You’ve been a wonderful audience. Try the veal. -Ed
You’ve been a wonderful audience. Try the veal. -Ed
In an unprecedented move, Parliament last night voted to take control of veteran British actor, Michael Caine and has now occupied his swish home in Beverly Hills
Caine, 108, told newsmen last night: “I got up this morning and went downstairs to make a brew as usual, only to find Anna Soubry, Hilary Benn and Angela Eagle, sprawled out on the sofa reading the papers.
“I asked them what they were playing at only be told to “fuck off out of it” by Mr Benn.
“I wouldn’t mind, but when I went to have my morning slash in the downstairs bog, I found that Speaker of The House, John Bercow, was in there having a shit and I had to get in the stairlift and use the one upstairs”
It is believed that Parliament will later stage a series of votes on Caine’s future film roles, including whether to allow him to play any more fired-up old geezers who decide to shoot all the drug dealers on his council estate because they killed one of his juicehead mates.
This move mirrors an earlier parliamentary decision to seize control of Bond actor, Piers Brosnan, that was subsequently abandoned when he began singing a medley of tunes from Mama Mia.
The government yesterday announced plans to have all people who refuse to have their children vaccinated or who won’t accept that the earth is round, run over en masse by spiked steamrollers.
A Home Office spokesman told a press conference last night: “In the government’s opinion, ocean-going numpties who flatly refuse to accept irrefutable evidence gleaned over many years of exhaustive scientific research are a threat to the gene pool as well as being wearisome irritants.
“We are therefore proposing that they are rounded up over the next few weeks and taken to an abandoned airfield where they will be made to lie down in the path of spiked steamrollers.
“The government doesn’t care how much laughable research on the internet these weapons-grade fucknuts have done and nor will the blokes driving the steamrollers
“At the end of the day, it’s what most sensible people would want, trust me”
This latest move comes just a week after a splinter group of centrist Labour and Tory MPs called for people who still believe that a no-deal Brexit would be good for the country to be slashed with knives and then tossed into tanks containing starving piranha fish.
A London pop music station came under fire yesterday after their 6.00 am news update led with a report on last night’s Brit Awards at the O2 Arena despite the fact that hours earlier, Labour Party Leader, Jeremy Corbyn, and pro-Brexit poster boy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, had been involved in a scuffle outside The Houses of Parliament during which, both men pulled knives after first exchanging punches.
A spokesman for Heart FM told newsmen: “Our listeners are mostly young and pretty thick.
“They’re not interested in politics, even if there is a good tear-up involved.
“In any case, we did mention it right at the end just after an interview with the fat one out of Little Mix”
The brawl, after which both men were treated for superficial knife wounds, is believed to have started when Rees-Mogg made a derogatory remark to Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, who was with Corbyn at the time.
BBC Radio 4’s Today programme did lead with the incident, however.
Veteran presenter, John Humphries, told listeners: “Corbyn definitely started it.
“He was tooled up and looking for trouble
“In my opinion, he was just trying to look hard in front of his bird”
This is not the first incident of this kind in recent months.
In December of last year, Father of The House and veteran Tory grandee, Ken Clark, was treated for stab wounds to the abdomen after being attacked in the Strangers Bar by former Environment Secretary, Andrea Leadsom, following a disagreement about Tottenham Hotspur’s chances of winning The FA Cup.
There were calls for an age limit to be imposed on protestors last night after more than forty elderly Brexiteers passed away during a short march from Trafalgar Square to Downing Street where they were due to protest about a proposed extension to Article 50.
An eye-witness told newsmen: “It was pretty grim, to be honest. They were dropping like flies along Whitehall.
“I saw one old bloke with a, ‘No Deal. No Problem’ banner, clutching his chest and gasping for air.
“He eventually dropped dead in front of one of the soldiers on sentry duty outside Horseguards.
“An old girl threw down her ‘Just Leave’ banner and started to administer CPR, but it was too late for the poor old sod
“By the time they’d got to Downing Street, Whitehall and Parliament Street looked like the aftermath of The Battle of Waterloo, with bodies and abandoned walking sticks and zimmer frames all over the shop.
“It’s a shame really as now they’ll never know if the EU agreed to make changes to the proposed Irish backstop agreement or whether Mrs May will be pressured into calling a 2nd referendum”.
A spokesperson for Age Concern said last night: “Our advice to anyone over the age of 60 is to forget about going on political demos and to stay indoors in front of the fire with a nice cup of tea and a few biccies.
“There’s nothing you can do to alter government policy by going out marching in the cold, and in any case, you’ll be dead before long anyway”
This latest incident comes just a month after 12 elderly northerners died of a number of age-related illnesses during a short march to Sheffield town hall where they were due to hand in a petition complaining about the number of illegal immigrants claiming benefits while living in 15 bedroom mansions in Hillsborough.
Theresa May’s government came under fire last night following an announcement in The Commons that European Union citizens over the age of 60 living in this country will have to pay a £70 fee and undergo a written and oral examination in order to become fully accepted as whining geriatric racists like the vast majority of their indigenous British counterparts.
The test will include sections on writing xenophobic letters to newspapers, tutting loudly when there are foreigners in the doctor’s waiting room, complaining in a loud voice about there being, ‘far too many darkies in the country’, in the queue at the post office, and pushing parcels containing dog shit through the letterboxes of anybody not born in England.
A Home Office spokesman said last night: “If these people wish to be accepted as small-minded, mean-spirited Little Englanders like the rest of us, this government feels that they should have to meet certain standards and pay for the privilege while they’re about it”
By way of a concession to EU residents, Mrs May did announce yesterday that the government would be waiving the proposed so-called £60, settlement fee, although foreign nationals will be made to stand at the end of the queue for their bowl of thin gruel at feeding stations in the event of Britain crashing out with no deal.
The world of politics was in shock last night as news broke that right-wing Conservative Party backbencher and hardline Brexiter, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been attacked and then eaten by a lion that he was keeping as a pet at his London home
Rees-Mogg, 49, had owned the beast since 2016 and kept it in an upstairs bedroom. He told friends that he had named it, Winston and that he saw it as a symbol of the might of the British Empire of yesteryear.
He came under fire in January last year when the creature devoured one of his children and he refused to have it put down, claiming that the child ‘must have been teasing it’
The lion has been shot with a tranquiliser dart and is now believed to be recovering at, Chequers, the home of Prime Minister, Theresa May, who was a constant butt of Rees-Mogg’s barbed attacks.
She told newsmen outside Downing Street last night: “As a cat lover, I felt duty bound to give Winston a good home.
“I shall tend to his needs personally and he shall accompany me to Cabinet meetings, Prime Minister’s Question Time, and any forthcoming Brexit negotiations trips to Brussels”
Rees-Mogg is not the first Conservative MP to be eaten by a wild beast
In 1969, flamboyant Tory backbencher, Sir Gerald Nabarro, was devoured by a crocodile after toppling from a walkway into its enclosure at London Zoo after a late-night drinking session with members of the British Zoological Society
This spoof front page, my friends, is based on a factual event which took place in this sceptred isle last week and is indicative of the complete shitshow that Brexit has now become.
Sometimes, our work as satirists is made simple by the actions of politicians.
This debacle is a case in point.
Still, we’ve got our country back, my friends!
Now, who ordered the Quatro Formaggio deep crust with pineapple?
NEXT WEEK: The little Trump supporters lynch a family of wetbacks on the front porch