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BBC’s Maitlis escapes death from falling anvil: Prince Andrew held

anvil

Journalist and broadcaster, Emily Maitlis, had a narrow escape yesterday when a blacksmith’s anvil crashed to the ground, missing her head by inches, as she was leaving her office at the BBC headquarters in Portland Place, West London.

Police quickly arrived on the scene and began a search on the roof of the building where they found Prince Andrew crouching behind a lift shaft.

The troubled royal was then arrested and led away by armed officers before being taken to nearby Ebury Bridge police station where he is being held in police custody on suspicion of attempted murder.

Speculation is rife that Andrew may have been seeking revenge on the journalist after his disastrous televised interview in December 2019, when he denied having illicit sex with a minor by claiming that he was in a pizza parlour with his children when the alleged assault had taken place.

One eye witness to the arrest was forklift truck driver, Toby Dell, 27, from East London, who told reporters: “I saw two coppers dragging Prince Andrew towards the police car and bundling him into the back.

“He was effing and blinding and shouting the odds about being above the law and that he was going to tell The Queen if they didn’t let him go.

“I caught a glimpse of him as the motor sped past. and I have to say, that if what he says about being incapable of sweating is true, then somebody must have thrown a bucket of water over his swede because he was absolutely dripping”

Maitlis was shaken but unharmed following the incident and told reporters: “I knew he was a slippery little bastard but I didn’t expect this one”

In an ironic twist, if the Duke of York is found guilty, he will serve time in one of Her Majesty’s prisons, often referred to by inmates as, The Windsor Hotel.

Jailed sex offenders to rattle tin mugs in celebration of Prince Andrew’s birthday

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Over 50 inmates on the sex offenders wing at HMP Wormwood Scrubbs in London are set to mark the 60th birthday of Prince Andrew at lunchtime today by rattling their enamelled tin mugs before singing, For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.

One inmate, serving a lengthy sentence for child abduction and rape, said last night: “We’d heard that Prince Andrew’s birthday was going to be a low-key job this year due to his close friendship with a paedophile, so the lads have got together and decided to get right behind one of our own, so to speak.

“You never know, one day he might be in here too, so it pays to get on his good side in case he gets regular hampers from his mum sent in”

In other related news, government buildings will not be obliged to fly the union flag to mark the Prince’s birthday later today, although The Lord Rodney’s Head public house in Whitechapel have run a pair of union jack knickers up their rooftop flag pole as a joke.

Prince Andrew to be busted down to cabin boy on 60th birthday

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In a break from royal tradition, the Royal Navy are going to demote Prince Andrew to ship’s cabin boy on his 60th birthday following allegations that the prince had unlawful sex with an underage girl at the home of the late convicted paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein.

It is traditional that members of the royal family receive 10-yearly promotions in the armed forces, irrespective of whether or not they are on active service.

However, a spokesman for the Royal Navy told newsmen that this would not be the case where Prince Andrew is concerned: “While the Royal Navy is a modern-thinking outfit, willing to embrace the sexual preferences of all who serve, we do draw the line at rewarding paedophiles.

“So with that in mind, we have decided to demote Prince Andrew from Rear Admiral to ships cabin boy 2nd class on the occasion of his 60th birthday.

“His duties will include; sweeping out the wardroom, making the captains bed, serving the men with their grog ration, carrying out the care and maintenance of the cat o’ nine tails, as well as stocking the medicine cupboard in the post-sodomy treatment room”

This announcement mirrors the treatment given to Andrew’s younger brother, Edward, who was busted down to Private 2nd Class during his spell in the Royal Marines after a copy of Altar Boys In Pantyhose was discovered in his locker during a routine inspection.

Prince Andrew Bombshell: I was in a Whitechapel pie and mash shop when FBI tried to contact me

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Beleaguered royal, Prince Andrew, has claimed that he was in a pie and mash shop in East London when the FBI were trying to gain his assistance with their investigation into his close friend, the late Jacob Epstein and his links to sex trafficking.

A spokesman for Prince Andrew said last night: “His Royal Highness wishes for it to be known that he was in Kelly’s pie and mash shop in Whitechapel High Street during the entire time the Bureau were trying to contact him.

“He had pie, double mash and liquor with fruit pie and custard for afters.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a receipt so you’ll just have to take our word for it.”

We spoke to the shop’s owner, Bill Kelly last night who denied that Prince Andrew was in his eaterie at the time: “No mate”, he told us. “I’d have remembered something like that

“Mind you, we did have the Queen Mother in here in 1941 when she was inspecting the bomb damage in the East End after the Luftwaffe bombed the docks.

“No, if Prince Andrew had come in, he’d have been battered by the other customers.

“We don’t take kindly to nonces around here”

In other royal news, Meghan Markle has been savaged in the tabloids for giving tacit support to communism after she was spotted wearing a red jumper in a Toronto millinery shop last Friday.

Editor’s Note: There is no Kelly’s in Whitechapel but there is one in Bow and another in Bethnal green. Wonderful establishments and I highly recommend both.

Harry and Meghan did the decent thing by relinquishing titles says, HRH Prince Andrew

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Andrew pictured relaxing at his holiday home last night

Following the relinquishing of their royal titles, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex received a warm endorsement from Harry’s uncle, Prince Andrew, last night.

Speaking to The Whitechapel Whelk from the holiday isle of Mustique, where he has been laying somewhat low since being linked to dead paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein, Andrew said: “Now look here, nobody like this sort of scandal. It puts the royal family in a very poor light indeed.

“I dread to think of the effect all this is having on my mother.

“However, I have to say that, in this instance, giving up their royal privileges was the very least they could do and I’m glad they’ve had the common decency to do so

“I have a small inkling of what they have been going through due to my own, very minor, issue with underage girls and my friendship with the convicted paedophile chappie and his links to human trafficking, but nothing on this scale.

“I wish them well in the future although I won’t be having any contact after this rather shameful business.

“I mean to say, one does have one’s own moral standing to consider doesn’t one?”

Harry and Meghan will be reunited in Canada later this week and will spend a few weeks there along with baby Archie while the Daily Mail and The Express feverishly try to work out how to castigate them over their relinquishing of their titles and repayment of the £3 million of taxpayers money used to refurbish their Frogmore Cottage home.

Royal Bombshell

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Tremendous gesture from the man. It looks like we may have got the fella all wrong – Ed

Prince Andrew denies all knowledge of the existence of Trump

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Prince Andrew (right) meeting somebody who isn’t Donald Trump. Picture courtesy of the Buckingham Palace archive for awkward situations

Following President Donald Trump’s denial of knowing Prince Andrew yesterday, the Prince himself last night moved swiftly to scotch rumours that he had ever met Trump, or that he even exists.

Speaking to the BBC’s, Andrew Marr in a hastily-arranged interview, the beleaguered royal claimed never to have met Trump in any capacity, either official or social.

He then went on to say that he has never even heard of Trump and that he assumed Barack Obama was still in the White House.

“I have never seen this gentleman before, let alone, had any form of association or meetings with him,” he told Marr

Following some strong questioning from Marr, during which the BBC man produced a series of photographs showing the two men together on a number of occasions, the Prince seemed to alter his position markedly: “Look, I meet an awful lot of people in an awful lot of places. I can’t possibly be expected to remember everybody.

“In any case, it seems pretty clear that these photographs have been doctored in some way. Especially the ones showing us both being intimately massaged by Jeffrey Epstein and some naked teen girls”

The under-fire Prince received another body blow yesterday when a Thai brothel in Whitechapel in East London removed their ‘By Royal Appointment’ logo from their headed notepaper.

Pie & Eel Records Present:

prince andrew sings

“An extremely shifty triumph – Melody Maker

“A masterpiece of entitled lying and waffling” – NME

“Uneasy listening” – Mother & Baby Monthly

“Who the f**k is he trying to kid? – The Archbishop of Canterbury

“A little pizza musical heaven” – Pun World

Available in a seedy, mucky book shop near you and also on the dark web.

Prince Andrew to Enter The Jungle as I’m A Celeb ‘Latecomer’

See the source image
“I say, could one direct one to Wichetty Grub Express?”

Following yesterday’s announcement that he will be withdrawing from all public duties, beleaguered royal, Prince Andrew, has been unveiled as one of the so-called, ‘Latecomers’ on the hit TV reality show, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

The 59-year-old prince is believed to be hoping that the publicity will be good for his shattered image and that the public will warm to him and forget the fact that he hangs out with paedophiles, has sex with underage females and then lies about the whole shebang on national television.

It is understood that he has received assurances from the show’s producers that he won’t be made to eat any creepy-crawlies that have not been prepared by his personal chef, and that his tormentor-in-chief during his recent, ‘car crash’ interview, Emily Maitlis, won’t be joining the contestants at any point in the future.

The show’s presenters, Ant and Dec, were delighted to learn of the prince’s imminent arrival and joked: “At least the others won’t have to worry about him pinching their deodorants”

A spokesman for the Royal Family gave a brief statement last night: “Her Majesty, The Queen, has given her permission for Prince Andrew to take part in the show on the understanding that no young girls are present and that His Royal Highness keeps his mouth shut about Prince Philip’s sexual misdemeanours and also her late sister, Princess Margaret’s over-fondness for pre-pubescent East London chimney sweeps in the 1940s”

The prince will be entering the jungle later today, although it is understood that he has been refused permission to pilot the helicopter or to stop en route for a pizza.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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