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We apologise for the lack of a TV guide with today’s issue. We are fairly certain the dog ate it or something along those lines – Ed

Subbuteo World Cup to be staged on Olly Murs’ big face

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In a surprise move, table soccer giants, Subbuteo, have announced that their 2021 World Cup tournament will be staged on the big face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We have concluded preliminary talks with Olly and he has agreed to have the tournament on his huge face in June and July of next year.

“32 nations will be taking part with three matches per day in the opening rounds all being played simultaneously on various parts of his enormous dial.

“The final will be held on his gigantic forehead on the afternoon of July 22nd with the 3rd and 4th place playoff taking place on his chin in the morning”

Murs appeared delighted with the move last night. The Dance With Me star told reporters: “I’ve always been a massive Subbuteo fan so to have the tournament staged on my big face is such an honour.

“I’ve been practising at home over the last few weeks with a few friends, who lay out the pitch on my face and then play matches using hands on springs to flick the players to stay within the social distancing guidelines.

“I can’t wait to get laid down on that floor and for the opening match to kick-off on the bit between my nose and upper lip on June 4th”

This news comes just two weeks after Subbuteo Table Cricket announced that their One-Day World Cup tournament will be held next November in the West Indies on the cheeks of roly-poly TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes’ massive arse.

Fury as NHS spends £20,000 on mask for Olly Murs’s big face

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There has been widespread criticism of the government’s decision to allow the National Health Service to spend 20,000 pounds on a protective mask for big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs.

The mask, which will be over 100 metres wide to accommodate the star’s enormous head width, is currently being manufactured at a bed sheet factory in Silvertown in East London.

Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, having tested positive for covid 19 himself, told newsmen: “While the government realises that it is a large outlay for one individual it has to be recognised that Olly Murs is still a human being and as such he has the right to protection no matter how big his face is.”

Murs himself seemed delighted with the move last night. Speaking to reporters via a Skype link, the Dance With Me star said, “It’s great news that I’ll be getting a mask for my massive face.

“People have had a go about the expense but what they have to understand is that due to the surface area of my big face I’m far more susceptible to germs landing on it and giving me the lurgy”

In other related news, roly-poly breakfast show host, Eamonn Holmes, has also drawn criticism after asking ITV bosses for a huge pair of surgical scrubs to accommodate his massive gut and gargantuan arse.

I’ll build bridge between Scotland and Ireland using Olly Murs’ big face says Boris

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In a surprise move, prime minister, Boris Johnson, last night announced that the proposed, controversial road and rail link between Scotland and Northern Ireland will open in just 6 months by using the huge face of pop icon Olly Murs to create a floating causeway between the two countries.

Speaking at a CBI dinner at The Guildhall in London, Johnson told businessmen: “A viable link between the two countries has long been an ambition of mine and something that would benefit the whole of the UK

“However, I’ve been told that there are a number of reasons why a project of this magnitude would present logistical problems.

“Not least the stormy seas in the area and the fact that over a million and a half tonnes of explosives were dumped there at the end of the last war.

“Therefore, to eradicate these difficulties, I have approached Olly Murs and have asked him if he would step into the breach, so to speak.

“He has kindly agreed to lie on his back between the two countries on a floating pontoon so that his enormous face can be used as the foundation for a road and rail link between Campbelltown in Scotland and the coast of County Antrim.

“Olly will be towed into position early next week where construction on a 4-lane motorway and a high-speed rail link will begin, with a view to completion around the end of August”.

The Dance With Me star appeared delighted when he spoke to newsmen last night: “Having my big face used to enhance Britain’s infrastructure is a tremendous honour and I can’t wait to get on that platform and be towed into position.

“The Prime Minister has told me that the motorway will be built across my enormous spam forehead, while the rail link will be routed across the middle of my face with a tunnel running through my nose.

“This will be achieved using hi-tec excavating equipment, although Mr Johnson has told me that some blasting using high explosives may be necessary to get through the tough cartilage that separates one nostril from the other.”

This project would be the first time that the face of a British pop star has been used in a major civil engineering project, although, in the United States in 1997, a six-lane freeway was constructed from Pensylvania to Alabama across the cheeks of Luther Vandross’s enormous arse.

BREAKING: Amazon rain forest to be replanted on Olly Murs’ big face

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The fire-ravaged Amazon rain forest is to be replanted on the enormous face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, it was announced last night.

A spokesman for the Brazilian government told a news conference in the capital, Brazilia: “We’ve decided to leave the present rain forest to burn and plant a new one on Olly Murs’s big face.

“We’ve spoken to Olly and he’s agreed to lie down alongside the old rain forest while a team of tree-planters move in and plant millions of saplings on his face.

“We estimate that by 2040, we’ll have at least three million square kilometres of new trees on his massive forehead with another two million or so on his chin.

“We’re going to leave the area around his eyebrows and that bit under his nose so that monkeys don’t cause him discomfort by having a shit in his eyes and mouth”

If successful, this project will rank as the most ambitious ecological rescue act since The Great Barrier Reef was protected from further pollution damage in 2012 by being completely covered with a pair of Simon Cowell’s gigantic, high-waisted trousers.

Olly Murs denies fathering big-faced Prince George of Cambridge

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Murs pictured in combative mood last night

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, last night furiously scotched rumours that he is the father of Prince George of Cambridge after a number of royal watchers remarked on the similarity between the singer and the massively-faced royal tot.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter from his home in Surrey, a clearly upset Murs said: “There’s no way I’m Prince George’s dad.

“I accept that he has a huge face like mine, but that doesn’t mean I’ve slept with Kate Middleton.

“I’ve only met the Duchess once when she came backstage after a gig, and although there was definitely a spark between us, I didn’t take the opportunity to give her one.

“Anyway, loads of kids of that age have big faces.

“Just look at Jacob Rees-Mogg’s youngest boy.

Even though his dad’s a rat-faced, skinny sod, the kid’s dial looks like it’s been run over by a steamroller”

A spokesman for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge said last night: “There’s no way Olly Murs is George’s dad and if that Jeremy Kyle Show was still on the telly Prince William would take a paternity test live on air to prove it”

Royal Family to Spend Xmas on Olly Murs’ Big Face

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Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty The Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A Palace spokesman told reporters that The Queen is fed up with spending every Christmas at Balmoral and fancied a change.

“Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she will be spending Christmas on Olly Murs’s big face and will remain there until January 2 when she will return to Windsor Castle to recover from the drink for a day or two”

It is understood that the Queen and Prince Philip will be spending the nights on Murs’s gigantic forehead, while William and Kate will be given a small suite of rooms on his massive chin.

Harry and Meghan will be spending much of the festive period up his massive nose, although, due to their famously raucous lovemaking, The Queen has stipulated that they sleep in separate nostrils and that Murs must put wads of cotton wool up his nose at night in case Harry tries to sneak into Meghan’s nostril to give her a noisy scuttling while everyone’s sleeping off the grog.

It is also understood that strict security will be in place in case Fergie tries to sneak onto Murs’s face uninvited.

This move will constitute the biggest departure from royal festive tradition since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, along with 700 invited guests, saw in the New Year on the cheeks of Kaiser Wilhelm’s gigantic arse.

I’ll stop bodies falling from aircraft over Britain with my big face says Olly Murs

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Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.

Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’

Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.

“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.

“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”

In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.

Gibraltar to be rebuilt on Olly Murs’ big face in the event of a disorderly Brexit

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The island of Gibraltar will be abandoned to the Spanish and rebuilt on the big face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, in the event of a no-deal Brexit, it has been revealed.

A Foreign Ofice spokesman told newsmen last night: “If we leave the EU without a deal on the 29th of March, the government will give up Gibraltar to the Spanish and rebuild the territory in its entirety on Olly Murs’ big face.

“The capital, Gibraltar, will be constructed on his enormous forehead, while the other small towns will be dotted around other parts of his massive face.

“Olly will then be towed out to sea by tugs before being anchored somewhere in the English Channel where we can keep an eye on him and where sovereignty won’t be an issue”

“The population of 35,000 will then be shipped out to his face to begin a new life”

Murs himself was unavailable for comment as he is in rehearsal for a series of concerts in various northern holiday resorts, but his mother, Beryl, 97, said last night: “Olly is absolutely delighted and is really looking forward to a small British territory being set up on his gigantic dial.

“He’s made his father and me very proud, I don’t mind telling you”

The government last night denied growing rumours that Murs had objected to Gibraltar’s famous monkey population being moved onto his face on the grounds that they might go up his nose and swing on the hairs

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