The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Harry and Meghan’s newborn has 1 in 100 chance of becoming a crazed axe-murderer, says Daily Mail

harry and
Have they bred a monster? Harry and Meghan striking a demonic pose for snappers earlier

In a shocking and hard-hitting editorial yesterday, the Daily Mail newspaper has revealed that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s latest child has a one in a hundred chance of becoming a psychotic monster, that will at some point run amok with an axe, slaughtering every living creature in its path.

In its editorial yesterday, The Mail pointed to largely discredited statistics provided by a controversial American psychiatrist in 1953 which vaguely suggest that one per cent of the world’s population may display psychopathic tendencies on occasion.

Despite worldwide scepticism and condemnation of the findings by psychiatric bodies worldwide, The Mail points out: “This study is spot-on as far as we are concerned and the British public need to be aware that The Sussexes have potentially unleashed a killer onto the streets of this nation.

“Make no mistake, this mixed-race child is a massive threat to innocent, and still, largely-white, members of the public and we wouldn’t be at all surprised if this dusky-complexioned progeny of an unnatural marriage doesn’t embark on a crazed trail of bloody destruction armed with an axe at some point.

“We know for a fact, for instance, that The Queen is so alarmed by the prospect of being slashed and then slaughtered by this, black-as-the-ace-of-spades baby when it grows up, she has called for a special cage to be built inside Buckingham Palace so that the negroid-featured child can be restrained when it comes over for a visit with its darkie mother – when she can drag herself away from Marxist, BLM rallies and fried chicken-eating competitions that is”

In today’s leader, The Mail speculates on, what they see as, the increasing likelihood of both of William and Kate’s ‘reassuringly caucasian’ youngsters becoming living saints that will be borne unto Heaven by pink-cheeked, Aryan cherubim and seraphim at some point.

Right-Wing Couple Engage In Race War Following African Link Revelation

mike and shirley
Steeden and Blamey in happier times before finding out that they both had a touch of the tar brush

An extreme right-wing couple have been attacking each other with racist slurs since discovering that all of mankind can trace its roots back to the African continent.

Mike Steeden, 80, and his 40-year-old partner, Shirley Blamey, have been locked in a bitter race war since reading about man’s links to Africa in The Guardian newspaper.

The pair, have been racially abusing one another online and have even been taunting one another with monkey chants when one of them enters a room.

Steeden, a retired caretaker from Kentish Town in West London, told us: “We used to get on like a house on fire before I found out she was basically as black as the ace of spades.

“Now, I avoid being in the same room and don’t allow her to cook dinner in case she puts poison in the yams or flobs in the curry goat with rice and peas.

“Prior to reading that piece in the paper, I’d had no inkling that she was a bloody foreigner, much less, a damn wog.

“Now, I’m taking steps to have her joint tenancy agreement revoked so I can throw her out.

“Let her go and live in Brixton or Hoxton with her own kind”

Ms Blamey refused to be interviewed but we understand that she has starting daubing racist graffiti on Steeden’s car and has told friends that she had suspected something was not quite right when she noticed he was fairly good at basketball and dancing.

A notice has now gone up in the window of the boarding house they run in Southend in Essex: ‘NO DOGS, NO IRISH, NO BLACKS, NO US.’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Mike and Shirley are both dear friends of mine and I’m absolutely certain they won’t take exception to being portrayed as facist lunatics. In fact…BLAM!…*thud*


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A crisp fiver and a week’s holiday on Olly Murs’ big face for the lucky winner.

EDITORIAL COMMENT: Here at The Whelk, we have pondered, long and hard, the question of Meghan’s unpopularity with the British press and some members of the public, both here and across the pond. However, despite our best efforts, we simply can’t fathom what it is about the mixed-race actress that folks find so objectionable. It sure is a strange one.

Brexit woman ‘gutted’ as commemorative tea towel disintegrates during first wash

brexit bus

A 54-year-old woman from the north of England has expressed her dismay after the commemorative Brexit tea towel she had bought just days earlier fell to bits in the washing machine during its maiden wash.

Amanda Dann, a housewife and mother of two from Leeds, told the Yorkshire Post newspaper: “I was gutted when my Brexit tea towel fell to bits.

“It was a really nice one too with pictures of Nigel Farage and British bulldogs on it.

“It wasn’t cheap either. I paid fifty pounds for it from an online company called, The White

“They told me that half the money would be given to a pressure group dedicated to driving all the blacks into the sea.

“I can only assume it was made abroad. Probably Africa or one of those other EU countries.”

When it was pointed out to Mrs Dann that the product was manufactured in Barnsley she became red in the face and began repeatedly yelling, “You lost, get over it” before collapsing to the floor.

ADVISORY NOTE: If you’re not from London and want to attend the Brexit leaving party scheduled to take place in Parliament Square, here are some directions: Head south towards Oxford and keep going until you come to a big town with a river running through it and a happy, thriving, multicultural populace.

FOOTNOTE: Don’t try to find your way by heading towards the bongs of Big Ben. There ain’t gonna be any.

Local man brutally beaten by racists following bended knee marriage proposal misunderstanding


Asking for trouble. A man pictured throwing his life down the toilet earlier


A 22-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following a brutal beating from racist thugs who mistook his bended knee marriage proposal to his girlfriend for a gesture of support for the American sports stars who are currently protesting against racial injustice by ‘taking a┬áknee’ during the national anthem before games.

Jimmy Stack, a tyre-fitter from Leman Road, told The Whelk: “I had just gone down on one knee to ask my girlfriend Sharon to marry me in Victoria Park when a bunch of blokes came over and started beating me up.

“They were yelling that I was anti-Donald Trump and a disgrace to the white race. I couldn’t believe it to be honest with you. I mean to say, some of my best friends are white supremacists.

“To make matters worse, my girlfriend turned down my proposal and then dumped me as I was lying on the floor. She said I was a wimp and that I wouldn’t be capable of protecting her from muggers and rapists and so on”

In a similar incident last week, a 47-year-old West Indian man from neighbouring Spitalfields was set upon by a gang of black youths who accused him of trying to cover up his Afro-Caribbean roots as he walked home covered in concrete dust from the building site where he had been working earlier that day.

If you’ve been affected by any of the problems highlighted in this piece, try keeping your guard high, your chin tucked in and throw your body weight into your punches. Oh and stay single.

Warm weather sees first racists of spring trying to turn black.

sunburned man

Yesterday’s balmy spring weather saw thousands of British racists stripping off in gardens and parks the length and breadth of the country in a bid to darken their skins and become more like the people they would like to see thrown out of the country.

In London, a small group of Britain First members exposed their puffy, corpulent flesh to the warm spring sunshine; while in Leeds, over 20 UKIP supporters were spotted trying to turn black in a park close to the town hall.

One of their number, already sporting a red, peeling nose and wearing a “We took back control” baseball cap and a pair of Union Jack shorts, told us: “It’s our English birthright to make ourselves look as dark as possible so we look like Africans every time there’s a brief glimpse of the sun.

“Now that we’ve got our country back there’ll be a lot more sunshine to go round for us white people after the immigrants came over here and took most of it.

“You’ve only got to look at the bloody colour of ’em to see that”

Pedigree Scum: Pressure Group Calls For Ban on all Foreign Breeds of Dog Following French Poodle Attack



An internet pressure group, calling themselves, Brytish Buldogs Furst, are calling for a ban on all foreign breeds of dog in the United Kingdom following an incident at the weekend when a 57-year-old white woman from Whitechapel was bitten on the ankle by a French Poodle while taking an evening stroll in a local park.

A spokesman for the group issued The Whitechapel Whelk with a briefly worded statement written in green crayon:

“We at Britysh Bludogs Frist demarnd that awl the forren dogs ar roundid up and kylled until ownly Breetish Buldogz ar left. This cuntree is awlready two full ov owr own dogz wot was born here and we dont want immygrunt dogs cumming ovr hear and byting white peeple inn the street. Blulldogz arr owr herrytage and wee will fite to mayke shure no uvver dogz cum ere. Them wots already ere will be captchured and shot wiv guns until theirs nun left”

An angry crowd of Buldogs Furst supporters have already staged a rally outside Battersea Dog’s Home in London, where they are calling for the execution of all foreign breeds housed in the facility, and for the arrest and internment without trial of celebrity dog lover and female impersonator, Paul O’ Grady.

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