The Whitechapel Whelk

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nigel farage

National outpouring of grief following Katie Hopkins “I’ve never felt better” revelation.


from our odious bitch queen correspondent, Danny SoZ.

There was a nationwide outpouring of grief last night after controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins, announced on her radio phone-in show that she is hale and hearty and has “never felt better”

Hopkins, notorious for her far right views and for her frequent outbursts on immigration and for her crass condemnation of people of colour in general, dropped the health bombshell during her 10.00 am show on LBC yesterday.

Following a ranting tirade against striking junior doctors, during which she called for armed police to open fire on hospital picket lines, Hopkins alluded to her own battle against epilepsy and her recent brain surgery.

“Naturally, I’m quite grateful to the National Health Service for taking good care of me during my recent stay in hospital.

“However, I still maintain my position, that should any of my surgical team take industrial action against the imposition of unfair working conditions, they should be gunned down by the police like dogs.

“Fortunately, I doubt I will be requiring their services any further as I have never felt better”

Shortly after her announcement, people across Britain took to the internet in their millions, pouring out their grief at the news that she is unlikely to die at some point in the near future.

One woman we spoke to was almost beside herself and wept bitterly as she told us: “To lose so many celebrities this year and to then discover that Katie Hopkins doesn’t have an incurable terminal illness is just too much to bear.

“My whole family and all my friends are so shocked by this horrible turn of events. I’m absolutely numb, to be honest with you”

There was some rather more heartening news last night, however, when the far right, former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, announced that he’d banged his head on a low beam in his local pub on Boxing Day resulting in a deep gash that required 12 stitches.

Nigel Farage secures job as White House shoe shine boy


Interim UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, was jubilant last night as he told reporters that his meeting on Saturday with President-elect, Donald Trump, has led to his being offered a temporary position as White House shoe shine boy.

A beaming Farage said: “This is a momentous day for myself and my family.

“President Trump – I don’t bother with the elect bit – has offered me a position as the official shoe shine boy at The White House on a probationary basis for three months, with the job becoming permanent if I show a willing attitude and display sufficient gratitude.

“I’m hoping, that if I show plenty of initiative and go about my daily shoe shining with a cheery demeanour, I may one day move up to being a washroom attendant or even Mr Trump’s personal valet.

“He was so kind during our two-minute meeting. It was like being in the friendly presence of a big old silverback gorilla

“However, any talk of advancement is looking way into the future. At the moment I’m just delighted to have the chance to kneel down with my brushes and tin of Kiwi in front of the likes of Newt Gingrich and Rudi Giuliani and buff their shoes to a high shine.

“Wait till the likes of losers like Nick Clegg and Corbyn get to hear about this. They’ll be spitting nails with sheer envy.”

A White House spokesman confirmed Farage’s claim last night “President-elect, Trump last night gave some no-account, lickspittle limey, a temporary job as White House shoe shine boy.

“Along with his shoe shining duties, he will be required to put on black face, and perform sex acts on visiting dignitaries when ordered. He has been made aware of this and seems to be perfectly happy with the arrangement”

Farage will be flying back to the UK this morning and has told friends he is looking forward to ordering brushes, polish and shoe-reconditioner from the Argos catalogue as soon as he gets home.

20,000 Syrian Refugees to be Housed on Olly Murs’s Big Face

olly meme
Murs pictured in determined mood last night


British pop icon, Olly Murs, announced last night that he will house 20,000 Syrian refugees from the besieged town of Aleppo on his enormous face over the next 6 months. It is believed that they will be offered temporary accommodation on various parts of Murs’s face, with the majority being housed on his gigantic, spam forehead.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night, but his mother, Enid, 97, told reporters: “Olly has always had a strong social conscience, so when he read about the plight of these poor souls he immediately offered to use his absolutely massive dial to give some of them a safe haven until they can find somewhere more permanent. His father and I are so proud of him. We both knew that his gigantic fizog would come in handy one day”

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement by BBC London FM presenter, Vanessa Feltz, that she is having a 10,000-bed temporary hospital for Yemeni refugees built on one of the cheeks of her enormous arse.

In other news, the temporary, stand-in leader of the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, has announced that he’ll be staging a 5000 strong “Send Them All Back” rally at the southern port of Dover inside his great big mouth.

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