The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


political satire

Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

Sarah Sanders
Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

Brexit Latest: French and German lessons to be replaced by Cockney and Yorkshire in English schools

The Education Secretary for Yorkshire pictured complete with whippet last night

In a controversial move, the government has announced that after Britain’s scheduled departure from the European Union on March 29, the languages curriculum in English schools will be revised, with German and French being replaced by lessons in Cockney and Yorkshire.

Instead of being taught skills such as verb conjugation and the usage of the past and present participle in the two European languages, children will learn Cockney rhyming slang and, in the case of the Yorkshire dialect, vowel strangulation and omission of the pronoun.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, a Yorkshire representative for the Department of Education said: “Now then, reporters! ‘Appen t’ gooverment’s ‘ad a reet good rethink about ‘ow owr bluddy kids are taught in t’ schools.

“Aye and about bluddy time too! Bah eck as like!

“BluddyFrench and German?!

“From now on there’ll be nay talk o’ that bluddy nonsense in owr schools, ah can tell thee that fer nowt!”

The Education Secretary for London schools was unavailable for comment last night but his press officer told newsmen: “If you fink we’re gonna teach our saucepan lids fackin’ German and Frog, you must be round the fackin’ bend, you slaaags!

“Nah, sling your bleedin’ hooks or I’ll send some of the chaps round to fackin’ serve you up!”

In other news, cookery lessons in schools post-Brexit will be replaced by lessons in gruel making and cannibalism.

Britain and EU call truce to play lunchtime football match


Theresa May and her wingman, Stephen “Ginger” Barclay, pictured on their way to Europe for Brexit talks yesterday

The warring factions of Great Britain and the European Union called a brief truce at noon yesterday to share food and drink with each other and to play a game of 13-a-side football on the green outside the European Parliament in Strasbourg.

Members of both negotiating teams, including British prime minister, Theresa May and European Council President, Donald Tusk, approached each other tentatively outside the parliament building following a morning spent at loggerheads over Mrs May’s proposal to make changes to the Irish backstop agreement.

The protagonists then shook hands briefly before sharing their packed lunches and other refreshments.

At one point, the British produced a case of Spitfire Kentish Ale and handed out cans to their opposite numbers, while the Europeans opened bottles of wine and lager to share with their British counterparts.

Then, amid laughter and some good-natured catcalls, an old leather football was produced and a rather shambolic soccer match began, which the Brits won 4-2 after a controversial late effort from Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, struck the crossbar and bounced down just behind the goal line.

It was a hard-fought but good-natured affair for the most part. However, the game ended on a sour note after European Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, clattered Mrs May on the halfway line in injury time.

The two then squared up and there was some pushing and shoving, with Barnier calling the British Prime Minister, a “lanky Little Englander”, which May countered by calling the Frenchman, “an intransigent Frog twat.”

Dumb & Dumber (and then some)


It’s reassuring to know that we’re all in such capable hands, isn’t it, folks? – Ed


Friday November 23 2018

There were wild scenes in the Turkish parliament last night as the Black Friday hunt for bargains turned ugly.

black fridee

Picture courtesy of  The Black Eye & Ruptured Spleen Press Association ©

TRUMP PROTEST: Americans in London demand the right to throw stale piss alongside Brit cousins.

trump welcome billboard

American people living in the capital have hit out at State Department advice to ‘keep a low profile’ during today’s anti-trump demonstration which is expected to attract tens of thousands of people to the capital.

Many Americans, who have been carefully storing their piss in bottles in readiness to hurl at Trump’s car, are furious at being sidelined.

The Whelk spoke to one woman, Tracy Dellinski from Brooklyn, NY, who told us: “My boyfriend and myself, along with all our friends, have been peeing into bottles for months in anticipation of lobbing them at Trump, and now they’re asking us to stay home.

“Well, they can go hang as far as I’m concerned. I’ll be lining up outside the American ambassador’s place this afternoon with my bottle of whizz at the ready and I’ll be launching it towards the fat orange fuck the first chance I get.”

If you’re an American in London and find yourself reticent about attending, don’t be. Come and stand alongside myself and The Whelk editorial team and we’ll happily share our bottles of stale Jimmy Riddle with you – Ed. #Resist

Storm as Trump appoints Strictly’s Len Goodman to Supreme Court

The judge they dread. Len pictured giving an invalid 10 years for limping in public yesterday

There was a growing sense of disquiet amongst liberal Americans last night as President Trump announced that he was nominating, former Strictly Come Dancing judge, Len Goodman, for a place on The United States Supreme Court.

Hardliner, Goodman, is an outspoken opponent of gay rights and abortion who famously dubbed fellow judge, Bruno Tonioli, ‘a light-footed bum bandit’ after the openly gay Italian had given, hunky contestant, Ben Cohen, a 10 following a flawed Argentinian tango.

Goodman also came under fire from feminists in 2010 when he told Darcey Bussell to, ‘shut up and get on with the ironing’ when she disagreed with his decision to send Ann Widdecombe packing following a shambolic display in the dance off against Paul Daniels.

Trump’s decision will be strongly criticised by liberal Republicans and Democrats alike, although many will be breathing a sigh of relief that he didn’t nominate, extreme right-winger, Craig Revell Horwood, who has frequently attracted criticism for his outspoken views on human rights and his calls for Strictly judges to be given dispensation to open fire on contestants who repeatedly fail to keep their shoulders back during the Viennese Waltz.


Dumb and Dumber

trump & kim

NEXT WEEK: The 45th President of The United States consults Little Jimmy Osmond on securing a lasting peace in the occupied territories.

picture courtesy of SoZ Satire incorporating The Whitechapel Whelk.

All rights naively waived to billions across the entire globe

Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist


The Minister for Brexit pictured at a Conservative Party rally last night


A leading figure in the world of anthropology has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union are gradually returning to the primordial soup where life is believed to have begun around 3.8 billion years ago.

Professor Tobias Dell, 57, from Whitechapel University in London, told the National Geographic Society, that within the next few year all Brexiteers will have returned to single-cell organisms who live in the primordial soup.

“Thousands of Brexiteers have already been spotted crawling on all-fours across the Serengeti Plain in Africa where the primordial soup is located,” he told assembled scientists.

“It’s a bit like the behaviour of, The Skeksis out of The Dark Crystal when they all felt some strange inexorable force drawing them back to the place of their creation.

“It’s my view, that by 2020, pretty much all of them will have been reduced to floating on the surface of the water gazing sightlessly at the sky, with absolutely no cognisance of the world around them.

“A bit like Trump supporters in the hotel pool when they’re on holiday.”

A spokesman for the fiercely pro-Brexit, United Kingdom Independence Party, hit back furiously at the professor’s remarks.

“Primordial soup? Never! We only have good old proper British soup like oxtail or cockaleekie in my house!”

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