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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Olly Murs

Ten thousand Afghan refugees to be housed on Olly Murs’ big face

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In a surprise announcement last night, the Foreign and Colonial Office has confirmed that up to ten thousand Afghans, fleeing the Taliban, will be offered temporary housing on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs, after arriving in this country.

A government spokesperson told newsmen: “The government are determined to rescue as many British nationals as possible along with Afghans who have put their own safety at risk to help our troops during the last twenty years.

“We have therefore decided to build a number of temporary homes on Olly Murs’ big face with a view to housing up to ten thousand refugees until more permanent residences can be offered further down the line.

“It is the government’s aim to house five thousand on his massive spam forehead with the rest being located on other parts of his gigantic dial, including his nostrils and ears, where elderly and vulnerable people will be able to shelter from the more extreme weather over the coming months.”

The Dance With Me star was unable to comment last night as he’s currently on tour on the Isle Of Wight, but his mother, Marjory, 98, told newsmen: “I spoke to Olly last night and he’s more than happy to house these poor people on his massive clock and is looking forward to getting home and lying down in his back garden so that the builders can get cracking.”

Murs’ selfless actions were greeted enthusiastically last night, in particular by roly-poly TV host, Eamon Holmes, who, in 1972, housed over two thousand Ugandan Asians, fleeing the murderous despot, Idi Amin, on one of the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.

BREAKING: I’ll shift Suez Canal vessel using my big face, vows Olly Murs

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Face Off. Olly and friend pictured with Whelk sub-editor, Danny Soz last night. Pic by Inchcock.

Marine engineers struggling to free the stricken cargo vessel, The Ever Given from it’s wedged position across the Suez Canal, breathed a huge sigh of relief last night as British pop icon, Olly Murs, pledged to free the ocean-going leviathan, which weighs in excess of 200,000 tonnes, using his gigantic face.

Murs flew to Egypt last night from where he told newsmen: “I intend to use my massive dial to displace water in the canal by dipping it into the stretch of water just behind the ship, causing the level to rise extremely quickly. It’s the Archimedes principle but with my face in the canal instead of his arse in the tub.

“I’m convinced that the huge displacement caused by my enormous face will cause the Ever Given to rise upwards, forcing the stern and the bow free which will give the tugs and the heavy equipment on the bank the opportunity to haul her around until she’s facing the right direction.”

The Egyptian president, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, was full of praise for the Dance With Me star last night,

“My country has been losing over twenty million pounds a day in lost revenue, so Olly’s intervention has been a massive boost and a real Godsend.

“The sooner he gets his enormous, moon face into that water the better as far as I’m concerned”

If successful, this will be the biggest marine rescue operation since pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, used his gigantic, high-waisted trousers to haul a stricken, Russian nuclear submarine from the bottom of The Bering Strait in 1997.

I won’t let Trump build new golf course on my big face, vows Olly Murs

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Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, last night rebuffed a move by disgraced former US President, Donald Trump, to build a links-style, eighteen-hole golf course on his gigantic face.

During an exclusive Whelk interview, Murs, 85, told us: “I’ve allowed my big face to be used for a number of projects down the years, from a film set for a movie about the moon landings to a refugee camp for thirty thousand fleeing victims of the war in Syria. However, I draw the line at allowing Trump to build a golf course on my massive dial for him and his odious Republican cronies.

“Can you imagine the horror of having Rudy Giuliani teeing off close to one of my eyes and catching a glimpse of his cock and balls up his trouser leg?

“Even if I did allow the project to go ahead, what are the chances of getting paid?

“The guy’s a notorious crook with a long history of reneging on his debts, and in any case, he’ll be in jail before the end of the year”

It is now believed that a request has been submitted to roly-poly morning TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, to build the course on the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.

Mr Murs requested that his fee for this interview be donated to the Variety Club of Great Britain children’s charity but we’re going to keep it and spend it on drink and pussy – Ed

Trump in bid to set up ‘New America’ on Olly Murs’ big face

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It is being widely reported that defeated US President, Donald Trump, is making plans to set up an election-free alternative America on the enormous face of Brit pop idol Olly Murs.

The leaked plan involves building a new White House, complete with golf course, on the northern reaches of Murs’ face, probably on his forehead which is estimated to consist of over thirty thousand square miles of largely undeveloped skin.

The middle part around the cheeks and nose will be predominantly industrial, with a largely blue-collar population, plus a Mexican contingent who will cut their lawns and take care of their children while they’re at work in the factories.

The upper lip and chin area will be turned into a new Deep South, where white people with appalling dental hygiene will have sex with their mums and dads while black people will pick cotton and compose Negro spirituals which the men will sing around the campfire at night while the womenfolk rub raw cane spirit into their whip injuries.

We contacted Murs last night who told us: “You must be joking. I’m not having that mad orange twat and his fascist mates setting up a dictatorship on my big face.

“In any case, Jeremy Corbyn has already moved two thousand of his loyalist supporters onto my forehead with a view to building a new Socialist Utopia where the workers can live free from the yoke of the capitalist hyenas without fear of exploitation by the boss classes or recrimination from the media when they’re having a go at the Jews”

More as we get it.

JUST IN

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We apologise for the lack of a TV guide with today’s issue. We are fairly certain the dog ate it or something along those lines – Ed

Subbuteo World Cup to be staged on Olly Murs’ big face

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In a surprise move, table soccer giants, Subbuteo, have announced that their 2021 World Cup tournament will be staged on the big face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We have concluded preliminary talks with Olly and he has agreed to have the tournament on his huge face in June and July of next year.

“32 nations will be taking part with three matches per day in the opening rounds all being played simultaneously on various parts of his enormous dial.

“The final will be held on his gigantic forehead on the afternoon of July 22nd with the 3rd and 4th place playoff taking place on his chin in the morning”

Murs appeared delighted with the move last night. The Dance With Me star told reporters: “I’ve always been a massive Subbuteo fan so to have the tournament staged on my big face is such an honour.

“I’ve been practising at home over the last few weeks with a few friends, who lay out the pitch on my face and then play matches using hands on springs to flick the players to stay within the social distancing guidelines.

“I can’t wait to get laid down on that floor and for the opening match to kick-off on the bit between my nose and upper lip on June 4th”

This news comes just two weeks after Subbuteo Table Cricket announced that their One-Day World Cup tournament will be held next November in the West Indies on the cheeks of roly-poly TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes’ massive arse.

Fury as NHS spends £20,000 on mask for Olly Murs’s big face

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There has been widespread criticism of the government’s decision to allow the National Health Service to spend 20,000 pounds on a protective mask for big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs.

The mask, which will be over 100 metres wide to accommodate the star’s enormous head width, is currently being manufactured at a bed sheet factory in Silvertown in East London.

Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, having tested positive for covid 19 himself, told newsmen: “While the government realises that it is a large outlay for one individual it has to be recognised that Olly Murs is still a human being and as such he has the right to protection no matter how big his face is.”

Murs himself seemed delighted with the move last night. Speaking to reporters via a Skype link, the Dance With Me star said, “It’s great news that I’ll be getting a mask for my massive face.

“People have had a go about the expense but what they have to understand is that due to the surface area of my big face I’m far more susceptible to germs landing on it and giving me the lurgy”

In other related news, roly-poly breakfast show host, Eamonn Holmes, has also drawn criticism after asking ITV bosses for a huge pair of surgical scrubs to accommodate his massive gut and gargantuan arse.

I’ll build bridge between Scotland and Ireland using Olly Murs’ big face says Boris

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In a surprise move, prime minister, Boris Johnson, last night announced that the proposed, controversial road and rail link between Scotland and Northern Ireland will open in just 6 months by using the huge face of pop icon Olly Murs to create a floating causeway between the two countries.

Speaking at a CBI dinner at The Guildhall in London, Johnson told businessmen: “A viable link between the two countries has long been an ambition of mine and something that would benefit the whole of the UK

“However, I’ve been told that there are a number of reasons why a project of this magnitude would present logistical problems.

“Not least the stormy seas in the area and the fact that over a million and a half tonnes of explosives were dumped there at the end of the last war.

“Therefore, to eradicate these difficulties, I have approached Olly Murs and have asked him if he would step into the breach, so to speak.

“He has kindly agreed to lie on his back between the two countries on a floating pontoon so that his enormous face can be used as the foundation for a road and rail link between Campbelltown in Scotland and the coast of County Antrim.

“Olly will be towed into position early next week where construction on a 4-lane motorway and a high-speed rail link will begin, with a view to completion around the end of August”.

The Dance With Me star appeared delighted when he spoke to newsmen last night: “Having my big face used to enhance Britain’s infrastructure is a tremendous honour and I can’t wait to get on that platform and be towed into position.

“The Prime Minister has told me that the motorway will be built across my enormous spam forehead, while the rail link will be routed across the middle of my face with a tunnel running through my nose.

“This will be achieved using hi-tec excavating equipment, although Mr Johnson has told me that some blasting using high explosives may be necessary to get through the tough cartilage that separates one nostril from the other.”

This project would be the first time that the face of a British pop star has been used in a major civil engineering project, although, in the United States in 1997, a six-lane freeway was constructed from Pensylvania to Alabama across the cheeks of Luther Vandross’s enormous arse.

BREAKING: Amazon rain forest to be replanted on Olly Murs’ big face

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The fire-ravaged Amazon rain forest is to be replanted on the enormous face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, it was announced last night.

A spokesman for the Brazilian government told a news conference in the capital, Brazilia: “We’ve decided to leave the present rain forest to burn and plant a new one on Olly Murs’s big face.

“We’ve spoken to Olly and he’s agreed to lie down alongside the old rain forest while a team of tree-planters move in and plant millions of saplings on his face.

“We estimate that by 2040, we’ll have at least three million square kilometres of new trees on his massive forehead with another two million or so on his chin.

“We’re going to leave the area around his eyebrows and that bit under his nose so that monkeys don’t cause him discomfort by having a shit in his eyes and mouth”

If successful, this project will rank as the most ambitious ecological rescue act since The Great Barrier Reef was protected from further pollution damage in 2012 by being completely covered with a pair of Simon Cowell’s gigantic, high-waisted trousers.

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