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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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relationships

Londoner suffers fatal stroke following northerner’s attempt to strike up conversation on bus

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A 45-year-old London man was killed instantly by a fatal stroke yesterday when a man from the north of England tried to begin a conversation just moments after sitting down next to the deceased man on a Number 24 bus from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath

Witnesses say the northerner seemed to target the lone male who was on his way to work in Charing Cross when the incident occurred.

A woman on board at the time told us: “He just sat down next to this poor man and began chatting.

“It was devasting to witness and it’ll be a long time before I can get the imagery of that northerner’s face out of my head

“He even seemed to be smiling while he did it, for God’s sake”

The attacker was overpowered by fellow passengers and handed over to police, who wrestled the man to the ground and handcuffed him before taking him to Ebury Bridge police station where he remains in police custody awaiting an appearance at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday morning, charged with affray, resisting arrest, manslaughter and overfamiliarity.

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Spitalfields in East London, died in the arms of fellow commuters when a man from Sheffield in South Yorkshire approached her on the platform of Shadwell tube station and reportedly said: “‘ow do missus. It’s turned out reet nice again ah see”

Editor’s Note: It’s a complete myth that Northerners are warm and friendly while Londoners are taciturn and rude. Now get out, the lot of you! GO ON! GET OUT!

Local woman ‘delighted’ with husband’s cement mixer birthday gift

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Cementing their relationship. Mrs Dell’s birthday gift pictured last night

A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she was extremely pleased when her husband gave her a cement mixer for her birthday last week.

Tracy Dell, a housewife from Commercial Street, told us: “When my husband, Toby, told me to cover my eyes while he led me out into the garden on my birthday I knew I was in for something a bit special.

“When he finally said it was ok to look and I saw that cement mixer on the garden path I was speechless, to be honest

“Then, when he explained that he was going to use it to build a retaining wall for the woman next door, I was so overcome I broke down and wept.

“He’d even bought me two sacks of Portland cement and 5 of builder’s sand to go with it, the darling”

We asked to speak to Mr Dell but Mrs Dell explained that he’d gone on holiday for a rest and wouldn’t be back for quite some time.

She did show us her brand new patio though, explaining that her husband had put his ‘body and soul’ into building it.

This piece is based on a true story told to us by our graphics editor, whose dad once bought her mum a cement mixer for Christmas. He later made up for it by getting her a TV aerial for her birthday. I don’t know if he suffered the same fate as Mr Dell, however. She became evasive when questioned further – Ed

CHILDREN’S CORNER

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©Children’s Corner is sponsored by the Nancy Pelosi Demented Republican-Baiter’s League

Local woman’s hairy toe discovery led to murder

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A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman killed her partner in cold blood after discovering a small clump of dark hairs on her big toe, an Old Bailey jury was told yesterday.

Tracy Ree, a legal secretary from Dock Street, attacked her partner, Toby Dell, 27, a self-employed forklift truck mechanic, with an axe after making the discovery on the evening of June 16 last year.

Prosecuting counsel, Carter Shay QC, told the court that Ms Ree had complained to the deceased after spotting the hairs and that he’d made light of the issue, calling her, Big Foot, and, Hairy Mary.

The plaintiff then allegedly flew into a murderous rage and attacked Mr Dell with an axe, severing his head and one of his legs.

The court heard that Ms Ree then tried to dispose of his body by dismembering the corpse and boiling the body parts on the stove.

The cooked remains were then left out in the street for urban foxes and local stray dogs to consume.

However, police were alerted when a West Highland Terrier belonging to a neighbour came home with one of Mr Dell’s arms in its jaws.

The neighbour concerned immediately called the police after recognising one of Mr Dell’s tattoos.

The case continues

In other news, a 23-year-old woman from Cripplegate in East London was sentenced to a full life term yesterday after a court found her guilty of dissolving her husband in a vat of sulphuric acid after shooting him dead for laughing at her new hairdo.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Politics

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DISCLAIMER: No Old Etonian toffs or silly dancers were harmed during the conception and construction of this meme – Ed

‘Frail’ Prince Philip now communicating using a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp

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A young woman pictured signalling to her boyfriend with an Aldis Lamp last night

A source close to the royal family yesterday revealed that The Duke of Edinburgh now has to communicate with family members and members of the royal household via a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp.

The frail Duke, now aged 112, can no longer speak, other than to utter the odd cuss word, and now uses the lamp exclusively from his bath chair or horse and carriage.

The palace insider told a magazine: “The Duke even uses his Aldis at the dinner table and got a rather lengthy telling-off from The Queen over Christmas dinner when he temporarily blinded her while complaining about the consistency of the plum pudding”

The Duke’s current plight mirrors that of Tsar Nicolas II of Russia who, in his later years, had to make small talk at royal functions using Morse Code.

Number of attractive women desperate to have sex with losers from the internet set to soar in 2019

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Attractive women, some with brazen watermarks signalling their desperation, pictured in predatory mood last night

A recent report suggests that the number of women who are desperately keen to sleep with random men who make contact with them on the internet is set to soar in 2019.

This spells bad news for men right across the globe who are already under siege from the barrage of attractive women, desperate to have sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry that makes contact with them online, irrespective of looks, weight, disposition or personal hygiene.

A spokesman for Cambridge University in England, who conducted the survey, said last night: “Already we have seen a huge upsurge in the numbers of women who are mad keen on getting down to business with no-mark douchebags and unsavoury chancers who sidle up to them online and make inappropriate remarks.

“Our findings indicate that the vast majority of these women are already naked, or, at the very least, scantily clad in French maid’s outfits, when they go online, desperate to find some unwashed limpdick scumbag to give them the good news”

These latest findings mirror those of a recent survey conducted by The University of London which revealed that Britain’s full-breasted beauties are desperately keen to be sent a lot more pictures of men’s penises.

CLASSIC LITERATURE

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NEXT WEEK: The little Trump supporters lynch a family of wetbacks on the front porch

Tickled woman develops murderous hatred towards man doing the tickling

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A tickled woman pictured handing out the summary justice

The Whelk has learned that a 32-year-old woman developed feelings of undiluted psychotic hatred towards a work colleague who tickled her beneath both arms while she was sitting at her desk.

Tracy Dell, a systems analyst for Whitechapel Holdings Ltd, told a Whelk reporter that if she had been carrying a gun and was guaranteed impunity, she would have cheerfully shot the man in his face.

“This cretin thinks he’s a funny guy and is always playing so-called jokes on other staff members.

“He does stuff like putting glue on door handles, stretching clingfilm over the toilet bowl and generally acting the giddy arseole.

“The moment he began tickling me under the arms I felt this all-consuming rage well up in me.

“Make no mistake, I would have gunned this chump down like a dog if I thought I could have gotten away with it.

“He even made a noise while he was doing it. A kind of dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga, deal.

“Even now, I get incensed just thinking about. This fool deserves to die and to die real slow in my view”

A spokesman for the company told us yesterday: “Yes, this employee can be a little boisterous and can, on occasion, overstep the boundaries but he’s still the best company padre we’ve ever had”

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