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The Whitechapel Whelk

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pants

Many women feared dead following stampede as Tom Hardy opens cake shop in underpants

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Up to thirty women were killed yesterday afternoon during a frenzied stampede to see the actor, Tom Hardy, opening a local specialist cake shop wearing a tight-fitting pair of briefs.

Earlier, a crowd of over a thousand women from across East London had gathered to watch the hunky star open the shop in Whitechapel Road in his pants.

However, tragedy struck when the crowd surged forward as the scantily clad actor emerged from a limousine outside the shop in a pair of black Calvin Klein briefs.

One woman who witnessed the carnage, Tracy Dell, 54 from Thrawl Street told us: “It was absolutely horrendous, to be honest.

“As soon as Tom got out of the car there was a huge surge forward and I saw many women crushed underfoot in the melee.

“I myself trampled on at least five bitches who were standing in front of me, blocking my view of Tom’s lunchbox”

This latest tragedy comes just two weeks after a hundred women died in a similar crush-related incident as hunky Aquaman star, Jason Mamoa, opened a pie and mash shop in Shadwell wearing a fireman’s uniform.

BREAKING: Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired using Lorraine Kelly’s sodden knickers

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A briefs respite. A delighted Kelly pictured last night.

There was an early Christmas present for the long-suffering residents of Hammersmith and Fulham earlier today when the council announced that the stricken Hammersmith Bridge, which has been closed to all traffic due to structural compromises since 2018, is to be restored to its former glory by shoring up the huge cracks that have appeared in the structure with over a thousand pairs of knickers discarded into the Thames by Scottish, daytime TV legend, Lorraine Kelly.

A recent dredging of the Thames at nearby Putney uncovered over a tonne of Kelly’s undergarments which she has been throwing from the bridge on a daily basis since the late 1990s rather than having to go through the process of washing them and putting them in the tumble dryer.

An enterprising civil engineer has hit upon the idea of forcing the sodden knickers into the cracks on Hammersmith Bridge before drying them off with a hairdryer until they take on the structural properties of reinforced concrete.

A delighted Kelly told newsmen last night: “This is wonderful news for the people of Hammersmith and a real boost for me to know that my worn undercrackers are being used to improve the lives of the local people who have suffered for so long, the puir wee things”

Just three years ago, a pair of outsize Y-Front Jockey underpants, donated by roly-poly TV presenter, Eamon Holmes, were used to provide a temporary road bridge across the River Severn during construction work on the supports of the existing iconic bridge structure.

BREAKING

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UPDATE: The President has now been discharged from hospital following treatment for abrasions and exhaustion. A hospital spokesperson said last night: “What a weapons-grade throbber. Can you believe we elected this bozo because I sure as hell can’t” – Associated Press

‘Dear Deidre’ wife sues The Sun over husband’s underpants fetish

 

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Undercrackers! Mr & Mrs Dell pictured after another unsatisfactory romp last night.

 

A 25-year-old Whitechapel woman whose husband is a model for the Deidre’s Photo Casebook, agony column in The Sun newspaper, has taken the paper to court, blaming them for her husband’s insistence on them both wearing their underpants during lovemaking sessions.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a local government worker, blames the newspaper for being the cause of her husband, Toby’s fetish and the reason why the couple are childless, despite their having tried for a baby throughout their 4-year marriage.

Mrs Dell wept repeatedly as she told us: “I can’t go on like this. I feel as if I’ve reached the end of my tether.

“Before we were married and he got the job with The Sun we had a perfectly normal loving relationship.

“Then, he began coming home after a Dear Deidre photo shoot insisting that we wear our underwear in bed during lovemaking.

“He always wanted to do it on top of the bedclothes and we were never allowed to move. He would just hover above me with a look of intense pleasure on his face while I had to put one hand on the side of his face and have the one other thrown back on the pillow.

“We would then have to remain motionless for a minute or two before he’d just roll off and go to sleep.

“I’m desperate for a baby but I can’t really see it happening at this rate. I’ve tried explaining to him that we should take our pants off first. I’ve even offered to keep my bra on, but he just won’t listen”

Mrs Dell and her husband entered the court building hand-in-hand yesterday. She was smartly dressed in racy red stockings and suspenders with a matching bra, while he was wearing a pair of buttock-hugging black, Y-Front Jockey briefs.

The case continues…

Roman Pants Discovered Beneath Whitechapel Man’s Shed

 

 

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Pantimus Maximus: The stone keks of Tiberius pictured last night

 

The world of archeology was in a state of high excitement last night after a pair of stone pants, believed to have been worn by the Roman Emperor, Tiberius, were discovered by a Whitechapel man underneath the remains of his demolished garden shed.

Toby Dell, 78, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I’d just finished pulling down my old shed to replace it with a new one when I spotted these stone pants underneath some broken floorboards. I realised at once they could be Ancient Roman because of the writing. I showed them to my missus and she confirmed that they were. It was her that told me they once belonged to the Emperor Tiberius in 14 AD.

“We’ve now handed them over to The British Museum, who are going to run some DNA tests on any skids or piss stains they find to confirm their authenticity. If they’re genuine, they’ve promised to give us a nice drink for our trouble”

This find mirrors a similar discovery in 1968, when a Whitechapel foundry worker discovered the bronze knickers of the warrior queen of The Iceni, Boadicea, stuffed behind the cistern in his outside toilet.

Local Woman’s Shame After Son’s Underpants Tragedy

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A Whitechapel woman has been vilified by friends and neighbours after it was revealed that her 9-year-old son was refused treatment by paramedics, following a road traffic accident, when it was discovered the boy was wearing “shoddy and faded” underpants.

A spokesman for The Royal London Hospital, whose paramedics attended the scene, told The Whelk: “It’s every decent mother’s duty to ensure that her child is wearing freshly laundered and fairly new pants when they leave home in case there is an incident of this nature, so I don’t blame the crew for leaving the child to bleed out in the middle of the road one bit. My mum used to check my pants every time I left the house, and if necessary, she would make me put on clean or brand new ones”

Mrs. Mary Dell, 27, of Plaistow Gardens, Whitechapel E1, Tel: 0776456212, who asked to remain anonymous, wept as she told our transport correspondent, “This is absolutely typical of my luck. I normally always ensure he’s got a nice clean pair of pants on in case he gets run over, and then this happens. I’ll never be able to hold my head up in the bingo hall again.”

Last night the child was said to be in a critical but stable condition at the roadside.

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