The Whitechapel Whelk

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Prince Philip

I’ll sacrifice a Sumatran gibbon to honour the life of Prince Philip. vows Meghan

Prince Philip and Meghan pictured in happier times before he checked out

Meghan Markle last night told reporters that she intends to sacrifice a live Sumatran gibbon on an alter in her back garden to commemorate the life of The Duke of Edinburgh, whose funeral takes place inside the grounds of Windsor Castle this afternoon.

The Duchess of Sussex, who is unable to attend in person due to her pregnancy, said: “Prince Philip was always pretty nice to me in actual fact.

“I expected him to give me a hard time over the fact that I’m mixed race but he never mentioned it once, although he did make a few jokes about fried chicken and neighbourhood gang membership.

“A friend of mine with a private zoo is supplying the gibbon and I hope to sacrifice it at the same moment that the Call To Arms is being sounded in the chapel at Windsor while he lies there in his coffin.”

The move has met with some criticism, however, with The Times of London calling it, ‘ill-advised’, while the Daily Mail, a long-term critic of The Duchess, called it, ‘A disgusting and  desperate bid to steal the limelight while at the same time increasing the plight of a critically endangered species”

In 2002, the Duchess of Windsor, Wallace Simpson, came under fire for slitting the throat of a Bahamian virgin on the steps of Westminster Abbey during the funeral service of Princess Margaret.

Six die in fires and looting as leaderless Edinburgh descends into chaos

The former Dukedom of Edinburgh pictured in bad shape last night

Six people were reported to have been killed in lawless scenes last night following the death of the Duke of Edinburgh.

Buildings were torched and businesses and shops in Edinburgh city centre were looted as a mob consisting of people of all ages ran amok less than an hour after the ninety-nine-year-old Duke was pronounced dead.

A Scottish Police spokesman told reporters: “Prince Philip’s death has left a power vacuum that these lawless folk are exploiting.

“We are hoping that a new Duke will be appointed soon so that law and order can be restored”

During his Dukedom, Prince Philip and a small force of around fifty handpicked men armed with billy clubs and antique swords would patrol the streets of Scotland’s capital nightly, administering swift justice to any lawbreakers.

The Duke is rumoured to have personally killed over thirty miscreants during his seventy-year tenure as well as despatching countless stray cats and dogs with his elephant gun during his nightly patrols.

Tributes came flooding in following the announcement of his death yesterday afternoon, including one from Scottish pop icon, Rod Stewart who posted on his website: “The morning sun, when it’s in your face really showed your age but that didn’t worry me none, in my eyes you were everything”.

The Duke’s funeral will be next Tuesday when the press will be poised to castigate Meghan Markle for either not showing up, not looking grief-stricken enough, or for risking the lives of Will’s and Kate’s kids by having mashed avocado on toast for breakfast.

SPORTS UPDATE: Prince Philip transferred to Arsenal

Up the royal Arse! Prince Philip pictured in determined mood at Arsenal’s training ground yesterday

Buckingham Palace last night announced that The Duke of Edinburgh, who has just undergone a heart op at St Bartholemew’s Hospital in London, has been transferred to struggling soccer team, Arsenal, for an undisclosed fee.

The 99-year-old Duke is being drafted in to shore up a Gunners defence that has been leaking goals this season as the club has struggled to remain in mid-table under the stewardship of boss, Mikel Arteta, and who are currently languishing in a lowly 10th place in the Premier League.

Arteta told a press conference yesterday afternoon: “We are hoping that signing Prince Philip will help to turn our season around.

“He’s a much-needed old head with years of experience on the polo field, and also, in that sport where you sit in a cart with a rug over your knees while a horse pulls you along.

“We see him as a Tony Adams-type figure who will steady the ship at a critical time for us as we look to cement a place in the top nine.

“Although, we obviously hope that he won’t be getting as pissed as a parrot on lager and Jägerbombs every night like Tony used to in the 80s”

If the Duke does provide a much-needed boost to the struggling Gunners, he will mirror the feat of his mother, Princess Alice of Battenburg, whose injury-time diving header for East London giants, West Ham United, secured a famous win for The Hammers in the 1980 FA Cup Final at Wembley.

Meghan killed Cambridge’s dog using power of suggestion, says Daily Mail

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In a hard-hitting editorial, The Daily Mail newspaper has accused Meghan Markle of using the power of suggestion to kill the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s nine-year-old cocker spaniel, Lupo, (picture above) who passed away at the weekend.

The Mail’s leader claims that Markle willed the dog to die during a cocaine and booze-fulled sex romp with friends and family on Saturday night:

“Meghan has never liked that dog right from the word go and relished the chance to bring about its destruction through the power of suggestion while high on drink and drugs” the Mail claims

“We also think she may have caused Prince Archie to shit himself in the corner on his first day of school using the same method”

If proven, this will mirror the 1969 Daily Mirror revelation that Princess Margaret caused Prince Philip to experience erectile dysfunction every night while on his honeymoon with The Queen in 1947 using voodoo.

Prince Philip crashes into Arbroath

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The picturesque fishing port of Arbroath pictured just hours before Prince Philip crashed into it

There were fresh calls for The Duke of Edinburgh to be taken off of Britain’s roads last night as reports emerged that the 97-year-old had crashed his new Landrover Discovery into the Scottish town of Arbroath, causing thousands of pounds of damage to property and sinking a scallop fishing trawler in the harbour.

The Duke had apparently given royal protection officers the slip at The Queen’s Sandringham estate and had taken to the road at around midday on Tuesday, just days after his collision with another vehicle had injured 2 women.

Eyewitnesses said he crashed into the small fishing port at around 7.00 pm, hitting a public house, the local swimming baths and a number of residential homes before rolling the vehicle onto its roof on the deck of a fishing boat that was at the quayside unloading a cargo of scallops, causing it to sink to the bottom of the harbour.

The skipper of the vessel, Michael “Bucky” Doyle, 87, told newsmen: “He was quite apologetic when he climbed out of the motor.

“He asked me if I was alright and then offered me a fiver to keep my mouth shut.

“He told me he was momentarily blinded by the low sun, but I don’t see how that could be the case as it had gone down about 2 hours beforehand.

“He then said he was off to the pub and asked me to ring The Queen and tell her to pick him up.

“When I got through, The Queen was pretty angry and called him, a f*****g senile c**t.

“She arrived just before midnight and stormed into the pub with a face like thunder.

“The landlord told me that she tipped his pint over his head and started hitting him across the back with a horsewhip. She then tipped his fish supper into his lap before dragging him out to the motor”

Before last night’s dramatic events, Arbroath’s only previous claim to fame was the fact that it has more impotent males per square mile than any other place on earth.

‘Frail’ Prince Philip now communicating using a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp

A young woman pictured signalling to her boyfriend with an Aldis Lamp last night

A source close to the royal family yesterday revealed that The Duke of Edinburgh now has to communicate with family members and members of the royal household via a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp.

The frail Duke, now aged 112, can no longer speak, other than to utter the odd cuss word, and now uses the lamp exclusively from his bath chair or horse and carriage.

The palace insider told a magazine: “The Duke even uses his Aldis at the dinner table and got a rather lengthy telling-off from The Queen over Christmas dinner when he temporarily blinded her while complaining about the consistency of the plum pudding”

The Duke’s current plight mirrors that of Tsar Nicolas II of Russia who, in his later years, had to make small talk at royal functions using Morse Code.

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