The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888





UPDATE: The President has now been discharged from hospital following treatment for abrasions and exhaustion. A hospital spokesperson said last night: “What a weapons-grade throbber. Can you believe we elected this bozo because I sure as hell can’t” – Associated Press



Our sports editor used to be a prostitute. He had a small flat in Commercial Road from where he used to ply his trade. He packed it in after 6 months because his clientele kept putting their prices up – Ed

Local dwarf finds love with depraved woman of normal height


Devoted. The happy couple pose for snappers outside The Blind Beggar last night


A 32-year-old Whitechapel man who suffers from the genetic condition of dwarfism has told The Whelk how he has found love with a sexually insane woman of normal height after hooking up with her on a website which caters for people with deep-seated and wholly unacceptable sexual perversions.

Tobias Dell, a furniture porter, who stands just 3′ 4″ tall, told us: “I’d pretty much given up all hope of finding a loving partner who would be willing to share my life with me.

“I’d tried all the usual routes to romance; tea dances, going to bars, lonely hearts clubs and so on. I even tried speed-dating once but I couldn’t see over the edge of the table.

“Then, more out of desperation than anything, I joined, an online dating agency catering for people with depraved sexual urges.

“I’d only been a member for 10 minutes when this lady contacted me. She told me that she has a thing for small men and that I was right up her alley.

“Now, I visit her flat above a fruit and vegetable shop in Whitechapel Road every Tuesday afternoon where we have the most wonderful and fulfilling sex.

“She never fails to tell me how much she loves me afterwards and sometimes even gives me a 5 percent discount if I manage to get it over with fairly quickly.”

Disclaimer: The Whitechapel Whelk wishes to make it abundantly clear that we do not endorse prostitution or stunted growth in any way, shape, or form. As far as we’re concerned both of those things are a big no-no in our book.

Create a free website or blog at

Up ↑