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pilchard spittlejohn

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Journo They Can’t Gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

Have you heard the latest? Apparently, this country’s population will have grown by over 100 million by Christmas Eve and that’s no exaggeration. 

The latest figures – and I’ve just this minute written them down and have them right here in front of me – indicate, that by the time you’re unwrapping the socks and jumper from Auntie Maude, there will be an extremely good chance that the people next door will be ignoring Christmas completely due to the fact that they’re black Muslims from Romania or somewhere similar. 

No wonder this great country’s going to hell in a handcart. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make it up could you?

I’ll tell you something else you couldn’t make up and that’s the Scottish. Did you know that 99.9% of Scots want to kill and eat an Englishman, and that’s despite the fact that we allow them to live on the same piece of rock as us. 

If I had my way, I’d get a giant buzz saw and make a bloody great cut just this side of Hadrian’s Wall and watch the buggers float off towards Iceland. Scots eh? You couldn’t make them up if you tried could you? They can all go to hell in a handcart as far as I’m concerned.

I was talking to my old friends, Nigel Farage and Marie Le Pen down the pub the other day, and they’re firmly of the opinion that all the illegals, the non-whites, and people who live in council accommodation, should be rounded up and sent off to Syria to fight against Islamic State. 

They believe – as do I for that matter – that it will be character building for them and will free up space in the country for the decent, law-abiding, white people who made this country great – before it went to hell in a handcart.

As for our television programmes. I turned on the BBC the other day only to be confronted by a programme about a lost tribe in the Amazon jungle. Full of blacks it was. The only white face was the presenter’s, and even he looked as if he had a touch of the old tar brush about him. 

No wonder the BBC’s going to hell in a handcart. British Broadcasting Corporation? It’s more like the Black Bastards Club if you ask me. You couldn’t make it up half the time could you?

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is an entirely fictitious creation, and bears absolutely no resemblance to any extreme right-wing Fleet Steet hack either living or preferably dead, especially, Richard Littlejohn of The Express. No, that’s right out that is.

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The extreme right-wing journo they can’t gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

All this coronavirus business. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

In my view, it’s a complete fabrication, dreamed up by leftie snowflakes to pour cold water on Brexit and to discredit President Trump.

If I was Boris, I’d round up all these malingerers with so-called covid-19 and shoot the bloody lot of ’em at dawn.

This great country of hours needs men of character and women that realise that their place is to walk two yards behind them, not a bunch of light-footed, libtard fairies and sensible shoe-wearing harridans, clumping down the road like Irish navvies.

And while we’re on the subject of fairies. You couldn’t make ’em up, could you?

Take that Philip Schofield off the telly for example. He’s whining about self-isolating himself for two weeks in case he’s got coronavirus.

Self-isolating? I would have thought he’s had enough of being cooped-up lately. The bloody great poof only got out of the closet a couple of weeks ago, for Christ’s sake.

If I had my way, I’d round up all these light-footed pooftahs and hang the lot of ’em at dawn.

Here’s something else you couldn’t make up. I actually saw a bloke in the pub, handing over a bunch of flowers to a woman the other day.

I nearly choked on my pint. What is a woman doing in a public house when there’s cooking and cleaning to be done?

You quite literally couldn’t make people like these up and the sooner the government grows a spine and beheads a few at dawn, the sooner this country will get some respect from foreigners. Like we used to in the war.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is sub-editor of Jew-Baiters and Fascist Caravaners Monthly

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is absolutely not based on, swivel-eyed, Daily Express cunt, Richard Littlejohn, in any way, shape or form. No, that’s right out that is.

Pilchard Spittlejohn in: An Audience With Donald Trump

pilchard-spittlejohn1 trump-impeach-meme

This week, the perma-angry, right wing bigoted journalist interviews the 45th President Of The United States, Donald Trump.

PS: Mr President, people on the far left accuse you of being a fascist and a dullard. How would you answer that accusation?

DT: Are you from the BBC my friend?

PS: No sir, I’m an independent journalist, although I did once host a radio phone-in on BBC Radio 5 in the late 1990s

DT: Oh boy! Another beauty!…Sean! Get this limey fuck outta here would ya?

PS: But Mr President, I was just going to ask you to put the record straight on the uranium issue. You expressed some concern over its distribution in your press conference on Thursday.

DT: What’s to put straight fer chrissake? Uranium is a piece of rock that can be nuclear and can be so bad if it gets into the wrong hands, and I’m talking about Hillary’s hands now.

She owns 95% of the world’s uranium and is already planning on selling it to that North Korea dude, Kim something-or-other.

Listen my limey friend, if she had won the election instead of me we’d all be dead by now. All the Americans and all the limeys. So dead. Fortunately, I won with a yuuuuge majority, so everything is beautiful and running like a finely-tooned machine.

PS: I hear you Mr President and I couldn’t agree more.

Mr President, you have been accused of misogyny, racism and homophobia. How do you respond to these allegations?

DT: Listen, you limey fag. You are skating on very thin ice now, but let me answer that before I have you tossed out of the building. Nobody, and I mean nobody, respects blacks and women more than me. I mean to say, look at that Beyonce. What a fine piece of ass she is my fag friend. I gotta tell ya, I would grab some of that pussy and I would grab it bigly.

PS: I hear you sir and I wouldn’t blame you if you did. Lastly, can I just ask about your tax returns? Do you intend to make them public at some poi…

DT: SEAN! I thought I told you to get this asshole outta here!

Pilchard Spittlejohn is the gardening correspondent of  Popular Gas Chamber Monthly

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Columnist They Can’t Gag (sadly)


Pilchard Spittlejohn1

Do you want to know something? There are times when I wake up and think that this country’s going to hell in a handcart. Some of the things I’ve seen going on are so bloody skewed and downright tonto that I honestly don’t think you could make them up.

Take the recent Olympic Games as a case in point. Not only were they held outside this country, but they were also full of foreigners; some of whom were black if you please. Even some of the British team had a touch of the tar brush about them. You couldn’t make it up could you?

Take that Mo Farah for example. Now he’s a pretty fast runner I’ll give you that, but unless my eyes completely deceive me, he’s as black as my granny’s hat for God’s sake.

Even the commentators are black. You’ve only got to look at Michael Johnson and Gabby Logan to see that. As for Clare Balding, she may be white like you and me, but unless my instinct has gone to hell in a handcart, that woman’s a fully-paid-up, clam-noshing lezza or I’m a Chinaman. I don’t pay my licence fee to have sooties and rug-munchers beamed into my sitting room and nor should you.

I was down the pub with my old journo pal, Kelvin McKenzie, last week and he said exactly the same thing. “You couldn’t make it up Pilchard,” he told me over a few pints of English bitter and a plate of bubble and squeak. “I sometimes think the whole countries going to hell in a bloody handcart”

That’s what I like about Kelvin. He can hold his drink and he can tell it like it is. He had to stay at mine that night because we couldn’t get a cabbie to take him home due to his condition. I didn’t want to run the risk of being bummed so I stuck him in bed with the wife. She never complained bless her. We may be going to hell in a handcart but we can still thank our lucky stars for the dutiful little white women of this great country is what I say.

Mind you, she did ask me to change the sheets on our bed the next day but I told her I couldn’t make it up.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is a columnist in The Swivel-Eyed Tribune incorporating Popular Jew-Baiting Monthly

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Columnist They Can’t Gag (sadly)


I’ve always maintained that this country of ours is going to hell in a handcart ever since they started letting the blacks live in council flats and now I’ve finally been proved right. Only this time, I’ve been proved right in France.

I refer of course to the terror attacks in Paris. Now I hate the bloody Frogs as much as the next red-blooded Englishman, but things have gone a bit far when they start getting shot by darkies in the so-called safety of their own city. I mean to say, you couldn’t make it up could you?

I’ll tell you something else you couldn’t make up shall I? You know that police dog that got shot by the ragheads during the so-called Paris terrorist attack? Well, according to a bloke I was talking to in the pub last night, that pooch had been radicalised by some Muslim dogs in the police kennels and actually blew himself up with a suicide harness hoping to take a few Frog rozzers with him. No wonder Froggieland is going to hell in a handcart.

As a respected journalist and Fleet Street doyen, I often get talking to other respected journos down the pub, especially Kelvin McKenzie and Katie Hopkins. Anyway, they told me that unless we round up everyone that can’t produce proof of their Anglo-Saxon lineage, going back 6 generations, and shoot ’em, we’ll all be blown up in our beds or turned into Arabs and made to worship Allah for a couple of weeks before being blown up anyway.

Even though you couldn’t make that sort of thing up, I believe it and so should you. In my view, the more people that take notice of Kelvin and Katie and their ilk the less chance this country has of going to  hell in a handcart. I honestly believe that and so does Rupert Murdoch.

Pilchard Spittlejohn appears courtesy of Popular Holocaust Denier incorporating The Donald Trump Bugle

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