Capital Punishment Monthly is a Fully Paid-Up Nasty Bastard Publication©
Capital Punishment Monthly is a Fully Paid-Up Nasty Bastard Publication©
It was revealed yesterday, that all the staff and pupils at a secondary school in East London have at one time seen each other’s genitalia on various social media platforms such as Snapchat and WhatsApp.
The school newspaper, The Whitechapel Academy Bugle, made the findings after an intensive survey carried out over 12 weeks.
The paper’s editor-in-chief, Toby Dell, 16, revealed: ‘It’s absolutely normal for kids to post pics of their cocks and growlers online these days and for them to be passed around the school, but we were a bit surprised to find the staff were at it too.
“In fact, some of the younger staff members were in pretty decent nick it has to be said.
“Miss Wickstead, the PE mistress had a cracking set of bangers on her, as did, Mrs Parkes, the art teacher, although, to be honest, she could do with trimming that quim a tad.”
The Headteacher, Terence Carter, 63, has now resigned his post after being subjected to online bullying from a number of parents who were less than impressed by the size of his cock.
Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.
A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.
“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.
“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.
“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.
“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”
This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.
Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.
Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.
“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.
“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners
“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”
Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.
EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.
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The island of Gibraltar will be abandoned to the Spanish and rebuilt on the big face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, in the event of a no-deal Brexit, it has been revealed.
A Foreign Ofice spokesman told newsmen last night: “If we leave the EU without a deal on the 29th of March, the government will give up Gibraltar to the Spanish and rebuild the territory in its entirety on Olly Murs’ big face.
“The capital, Gibraltar, will be constructed on his enormous forehead, while the other small towns will be dotted around other parts of his massive face.
“Olly will then be towed out to sea by tugs before being anchored somewhere in the English Channel where we can keep an eye on him and where sovereignty won’t be an issue”
“The population of 35,000 will then be shipped out to his face to begin a new life”
Murs himself was unavailable for comment as he is in rehearsal for a series of concerts in various northern holiday resorts, but his mother, Beryl, 97, said last night: “Olly is absolutely delighted and is really looking forward to a small British territory being set up on his gigantic dial.
“He’s made his father and me very proud, I don’t mind telling you”
The government last night denied growing rumours that Murs had objected to Gibraltar’s famous monkey population being moved onto his face on the grounds that they might go up his nose and swing on the hairs
The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,
However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed
In a surprise move, entertainer and chat show host, Des O’Connor has announced that he has converted to the Islamic faith and now wishes to be known as, Abdullah Yusuf Ali Khan.
The 107-year-old, Dick A Dum Dum star told newsmen: “I’ve been looking for a new direction for some time now.
“When Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise passed away I felt as if my whole world had collapsed and I turned to religion to help me get through those dark days.
“I tried Catholicism, Buddhism, Taoism, and even had a short stint as a Jehovah’s Witness, but I never really found fulfilment with any of them, to be honest.
“The Jehovah’s Witness period was probably the worst and I’d regularly come home with black eyes or covered in piss that people had thrown over me from upstairs windows.
“So, I’ve decided to embrace Allah in the hope that I’ll find peace within the teachings of The Holy Quoran.
“Not only that, if I get radicalised, I might get commisioned to carry out a suicide atrocity and end up bollocks deep in 72 virgins.”
O’Connors move has met with criticism from other members of the entertainment world, with Scottish pop icon, Lulu, describing it as “bizarre”, and Sporty Spice describing him as “a fucking idiot”
We have used the front page of a magazine that will be running this story at some point:
a) Because it’s better than anything we could hope to come up with
b) Because it saves us the aggravation of sorting out a smudge to accompany the copy – Ed