twin brother, Garfield, to death with a poker after discovering that he was a keen ‘Brexiteer’ and an admirer of the former leader of The United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage.

Sentencing him to life imprisonment, Mr Justice Carter-Tracy, told Dell: “You are clearly a violent and impetuous man and the public has to be protected from your actions, no matter how justified some of us think they may be”

As Dell was led from the dock he raised a defiant fist to the public gallery and yelled: “Better in than out” and “God bless the European single market”

Mr Dell will not be released until at least 2040, by which time, the country will be in economic ruins anyway so it doesn’t really matter.

Fears grow that LBC radio colleagues Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins may have successfully bred

Farage & Hopkins gates of Mordor

There was growing concern last night, that, former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, and controversial right-wing media personality, Katie Hopkins, are expecting the birth of a child.

The extreme right-wing pair are currently colleagues at LBC radio station where they both host phone-in shows, popular with people with fascist leanings and low IQs.

An LBC insider has revealed that the pair often spend off-air time together and that they were once seen slipping into a janitor’s cupboard in the corridor outside their studio.

“They’re very close and can often be seen giggling over neo-nazi magazines together in the canteen,” the insider told us.

“I saw them go into a broom cupboard once, and when they came out, Nigel was really red in the face and Katie’s lipstick was smudged and she was tugging the hem of her skirt down. It was pretty obvious what they’d been up to.”

A leading anthropologist told us last night that any progeny the pair produced would, in all probability, be: “short in stature with a weak chin, bulging, frog-like eyes, a hooked or pointy nose, disproportionately big feet and would probably walk with a hunched or stooping gait.

“When the child reaches maturity and has formed an intellect of sorts it will probably have the appearance and personality of a particularly unpleasant-looking fascist Orc” he concluded.

Both parties denied any romantic link and issued a statement last night: “We categorically deny any impropriety and wish to make it clear that we are just good fiends” (sic)

National outpouring of grief following Katie Hopkins “I’ve never felt better” revelation.

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from our odious bitch queen correspondent, Danny SoZ.

There was a nationwide outpouring of grief last night after controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins, announced on her radio phone-in show that she is hale and hearty and has “never felt better”

Hopkins, notorious for her far right views and for her frequent outbursts on immigration and for her crass condemnation of people of colour in general, dropped the health bombshell during her 10.00 am show on LBC yesterday.

Following a ranting tirade against striking junior doctors, during which she called for armed police to open fire on hospital picket lines, Hopkins alluded to her own battle against epilepsy and her recent brain surgery.

“Naturally, I’m quite grateful to the National Health Service for taking good care of me during my recent stay in hospital.

“However, I still maintain my position, that should any of my surgical team take industrial action against the imposition of unfair working conditions, they should be gunned down by the police like dogs.

“Fortunately, I doubt I will be requiring their services any further as I have never felt better”

Shortly after her announcement, people across Britain took to the internet in their millions, pouring out their grief at the news that she is unlikely to die at some point in the near future.

One woman we spoke to was almost beside herself and wept bitterly as she told us: “To lose so many celebrities this year and to then discover that Katie Hopkins doesn’t have an incurable terminal illness is just too much to bear.

“My whole family and all my friends are so shocked by this horrible turn of events. I’m absolutely numb, to be honest with you”

There was some rather more heartening news last night, however, when the far right, former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, announced that he’d banged his head on a low beam in his local pub on Boxing Day resulting in a deep gash that required 12 stitches.

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