UPDATE: The President has now been discharged from hospital following treatment for abrasions and exhaustion. A hospital spokesperson said last night: “What a weapons-grade throbber. Can you believe we elected this bozo because I sure as hell can’t” – Associated Press
A 25-year-old Whitechapel woman whose husband is a model for theDeidre’s Photo Casebook, agony column in The Sun newspaper, has taken the paper to court, blaming them for her husband’s insistence on them both wearing their underpants during lovemaking sessions.
Mrs Tracy Dell, a local government worker, blames the newspaper for being the cause of her husband, Toby’s fetish and the reason why the couple are childless, despite their having tried for a baby throughout their 4-year marriage.
Mrs Dell wept repeatedly as she told us: “I can’t go on like this. I feel as if I’ve reached the end of my tether.
“Before we were married and he got the job with The Sun we had a perfectly normal loving relationship.
“Then, he began coming home after a Dear Deidre photo shoot insisting that we wear our underwear in bed during lovemaking.
“He always wanted to do it on top of the bedclothes and we were never allowed to move. He would just hover above me with a look of intense pleasure on his face while I had to put one hand on the side of his face and have the one other thrown back on the pillow.
“We would then have to remain motionless for a minute or two before he’d just roll off and go to sleep.
“I’m desperate for a baby but I can’t really see it happening at this rate. I’ve tried explaining to him that we should take our pants off first. I’ve even offered to keep my bra on, but he just won’t listen”
Mrs Dell and her husband entered the court building hand-in-hand yesterday. She was smartly dressed in racy red stockings and suspenders with a matching bra, while he was wearing a pair of buttock-hugging black, Y-Front Jockey briefs.
The world of archeology was in a state of high excitement last night after a pair of stone pants, believed to have been worn by the Roman Emperor, Tiberius, were discovered by a Whitechapel man underneath the remains of his demolished garden shed.
Toby Dell, 78, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I’d just finished pulling down my old shed to replace it with a new one when I spotted these stone pants underneath some broken floorboards. I realised at once they could be Ancient Roman because of the writing. I showed them to my missus and she confirmed that they were. It was her that told me they once belonged to the Emperor Tiberius in 14 AD.
“We’ve now handed them over to The British Museum, who are going to run some DNA tests on any skids or piss stains they find to confirm their authenticity. If they’re genuine, they’ve promised to give us a nice drink for our trouble”
This find mirrors a similar discovery in 1968, when a Whitechapel foundry worker discovered the bronze knickers of the warrior queen of The Iceni, Boadicea, stuffed behind the cistern in his outside toilet.
A Whitechapel woman has been vilified by friends and neighbours after it was revealed that her 9-year-old son was refused treatment by paramedics, following a road traffic accident, when it was discovered the boy was wearing “shoddy and faded” underpants.
A spokesman for The Royal London Hospital, whose paramedics attended the scene, told The Whelk: “It’s every decent mother’s duty to ensure that her child is wearing freshly laundered and fairly new pants when they leave home in case there is an incident of this nature, so I don’t blame the crew for leaving the child to bleed out in the middle of the road one bit. My mum used to check my pants every time I left the house, and if necessary, she would make me put on clean or brand new ones”
Mrs. Mary Dell, 27, of Plaistow Gardens, Whitechapel E1, Tel: 0776456212, who asked to remain anonymous, wept as she told our transport correspondent, “This is absolutely typical of my luck. I normally always ensure he’s got a nice clean pair of pants on in case he gets run over, and then this happens. I’ll never be able to hold my head up in the bingo hall again.”
Last night the child was said to be in a critical but stable condition at the roadside.