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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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relationships

New doubts cast on suitability of female pilots

male and female pilots

The Whelk would like to make it plain that we are 100 per cent in favour of equality in the workplace, although we do feel that it might be for the best if lady pilots left it to the blokes to reverse the plane into the disembarking bays after landing – Ed

LIFESTYLE

house on the prairie

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece I strongly suggest that you take a long, hard look at yourself – Ed

Meghan and Kate come to blows following ‘Vinegar Tits’ jibe

meghan_kate

It’s been alleged that The Duchess of Cambridge and her sister-in-law, The Duchess of Sussex had a bruising fist fight in the grounds of Kensington Palace last week following a remark by the former when she referred to the American ex-actress as, ‘vinegar tits’ after she had scolded one of the servants at the palace.

A royal insider revealed: “It was a real tear-up. Kate called Meghan a miserable colonial slag and vinegar tits after Meghan had coated off one of the servants for turning up late with her afternoon bottle of Jim Beam.

“Meghan fronted her up and they went outside for an up-and-a-downer. It was a pretty tasty ruck, I don’t mind telling you.

“Fortunately, The Queen spotted them pulling each other’s hair in the garden out of an upstairs window and told them to leave it out or she’d take their titles away and they wouldn’t be allowed to come to Sandringham for the Christmas drink up”

This is not the first time royal sisters-in-law have been involved in a violent confrontation. In 1995, Sarah Ferguson and Princess Diana had a vicious 20-minute scrap in the quadrangle of Buckingham Palace after Diana called Fergie, “a fat turd” and “The Duchess of Pork”, following a drunken jibe from Sarah when she called Di, a “big nosed bint”, after a boozy luncheon in The State Room at Windsor Castle.

I fantasise about fat middle-aged men in string vests says, Mrs Tom Hardy

tom hardy 2
A badly out-of-shape Hardy pictured looking as rough as a badger’s arse last night

The wife of hunky actor, Tom Hardy, has told a magazine that she routinely thinks about overweight middle-aged men in grimy underwear during lovemaking bouts with her sex symbol husband.

Mrs Charlotte Hardy, 35, told OK magazine: “The only reason I stay with Tom is for the money. If he was skint, I’d leave him like a shot”

“I know millions of women envy me and think that he’s a real babe, but to me, he looks like shit on a stick.

“To be honest, when Tom gets fruity in bed and hops on board, I switch the bedside lamp off so that I don’t have to look at his sweaty dial and then imagine I’m being ravished by a 56-year-old furniture porter from Shoreditch, wearing a greasy string vest and really baggy Y-Front Jockey underpants.

“To spice up our love life a bit, I even ordered a string vest and pants set from my catalogue and asked Tom to wear them during a scuttling, but he’s not having it”

Mrs Hardy’s confession comes just a month after the wife of Hollywood dreamboat, George Clooney, told Hello magazine that she puts a bag over his head before sex and imagines that she’s getting the good news from one of the vagrants who live under the Hammersmith flyover.

Local lovers call for beds to be installed in The Limehouse Link Tunnel

limehouse
A rumpy-pumpy-free section of The Limehouse Link pictured last night

Over a thousand young men and women from across East London have signed a petition calling for double beds to be installed at regular intervals along the one and a half mile length of The Limehouse Link Tunnel, which links the northern approach to Tower Bridge to London’s Docklands.

The youngsters feel that their desires have been sidelined and that the lack of lovemaking facilities in the tunnel contravenes their human rights.

The leader of the pressure group, ‘Tunnel of Love’, Toby Dell, 23, told us: “It’s an absolute disgrace that young people are expected to walk all that way in the darkness and with all those poisonous lorry fumes with nowhere to stop to have sex.

“I walked through with my girlfriend last week and she became so desperate after half an hour she had to masturbate to completion just before the turnoff for Tilbury Dock.

“Surely it’s not too much to ask for proper provisions to be made so that the young people of the East End have somewhere to indulge in a good scuttling on what is a pretty arduous and monotonous journey”

This move comes just a year after the London Borough of Tower Hamlets installed male prostitutes at 100-metre intervals along the length of the Rotherhithe Tunnel to cater for the district’s gay community.

Wife became nauseated by husband’s nasal hair issues during talk about Trump

Nose-Hair
Nasal and Aural hair. Attractive or a turn-off? Your call.

A 25-year-old East London woman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she was filled with disgust and righteous fury at her husband’s protruding nasal hair during a brief discussion at their home about United States President, Donald Trump.

Speaking to us from her home in Thrawl Street in Spitalfields, Tracy Dell, told us: “He was explaining to me that President Trump is not as bad as people say.

“He was saying that he gets a raw deal from the left-leaning media and that he’s just a hardworking president, trying to do his best for the country he loves.

“After a few minutes, I noticed that he had these black hairs sticking out of both nostrils.

“I felt sick to my stomach, to be honest with you.

“It’s one thing to be married to a half-witted bigot, but when the bloke’s a hairy-nosed arsehole as well, it goes beyond the pale”

Mrs Dell plans to divorce her husband as soon as possible and has now entered into a sexual relationship with an extreme left-wing activist from neighbouring Shoreditch, for whom she has already bought a battery-powered nose groomer.

LOVE & LIFESTYLE

gay vet

If you’ve been affected by any of the implied issues raised by this spoof book cover, particularly with regard to members of the animal kingdom, please leave your name and address at our office in Whitechapel High Street and we’ll pass it on to the authorities – Ed

WHITE HOUSE INSIDER LATEST

trump melania

NEXT WEEK: White House Insider gets the lowdown on Rudy Giuliani’s 5-hour beauty routine

SHOWBIZ NEWS

cowell (black)

NEXT WEEK: Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ heritage search reveals that she’s a direct descendant of a troupe of Sumatran gibbons, famous for their screeching night calls and for telling outrageous lies to one another during their mutual grooming sessions.

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