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Theresa May farted with shock as election result became clear, claims Tory insider

theresa may fart pic

A source close to Prime Minister, Theresa May, has revealed that she broke wind as news of her impending humiliation at the polls became clear last June.

The anonymous insider told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I was standing right behind her when the exit poll results started coming in.

“Seconds after she was handed the forecast on a sheet of paper, she broke wind. I can only put it down to the shock of realising that there could be a hung parliament

“It was a real rip-snorter and the stench afterwards was pretty outrageous to be fair.

“There was an uncomfortable silence at first, then Boris Johnson broke the ice by shouting: “I’ll name that tune in one”

“David Davies and a couple of the PM’s advisors actually started gagging, while Andrea Leadsom hurried from the room with a hankie covering her nose and mouth just seconds afterwards.

“The Prime Minister seemed oblivious to the furore to be honest but she did eventually walk over to the window to open a fan light”

This latest revelation mirrors a disclosure made by the late, former Foreign Secretary, George Brown, who revealed in his memoirs, that, in 1964, the then Minister of Transport, Barbara Castle, unleashed a thunderous “double-barrel’ during a summit conference with Russian President, Leonid Brezhnev, when the Russian challenged her stance on his nation’s nuclear weapons build-up.

Ticket sales for Diane Abbott’s fundraising striptease “on the slow side” say organisers

 

Diane-Abbott-714889
Keep ’em on! Ms Abbott pictured giving a saucy address to trades union leaders last night

 

According to the organisers of a fundraising striptease due to be performed by Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, ticket sales have been “on the slow side”

The roly-poly left-winger is putting on the show to raise money for injured victims of the terror attack on London Bridge and Borough Market last Saturday evening.

A spokesperson for #TitsAgainstTerror told us: “Sales have been on the slow side, but we put that down to lots of people being away on holiday and also the flagging economy brought about by disastrous Tory fiscal policies”

Miss Abbott, who describes herself as “curvy and voluptuous” will perform the striptease on London Bridge on Saturday evening at 20.00

Structural engineers have already begun installing steel piles on the underside of the bridge to take her weight when she ends her routine by crashing to the pavement doing the splits.

Donald Trump’s staff now communicating using Kazoos.

 

kazoo
Sean Spicer’s Kazoo pictured last night

 

from our political editor and Stylophonist Of The Year runner-up, Danny SoZ

In a move designed to prevent further illegal leaks of private government business by the security services, the president’s inner circle will now communicate with each other by blowing into a Kazoo.

It is understood that senior White House staff have been fully trained to decipher the sounds made by colleagues as they use the instrument and also how to ‘encrypt’ their own responses effectively when blowing back their replies.

A White House spokesman told reporters last night: “KWAAAAACK KWACK KWACK KWACKITY KWAAAAAAACK!”

Jeremy Corbyn criticised my cat claims SNP leader, Nicola Sturgeon

 

nicola
Pussy problem. A grim-faced Sturgeon pictured last night

 

Scottish National Party leader, Nicola Sturgeon, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, made an uncalled for, derogatory remark about her cat during a heated debate on Brexit in The Strangers Bar at The Palace of Westminster on Monday evening.

A visibly upset Surgeon told us: “A few of us were having a quiet drink after a long debating session in The Commons and I mentioned to Jeremy that I was against him imposing a 3-line whip on the forthcoming vote to trigger Article 50.

“He seemed to get absolutely furious at this. He slammed his glass of sherry down on the bar and started having a right go at my cat.

“He told me that he’d seen it in Hello magazine in an article they did on me a few months back – and to use his words- he told me that it looked like a piece of shit on a stick.

“I became terribly upset and started crying, but he was relentless. He told me that my cat was a worthless piece of Scottish crap that needed a good kick up the arse.

“I reported him to The Speaker the next day who was really lovely and told me not to worry about it. He told me that Jeremy always turns nasty after he’s had a few ales.

“He then told me that he’d seen my cat in the magazine too and that it looked great for its age, which really lifted my spirits”

This latest furore comes almost a year after, left-wing Labour Party firebrand, Denis “The Beast Of Bolsover” Skinner, was asked to withdraw from The Commons debating chamber by The Speaker for calling Prime Minister David Cameron’s Irish Setter a “thick paddy c***t”

Whelk Exclusive: Daesh to make Trump honorary member.

trump

Islamic terror group, Daesh, last night announced that they have made, United States President, Donald Trump, an honorary member for “outstanding services to recruitment.”

The group, also known as Islamic State, are said to be delighted by the recent upsurge in people from across the world who are now clamouring to join them in their fight against Western values.

A spokesman for the group told us last night: “Since Mr Trump’s inauguration last week, we have seen our recruitment figures triple,

“Yesterday alone, we had over 20,000 people submitting online applications to join us after Mr Trump’s latest executive order banning Muslims from the US.

“We are therefore granting him an honorary membership of our organisation as a mark of our appreciation.

“We are also extending an open invitation for Mr Trump to visit our headquarters in northern Iraq whenever he’s free.

“Perhaps, a state visit after he’s had an audience with The Queen of Britain might be an option.

“We’re planning a mass burning of homosexuals and adulterous women in July, so that too could be a timely opportunity for us to thank him personally”

The White House have not yet responded to the announcement, but Trump himself took to Twitter at 3.00am: “I’ve received a most gracious invite from a guy called Daesh and I’m looking forward to meeting him, right after I’ve taken care of those two losers, Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Is it just me, or is The Whelk beginning to sound less like an organ for “fake news” and more like a regular newspaper with every passing day?

The United States make history by electing first president whose name is synonymous with a fart

trump-and-clinton

There were scenes of wild jubilation across America last night as Donald J Trump became the first ever United States President to have a surname that is a synonym for a rectal expulsion of foul-smelling gas.

However, the reaction from the so-called free world was mixed, with many leaders expressing disquiet at having to deal with Trump during high-level meetings with the new White House incumbent.

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, was the first to express reservations, telling reporters: “While I congratulate Mr Trump on his victory, it’s not going to be easy entering into summit talks with a man who sounds like a fart. I just hope I can keep a straight face when we shake hands before high-level discussions.”

British Prime Minister, Theresa May, was slightly less guarded in her reaction to the news of Trump’s victory “I find it hard to believe that the American people have elected a man named after a botty burp” she told a news conference. “How the hell are we going to take the man seriously. It was hard enough not to burst out laughing the other day when Gabon elected President Ali Bongo”

The American people now face the grim prospect of enduring four years of being subjected to flatulence-related jibes whenever they mention their president to foreigners, although many political analysts are casting doubt on the chances of the world lasting that long after Trump gains access to the nuclear codes.

BREAKING: The United States electoral map earlier this morning.

america-burns

More as we get it.

Clinton angrily denies having emails from Whitechapel plumber in spam folder

hillary-clinton
Water leakgate. Mrs Clinton hits back at rumours last night

Following last night’s sensational revelation that the FBI are to conduct further investigations into the controversy surrounding the private emails of presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, the democratic candidate and ex-Secretary of State has angrily denied that she had kept over one hundred communications from Toby Dell’s Plumbing Emporium in Whitechapel, East London, in her spam folder for well over 6 months, despiting deleting countless others from penis developer manufacturers, Russian brides offers and Nigerian scam artists.

Speaking to reporters last night, a visibly angry Mrs Clinton said: “I had no idea these emails were in my spam folder. I have no knowledge of Mr Dell or of his business in Whitechapel and I can only assume that my husband may have been in touch with this gentleman over a leaky faucet we had in the bathroom.

“As to the penis developing ones, I have no idea how they got there and have forwarded them all to Donald Trump, who, from what I’ve heard, could sure use one.”

Mr Dell spoke to us from outside his premises in Commercial Road last night “It’s quite possible that I may have sent a few emails to Mrs Clinton. I tend to advertise quite widely, especially with a view to getting a few prestige jobs. I’m putting a new cold water cistern in Vladimir Putin’s loft next Thursday”

We dedicate this skit to our excellent colonial buddy ‘Buffalo’ Tom Peabody, whose chance remark led to the birth of this libellous tripe.

#Traingate. Does Corbyn have ideas above his station?

corbyn indian train

Now, any non-Brits out there won’t have the foggiest idea what the above meme signifies. Let me enlighten you then, my wuffly, ickle foreign swine.

The man photoshopped into the above smudge by our very own and much-loved, Artful Dodger, is Jeremy Corbyn, or ‘Jezza’ as he is known to his Stalinist acolytes. He is a political extremist who has about as much chance of becoming Britain’s next prime minister as my grandma has of being voted “Little Miss Whitechapel Perky Tits 2020”

Yesterday, he was exposed by the media as having lied through his crooked teeth about being unable to find a seat on a London to Newcastle train.

In short ladies and gents, he was caught on CCTV walking through empty carriages in order to find a full one. He then sat cross-legged on the floor, for all the world like some kind of unkempt Gandhi sans nappy, and proceeded to bleat about the parlous state of our rail system and how Uncle Jezza was going to make everything beautiful again for the lumpen proletariat.

In our view, this man is a duplicitous, lying mug who will condemn the working class of Great Britain to at least 20 more years under a right-wing Tory government.  We have, therefore, made the decision to hammer the fucker every single chance we get and then some.

Thank you for giving us this platform to air our views. We hope we’re sending out the right signals and that you’ve managed to follow our train of thought. If not, you can go whistle etc

Now, here’s what his PR team SHOULD have done before condemning their boy to that ‘walk of death’

ALL ABOARD WHO’S COMIN’ ABOARD! 🙂

Corbyn Train Skit Image

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