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PC Ted Stupor

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all.

Policing a sprawling, multi-cultural city like London during a pandemic can be a tough and pretty exacting job at times.

Take last Saturday for example. Our team were deployed to Trafalgar Square where a bunch of anti-mask headbangers were staging a demo, defending their right to give their fellow human beings a killer disease by not wearing a face covering when popping into Greggs for a sausage roll.

These fruit loops were causing a major disturbance, harassing innocent members of the public and interfering with traffic flow, so we were deployed to break up the demo and restore order.

When we arrived on the scene, things immediately turned nasty and we started getting pelted with bottles and other missiles.

A decision was quickly made to steam in and feel a few collars, so the lads drew batons and started piling into these chumps a bit lively.

Fortunately, at this point I noticed that The Moon On The Mall boozer in Whitehall was open, so while the lads broke a few heads I dived in and spent the next three hours drinking heavily at the bar until I collapsed in the gents’ toilet in a pool of my own piss and sick.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of The British Chronic Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Foundation

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

 

PC Ted (New)

Evening all

Policing a diverse, sprawling city like London is often a very challenging and even hazardous business for a Met Police copper, particularly during these unprecedented times.

So when my team received a shout that a group of around fifty, anti-lockdown merchants were staging a group ‘hug-in’ in Hyde Park in direct contravention of lockdown directives we realised at once that we were going to be in for a tough time dealing with these unhinged chumps

When we arrived on the scene, a rowdy demo was already underway with banner-waving protestors shouting about 5G death rays causing covid-19 while milling around in close proximity to one another in clear breach of the social-distancing guidelines.

Realising that time was of the essence and that our beloved National Health Service was being put at risk by these clowns, we began wading in with our batons.

Taking absolutely no chances with public safety, we beat the absolute crap out of them before tossing them into the Serpentine to drown.

All-in-all, it was a highly successful operation and I celebrated on the way home after my shift by joining a lock-in at a boozer in Victoria Street with about twenty others where I drank around twelve pints of heavy before spewing my ring up over the barmaid.

I was later found sprawled in a shop doorway in a pool of sick and with my heavily-soiled trousers round my ankles by two colleagues from Ebury Street nick who took me down the cells where they hosed me down with freezing cold water and stole my wallet.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Appreciation Society

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a diverse and sprawling metropolis like London can be a highly stressful and often hazardous old game sometimes.

Take this Coronavirus business for example

Last Wednesday, the desk sergeant told the lads that we’d run out of hand gel due to the recent high demand.

One of the Rapid Response boys then told him that he knew how to make a viable alternative from rubbing alcohol, aloe vera, and Brylcreem and that he would order the ingredients later that day.

As luck would have it, we were called out to a toilet paper disturbance at a supermarket in Spitalfields just after the stuff arrived, so, while the lads were getting tooled-up in the armoury, I got stuck into the rubbing grog until I went temporarily blind and lost my reason.

Evening all

PC Ted Stupor is acting vice-chairman of the Projectile Vomiting and Chronic Bowel Incontinence Appreciation Society

PC Ted Stupor in: Legless in Brexitland

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling, multicultural city like London can be a taxing and often hazardous task as I found out to my cost last night.

At around 15.00, our sarge summoned us into the briefing room and told us that we were being assigned to police the Brexit leaving party scheduled for 19.30 in Parliament Square.

We arrived in plenty of time at around 17.00 and while my colleagues deployed around the perimeter I began searching for drink.

It was a pretty fruitless task initially as the Mayor had declared the area an alcohol-free zone to prevent the Brexiteers from getting rowdy and poking each other in the eye with their little Union Jacks on sticks.

By 20.00 my mouth was like the bottom of a baby’s pram and I was seriously thinking of abandoning my post and going for a few jars in The Albert in Victoria Street.

Then, I spotted a group of elderly revellers who had somehow managed to smuggle a crate of Wincarnis tonic wine past the cordon.

With not a moment to lose, I raced over, snatched a couple of bottles and began tucking in as if there were no tomorrow.

At just after 23.00, I celebrated Britain leaving the EU by spewing my ring up all over one old grunter’s zimmer frame and pissing in the ear of an old dear in a wheelchair while she sang the national anthem.

Evenin all.

PC Ted Stupor is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Carnage Society

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust, In Hong Kong!

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all!

Policing a great metropolis like London can be a challenging and highly stressful business at times which is why I went on holiday to Hong Kong last week.

After 7 days and nights on the grog, I found myself at Hong Kong airport waiting to check-in for my flight back to London City Airport.

Suddenly, all hell broke loose as student demonstrators armed with clubs started attacking some of the airport security cops just a few metres away.

One officer was getting really badly beaten, making me fear for his life.

I immediately felt my copper’s instincts kick in and pulled out a bottle of Brazilian pure cane spirit that I’d just bought in duty-free

Within minutes, I’d finished the entire bottle and ended up spewing my ring up all over one of the stricken cops who was lying bleeding at my feet.

Evenin’ all.

Ted Stupor is the editor-in-chief of Popular Liver Damage Monthly

PC Ted Stupor: The drink-ravaged London Bobby you can trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling and densely populated city like London can be an arduous, and sometimes, extremely perilous task.

Take last Tuesday for example

There were tens of thousands of anti- Donald Trump demonstrators marching from Trafalgar Square to Downing Street to protest the president’s state visit

At about 13.00, we received a shout that scuffles were taking place outside The Lord Moon On The Mall public house in Whitehall between protestors and a gang of pro-Trump supporters.

We arrived on the scene to be met with an ugly brawl and a number of casualties lying in the street.

Fortunately, the guvnor of the pub hadn’t closed the doors, so while my colleagues waded in with their truncheons, I went to the bar and drank steadily for 3 hours until I spewed my guts up over the barmaid.

Evenin’ all

Ted Stupor is vice chairman of The Dangerously Enlarged Liver Society

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a big city like London can be a challenging and even a hazardous job on occasion which often results in both myself and my colleagues finding ourselves in harm’s way.

Take yesterday’s pro-Brexit demo outside Parliament, where literally hundreds of people with low IQs vented their anger at the fact that Britain still hasn’t left the EU.

At around 22.00 last night we were called out to an incident involving drunken Brexiteers and a number of left-wing Remain supporters who were holding a noisy counter-demonstration in Whitehall.

We sped to the scene and immediately deployed in a line, separating the two rival groups.

Fortunately, I noticed that The Moon On The Mall pub still had its doors open, so while my colleagues deployed shields and batons in preparation for trouble, I went to the bar and necked lager and Old Bushmills until I spewed up over the barman and shat myself on the way to the gents

Evenin’ all

PC Ted appears courtesy of The Unsteady Gait & Advanced Cirrhosis Bugle

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

pc ted (new) - copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling and diverse city like London can be an extremely demanding and even perilous business at times, particularly in the present uncertain political climate.

Take yesterday for example. Following last night’s parliamentary vote on Theresa May’s Brexit deal, we were called out to a major disturbance in Parliament Square where an angry mob of Remain and Leave voters were attacking each other with knives, makeshift clubs and anything else they could lay their hands on.

My team immediately deployed to the scene where we were issued with protective vests and anti-riot gear before confronting the enraged mob.

Fortunately, I had a bottle of Old Bushmills tucked into the back of my trousers, so while the other lads moved in to tackle the crazed demonstrators, I tucked into the grog and didn’t stop until I’d pissed into my abdominal-protector and spewed my guts up inside my gas mask.

Evening all

PC Ted is the vice-chairman of the British Scrimmaging & Liver Destruction Association

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a huge and diverse city like London can be an exacting and even perilous business at times, where myself and my colleagues frequently put our own safety firmly on the line.

Take Tuesday evening as an example. My team were sent to police the Thames Walk area around London Bridge where thousands of England football fans had gathered to watch the World Cup clash against Colombia on the big screen.

My prime concern was that people would be drinking heavily, both prior to, and during the game, and that trouble could ensue as a result.

So, with this in mind, I began confiscating alcohol from people at London Bridge station on the off chance that they could be potential troublemakers.

By 7.00 pm, I had more than enough to see me through the evening and ended up being sick down the front of a woman’s dress during the penalty shootout.

Evenin’ all

PC Ted is an associate member of The Liver Damage and Projectile Vomiting Appreciation Society

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