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piers morgan

Susanna Reid to be made a saint in recognition of Piers Morgan ordeal

susanna

In what many are seeing as a surprise move, the Roman Catholic church last night announced that the Good Morning Britain tv show presenter, Susanna Reid, is to be beatified and then canonised as a saint in recognition of the suffering she has endured since 2014 when she was joined on the sofa by motor-mouthed irritant, Piers Morgan, following the retirement of show stalwart, Bill Turnbull

A spokesman for The Holy See in Rome told newsmen: “Our sister in Christ, Susanna, has suffered cruelly during her stint with Morgan, and in view of this, The Holy Father has seen fit to put her forward for sainthood in recognition of her long and psychologically painful ordeal.

“Quite how she stops herself from shooting the man in the face is beyond me, and now the church feels she deserves to be worshipped and revered for eternity in recognition of her forbearance and restraint.

“If she is accepted by The Holy See she will become, Saint Susanna of Southwark which is where the show is broadcast from”

Reid will now have to satisfy the church that she has performed a verifiable miracle in order that canonisation can take place.

It is understood that she may point to the time when Morgan had a go at climate change activist Greta Thunberg for being autistic and she restrained herself from booting him in the gonads.

Piers Morgan killed in walrus-style battle with Eamonn Holmes

walrus
Morgan pictured during happier times sunning himself on Southend beach

Controversial TV presenter and journalist, Piers Morgan, was killed earlier this morning in a bloody fight with fellow morning TV show host, Eamonn Holmes, after the two heavyweights clashed in an ITV carpark in a walrus-style fight to the death.

Holmes and Morgan were seen rearing up and smashing their upper bodies into each other, opening huge bloody wounds with their teeth and tie pins.

Witnesses said that the sickening impacts of their huge bloated bodies could be heard from surrounding offices as hundreds of workers watched the grim life or death struggle.

After a gruelling 5 -hour battle, Morgan eventually wilted and fell lifeless under a barrage of headbutts and body blows from his 400lb rival.

According to onlookers, Holmes then emitted a series of deafening roars and bellowed in triumph over the body of his fallen rival.

The blood-soaked Good Morning host then staggered across to a small group of office girls to claim his harem.

One of these was then heard to remark, ‘You must be joking, you fat turd’ before the group moved away to a nearby cake shop.

10 things you didn’t know about Harry and Meghan

 
1: Harry first encountered Meghan on Safari in Nairobi where he shot her in the back after mistaking her for a charging bull elephant

2: Harry proposed to Meghan in a swish restaurant in London’s Cannon Street. She responded by jokingly tipping her plate of pie and mash into his lap

3: They first slept together half an hour after being introduced, but Harry was unable to perform due to intense pain from a full rectal prolapse brought on by sitting on his gerbil earlier that day

4: The Royal couple keep their love life fresh by indulging in mutual hanging in the bedroom, often to the point of death.

5: Their nightly bedtime ritual involves Harry smashing Meghan’s face into a framed portrait of Piers Morgan which they have hanging in the ensuite bathroom

6: Harry and Meghan’s names can be formed into an anagram which includes the words; ‘ham’ and ‘Gary’

7: Meghan routinely drinks 6 bottles of Jim Beam, Kentucky sour mash, sippin’ whiskey every morning before hitting the gym for a pre-breakfast snooze

8: The Queen dislikes Meghan intensely and refers to her as ‘that fucking colonial beeyatch’

9: Meghan’s left-wing views have recently landed her in hot water after she freed a number of the servants at Sandringham Palace, crying, “I’m Spartacus!”

10: Both Harry and Meghan are accomplished players of the piano accordion who regularly entertain guests with renditions of, The Rose of Traylee, the theme from The Godfather, and, My Old Man’s A Dustman

NEXT WEEK: 7 Things you didn’t Know About Simon Cowell’s Cat,  ‘Anal Ted’

Piers Morgan’s ‘snail trail’ cured my verruca claims ITV cleaner

piers morgan
Morgan confides in co-presenter, Susanna Reid that he only has weeks to live

A 54-year-old cleaner who works in the Good Morning Britain studio is claiming that stepping in the trail of slime left by presenter, Piers Morgan, cleared up a stubborn verruca on her right foot just hours after the incident occurred.

Mrs Tracy Dell, from Whitechapel in East London, The Whelk: “It happened last Monday lunchtime. I was mopping up Piers Morgan’s slime, or his snail trail as we call it, when I accidentally stepped in a bit that I’d missed.

“It was a very hot day and I was working barefoot at the time so I ended up with a fair bit of slime on the underside of my foot. Some even oozed up between my toes

“I was horrified and dunked my foot in my bucket to rinse it off straight away, but what I didn’t realise was that his slime was getting to work on my verruca and that a cure was just hours away.

“When I took my shoes off at home later it was gone. I couldn’t believe my luck to be honest, and if Piers wasn’t such an ocean-going dickwad, I’d thank him personally”

Mrs Dell’s revelation comes just 2 weeks after a 35-year-old ardent Remain voter who had a furious face-to-face slanging match with Conservative backbencher and Brexit hardliner, Jacob Rees-Mogg, told The Sunday Times that flecks of Rees-Mogg’s spittle had cleared up his blackheads.

9 out of 10 Londoners want James Corden to be fired into the Sun reveals survey

 

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Corden delivers another of his trademark hilarious gags at a fundraising dinner for victims of sexual assault

 

A recent survey conducted amongst people living in the Greater London area has revealed that 9 out of 10 people, of all ages, ethnic groups, sexes and religions, would like nothing better than to see the actor, comedian, voiceover man, awards ceremony host and game show everpresent, James Corden, fired into the Sun.

This latest survey follows a recent extensive Gallup poll conducted in Washington DC, which found that an astonishing 99% of the population would be more than happy to personally saw Piers Morgan’s head off with a rusty fish knife.

The remaining 1% thought that it would be too good for him.

I would have built a bigly electric wall around Britain: Trump’s unveils bold Brexit plan

trump batman

In a TV interview with fellow, prize irritant, Piers Morgan, US President, Donald Trump has revealed, that were he the Prime Minister of Great Britain, he would have handled Britain’s departure from the European Union in a far more robust fashion than the current Downing Street incumbent, Theresa May.

“For starters, I would have built a wall around your country,” he told Morgan. “A bigly, electrified wall that would have kept the bad guys out. There are some very bad guys in Europe, trust me.

“I went there once and two hookers busted into my apartment and demanded that I allow them to urinate on me. I had to call the cops to have them hauled out of there. These are not good people”

“Secondly, I would have brought over some of our beautiful, United States Airforce,  invisible planes to shoot down any European airplanes that tried to fly over the wall. Bad people will try to do bad stuff and this would stop them. No question”

Trump is due to visit the UK in late November, a trip that has sparked controversy in a number of quarters, with many Brits already beginning to store bottles of urine in their sheds in readiness for the big day.

Theresa May attacks Piers Morgan with a hammer in “cynical” bid to boost popularity rating

 

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Insufferable twat Morgan pictured in happier times before the PM brained him with a claw hammer

 

An early morning hammer attack by Prime Minister, Theresa May, on ITV breakfast show host, Piers Morgan, was being labelled in some quarters as a desperate bid to boost her flagging popularity ratings, following a disastrous performance in the recent election and a widely-criticised appearance at the scene of last week’s Grenfell Tower disaster.

According to eye-witnesses, Mrs May, confronted Morgan outside the ITV studio in central London at 7.00am this morning and was heard to shout: “Have some of this you fat turd” before dealing him a number of hefty blows to the head with a claw hammer.

May was eventually restrained by Morgan’s Good Mornng co-presenter, Susanna Reid, who dragged her away, shouting: “Just leave it Theresa. He’s not worth it”

Opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, last night poured scorn on what he called a “cynical attempt to curry favour with the people of this country.”

Corbyn then told reporters that he is flying to New York on a goodwill mission later in the week where he plans to wait outside the Fox News studios for controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins, and go for her with an axe.

A spokesman at The Royal London Hospital, where Morgan is being treated, told waiting reporters that Morgan is “refreshingly critical and not expected to last the night with a bit of luck”

Letterz to The Editor

 

jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Convince your neighbours that your wife has been on a short break to the lively Spanish resort of Magaluf by rubbing gearbox oil into her face and blacking both her eyes.

For added authenticity, clean out her bank account and give her a sexually transmitted disease.

The Right Reverend Dave Runcie

Arsebishop Of Camdenbury

Africa.

********************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’m a 19-year-old exchange student from China and I’d like to protest in the strongest possible terms about my treatment since arriving here in the UK three months ago.

Initially, people seem very kind and welcoming, but their attitude seems to change as soon as I tell them my name. They become hostile, verbally abusive, and even violent.

Last week, for example, I was pulled over by a police car for driving on the wrong side of the road. At first, the two officers were understanding and quite helpful. Then, as soon as I gave them my details, they became angry and started beating me around the head and body with their truncheons.

It has now got to the point where I no longer wish to remain here and have already made arrangements to return to Beijing.

Yours faithfully

Yu Fat Fuk

Pimlico.

******************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m ex-Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, by hurtling round The Nurburgring at breakneck speed in a variety of muscle cars while being filmed by the Netflix

For added authenticity, I have befriended an irritating, moon-faced, grinning dwarf and a bumbling halfwit with a sex offender’s demeanour and a laughable haircut.

Piers Morgan

Skid Row.

***************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m  the desperately irritating and insufferable, morning TV host, Piers Morgan, by behaving like an oily, unctuous, condescending, public school fuck.

For added authenticity, I have given myself the sack and then had a TV crew film me walking around Times Square in New York as if I’m not in the least bit bothered.

Jeremy Clarkson

Nurburgring

****************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

A couple of oil-soaked, scouring pads, fastened together with a piece of elastic, make an excellent and comforting in-flight sleep mask for a baby robot.

Toby Perineum-Rash

Nigeria

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