Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Tag

Olly Murs

Royal Family to Spend Xmas on Olly Murs’ Big Face

olly meme

Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty The Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A Palace spokesman told reporters that The Queen is fed up with spending every Christmas at Balmoral and fancied a change.

“Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she will be spending Christmas on Olly Murs’s big face and will remain there until January 2 when she will return to Windsor Castle to recover from the drink for a day or two”

It is understood that the Queen and Prince Philip will be spending the nights on Murs’s gigantic forehead, while William and Kate will be given a small suite of rooms on his massive chin.

Harry and Meghan will be spending much of the festive period up his massive nose, although, due to their famously raucous lovemaking, The Queen has stipulated that they sleep in separate nostrils and that Murs must put wads of cotton wool up his nose at night in case Harry tries to sneak into Meghan’s nostril to give her a noisy scuttling while everyone’s sleeping off the grog.

It is also understood that strict security will be in place in case Fergie tries to sneak onto Murs’s face uninvited.

This move will constitute the biggest departure from royal festive tradition since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, along with 700 invited guests, saw in the New Year on the cheeks of Kaiser Wilhelm’s gigantic arse.

I’ll stop bodies falling from aircraft over Britain with my big face says Olly Murs

olly meme

Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.

Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’

Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.

“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.

“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”

In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.

Gibraltar to be rebuilt on Olly Murs’ big face in the event of a disorderly Brexit

olly meme

The island of Gibraltar will be abandoned to the Spanish and rebuilt on the big face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, in the event of a no-deal Brexit, it has been revealed.

A Foreign Ofice spokesman told newsmen last night: “If we leave the EU without a deal on the 29th of March, the government will give up Gibraltar to the Spanish and rebuild the territory in its entirety on Olly Murs’ big face.

“The capital, Gibraltar, will be constructed on his enormous forehead, while the other small towns will be dotted around other parts of his massive face.

“Olly will then be towed out to sea by tugs before being anchored somewhere in the English Channel where we can keep an eye on him and where sovereignty won’t be an issue”

“The population of 35,000 will then be shipped out to his face to begin a new life”

Murs himself was unavailable for comment as he is in rehearsal for a series of concerts in various northern holiday resorts, but his mother, Beryl, 97, said last night: “Olly is absolutely delighted and is really looking forward to a small British territory being set up on his gigantic dial.

“He’s made his father and me very proud, I don’t mind telling you”

The government last night denied growing rumours that Murs had objected to Gibraltar’s famous monkey population being moved onto his face on the grounds that they might go up his nose and swing on the hairs

BREXIT UPDATE: Olly Murs: I’ll use my big face to create a hard Irish border

olly meme

 

Pop icon, Olly Murs, yesterday dropped the political bombshell that he’s prepared to use his big face to create a permanent hard border between Northern Ireland and Eire in the event that a ‘no deal’ situation exists post-Brexit.

Murs, whose face measures 510 kilometres from ear to ear, told newsmen: “I’ve always been a staunch leave voter and if we crash out of the negotiations with nothing whatsoever on the table then that’s absolutely fine with me.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg assures us that we have nothing to fear by adopting WTO rules and I have every confidence in him. After all, didn’t he attend Harrow or one of those other posh schools?

The Dance With Me star went on: “If there’s no deal, I will happily block off Northern Ireland from the Republic with my enormous face and remain there until Mr Mogg and the other Brexiteer hardliners come up with something else”

Rees-Mogg welcomed Murs’ initiative last night: “It’s a wonderful gesture from Mr Murs and one that I fully endorse. His massive face could prove invaluable should the EU mafia refuse to see sense. And then there is, of course, the added bonus of him being able to use his gigantic eyes to spot any blacks or illegals trying to sneak in to sponge off the state and steal our jobs”

Ironically, Murs will be following in the footsteps of his great-grandfather, Michael, whose enormous face was used by Adolf Hitler to annexe The Sudentland in 1938.

Olly Murs is managing editor of The Big-Faced Bastard Bugle

I’ll protect vulnerable Scots from Sun’s rays with my big face says, Olly Murs

olly meme

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, has vowed to shield the fair-skinned people of Scotland from harmful UVA rays during the current heatwave by blocking out the sun with his massive dial.

Murs told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “If I can prevent one single Scotch person from getting sunburned by using my gigantic face, then my life will not have been in vain.”

The Dance With Me star plans to stand on a hill close to Hadrians Wall and blot out the Sun between the hours of 11.00 and 16.00 when the rays are at their most harmful.

It is believed that over 30,000 millilitres of sun cream will be applied to Murs’ gargantuan face by a team of over 50 makeup artists before he takes up his position at 11.00am today.

If you have fair skin like a Scotch person and are concerned about exposure to harmful UVA rays then stay indoors, you bloody idiot – Ed

I’ll prevent World War III by deflecting US missiles with my big face says defiant Olly Murs

olly meme

Pop icon, Olly Murs, roared out a defiant message to the Trump presidency last night as he vowed to avert the threat of a third world war by using his gigantic face to block any American missiles fired at targets in Syria in reprisal for the rogue state’s chemical weapons attack on the rebel-held enclave of Douma last week.

Murs told reporters: “I’ve no time for President Assad or his Russian backers in this war on his own people but at the same time I can’t run the risk of a third world war breaking out against the Russkies so I’ve decided to use my massive face to shield Syria from any American or British missile strikes.

“Basically, I’m going to stand on the beach in Syria and jump up and block any missiles that I see heading inland with my big face.

“It’ll be a bit like going up for a header in one of those charity footie matches I play in with Robbie Williams”

Syrian President, Bashar al-Assad expressed his gratitude to the Dance With Me star last night: “It’s brilliant news that Olly will be using his huge dial to block any American missiles heading our way.

“I’ve never been a big fan in the past, but now, both myself and Mr Putin will be asking our respective citizens to go out and buy one of his albums. On pain of death”

In other news, showbiz entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has offered to catch any Russian missiles heading to England in a pair of his ridiculous, enormous high-waisted, trousers.

Whelk Showbiz Exclusive: I use 12 cans of Gillette Foamy to shave my big face claims Olly Murs

olly meme

Pop icon, Olly Murs, has told The Whelk that he uses 12 cans of shaving foam every morning and gets through over 20 disposable razors during a single shave of his big face.

The Dance With Me star told The Whelk’s showbiz editor, Sofia Dee: “Having a gigantic face is great most of the time but there are some drawbacks, like shaving in the morning.

“I routinely get through about a dozen cans of Gillette Foamy and countless razor blades. It’s time-consuming too. Quite often, I’ll finish shaving and rinse off the remnants of foam only to find that my moustache has grown back while I was doing the bits under my huge chin and I have to start again.

“I’ve tried growing a beard but a number of wild animals moved into it, mistaking my massive face for the Amazonian jungle.

“On the bright side, Brut aftershave have given me a 20 quid voucher as a thank you for using 2 imperial pints of their product every morning”

Murs is currently in California where 500 temporary homes have been built on his gargantuan face to provide shelter for victims of the recent devastating mudslides.

Fury as Olly Murs refuses to cap Bali volcano with his big face

olly meme

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, was under attack last night after refusing to use his enormous dial to cap the active volcano in Bali, where the Indonesian authorities have warned that an eruption is “imminent” and that widespread destruction and loss of life could result.

Murs, came under fire last Friday for what was seen in many quarters as his cowardly and foolish reaction to a bogus ‘terrorist incident’ in London’s Oxford Street when he barricaded himself in a storeroom and issued a number of hysterical tweets to his 9 million followers about hearing gunshots and telling people to run out into the street, in direct contradiction of the securities forces’ advice at the time.

Murs was unavailable for comment last night as he is reportedly still refusing to leave the storeroom until his mum comes to collect him, but his agent told us: “Olly is obviously very concerned about the fate that awaits the people of Bali should the volcano erupt, but he feels unable to fly there and use his massive face to cap the crater until his mum has picked him up from Selfridges and he’s had a day or two with his comfort ‘Blanky’ to recover.

Emergency services in Indonesia have now contacted, roly-poly, BBC Radio London breakfast show host, Vanesa Feltz, and asked her to cap the crater with her gigantic arse.

Royal Family to spend Xmas on Olly Murs’s big face say Palace.

 

olly meme
By royal appointment. Murs shows his delight at the news that The Queen will be spending Xmas on his face

 

Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty The Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A Palace spokesman told reporters that The Queen is fed up with spending every Christmas at Balmoral and fancied a change.

“Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she will be spending Christmas on Olly Murs’s big face and will remain there until January 2 when she will return to Windsor Castle to recover from the drink for a day or two”

It is understood that The Queen and Prince Philip will be spending the nights on Murs’s gigantic forehead, while William and Kate will be given a small suite of rooms on his massive chin.

Harry and his American sweetheart, Meghan Markle will be spending much of the festive period up his massive nose, although The Queen has stipulated that they sleep in separate nostrils and that Murs has to put wads of cotton wool up his nose at night in case Harry tries to sneak into Meghan’s nostril to give her a scuttling while everyone’s sleeping off the grog.

It is also understood that strict security will be in place in case Fergie tries to sneak onto Murs’s face uninvited.

This move will constitute the biggest departure from royal festive tradition since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, along with 700 invited guests, saw in the New Year on the cheeks of Kaiser Wilhelm’s gigantic arse.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑