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Jeremy Corbyn crucifies himself in Whitechapel

Corbyn on Cross a
Nailing it. Corbyn pictured yesterday with old comrade and Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell

 

Under-fire Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has crucified himself in Whitechapel’s, Commercial Road, in a bid to allay suspicions that he harbours anti-semitic opinions.

Corbyn, who had managed to nail himself to a large cross in front of The Lord High Admiral pub, was finally lowered to the ground this morning by commuters on their way to work.

He was then taken to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where he is being treated for wounds to his hands and feet and dehydration.

Labour Party deputy leader, Tom Watson, told newsmen earlier: “If this doesn’t prove that Jeremy hasn’t got it in for the Jews then I don’t know what will.

“I spoke to him this morning and the only thing he’s annoyed about is the fact that he forgot to plunge the spear into his side before he nailed himself up.”

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after Theresa May put on blackface and performed ‘Old Man River’ in a local production of Showboat to prove she’s got nothing against African immigrants.

Archaeological Bombshell: Ginger Rogers played the accordion at The Last Supper claim theologians

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An ancient photograph taken by St James at The Last Supper showing Rogers in fine form.

 

The Royal London Society of Theologians last night made the sensational claim that 1940’s film legend, Ginger Rogers, played a medley of tunes on the piano accordion at the final gathering of Christ and his disciples, known as, The Last Supper, before His arrest and crucifixion by the Romans.

Rogers, whose true age has never been verified but who is believed to have been in her early thirties at the time, played a medley of sea shanties, including, Hearts of Oak, Anchors Aweigh, and Blow The Man Down.

Verification has now been confirmed following the discovery of a scroll believed to have been written by St Thomas, in which he states: “We were all feeling a bit depressed because it was The Last Supper, so when Ginger turned up and played a few shanties, it was just what the doctor ordered.

“A couple of the lads even got up and had a little dance, and even Jesus was tapping his foot under the table”

It is not known at this time whether Rogers was hired by one of The Disciples beforehand or whether she was a part of the in-house entertainment laid on by the inn.

This latest revelation comes just a year after a 2000-year-old document revealed that iconic song and dance man, Sammy Davis Junior, sang, Hit The Road Jack, and the theme tune from Rawhide, during Christ’s appearance before Pontius Pilate on charges of sedition and vandalising the temple.

Zen News Featuring Special Guest Philosopher, Confucious

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Confucious is the sports editor of the Donald Trump and Rudy Guiliani Chomping Fascist Bugle. But for how long?

Vatican hails miracle as BBC TV listings appear on local man’s penis

 

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A TV guide believed to be similar to the one that appeared on Mr Dell’s cock

 

The Vatican is set to beatify a Whitechapel man after last Tuesday’s BBC TV listings appeared on his penis.

Toby Dell, 52, a forklift truck mechanic from Vallance Road, spotted the phenomena last Tuesday morning while emptying his bladder

“I couldn’t believe it,” he told The Whelk. “The BBC telly listings just appeared on my nob as if by magic.

“They were all there, both BBC 1 and 2, although BBC 4 wasn’t on it, probably because it’s on cable.

“I had a look on the underside to see if the ITV programmes were on there but it was bare

“It came in handy that evening as my missus had forgotten to get a paper so we just checked my cory to see what was on next.”

The Vatican now plan to have Mr Dell beatified as a bringer of miracles, alongside Mother Theresa, Pope John Paul II, and roly-poly BBC Radio London presenter, Vanessa Feltz, who, in 2002, had the entire week’s Christmas TV schedule, including the satellite and cable listings, appear on one of the cheeks of her arse.

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Fragment of The True Cross discovered in local man’s colon.

 

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The True Cross pictured in the olden days. (image courtesy of The Jerusalem Bugle) 

 

 

The world of religious artefacts was turned upside down yesterday when a fragment of wood removed from the colon of a Whitechapel van driver was authenticated by experts as being a piece of the cross on which Jesus Christ was crucified over 2000 years ago; the so-called, ‘True Cross’.

The surgeon who removed the fragment, Dr Toby Dell, 47, told reporters: “This gentleman was referred to me complaining of lower bowel pain.

“I spotted a foreign body on the x-ray and removed it from his colon with forceps under a local anaesthetic

“I knew immediately that it was a piece of The True Cross because a blinding light suddenly flooded the consulting room and I could see a number of cherubim and seraphim floating around above us.

“I immediately called The British Museum and they sent a man round who verified its authenticity almost straight away.

“I’m now hoping to sell it to The Vatican and take the wife off on a cruise around the Greek islands for a couple of weeks”

This remarkable discovery comes just 2 months after a thread from The Virgin Mary’s dressing gown was found during a routine endoscopy examination down the penis of a 25-year-old bricklayer from Shadwell.

If you’ve been affected by any of the events in the above piece you are either Jesus or you have a religious artefact inside your body. In either event, you should go to The Vatican immediately as there could well be a few quid in it for you – Ed.

McGregor challenges Dalai Lama to megabucks Vegas ‘pray-off’

 

dalai lama boxing
A defiant Lama responds to McGregor’s challenge last night

Newly-defeated mixed martial arts fighter, Conor McGregor, last night roared out a defiant challenge to Tibetan spiritual leader, The Dalai Lama, calling for the 67-year-old Buddhist monk to meet him in a monastery of his choice for a bumper pay day, no-prayer wheels-barred, ‘pray-off’ for the right to be called the devoutest unarmed man on the planet.

Speaking to the press just hours after he was bludgeoned to defeat in Las Vegas by 40-year-old American ring legend, Floyd Mayweather, McGregor was in no mood to take prisoners:

“If The Dalai Lama thinks he’s such a spiritual hotshot then I’m prepared to give him an education in theological devotion.

“I’ll out-pray this Tibetan bitch in his own backyard if that’s what it takes. I’m going to show the world, that even though Mayweather handed me a can of Whup Ass in the ring when it comes to offering up devotions to a higher power, I’m the fucking daddy.”

Lama, undefeated after 60 years in the temple, last night responded to McGregor’s challenge in typically outspoken style.

Speaking from his training camp in The Himalayas, where he’s preparing for a multi-million dollar, one-on-one theological debate with The Chief Rabbi, he told reporters: “If the money’s right I’ll be ready for this chump, no question. It’ll be a pleasure to kick his ass in front of his own omnipotent deity”

If the two camps can reach an agreement, this will be the biggest and most eagerly-awaited religious tear-up since Archbishop Robert Runcie stopped The Ayatollah Khomeini after 14 gruelling rounds of spiritual contemplation and chanting in Caesar’s Palace in Tehran in 1982.

The face of Christ appears on Bruce Willis’s Die Hard vest

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Jesus pictured in the olden days

According to an American collector of classic film memorabilia, a clear depiction of the face of Christ has appeared on the vest which Bruce Willis wore during the action scenes in his smash hit movie, Die Hard.

Toby Dell III, 65, from Venice Beach, California, told newsmen: “I was having a look through some of the memorabilia that I’ve collected down the years and stumbled upon Bruce Willis’s vest.

To my amazement, one of the oil stains that was sustained when he was hanging upside down under an airplane had formed into the face of Jesus.

“I immediately fell to my knees and gave thanks to God for this clear sign that our Redeemer lives”

When asked to produce the vest for authentification, he told reporters that his wife had put it in the wash thinking it was one of his own that he’d worn to fix the car and that the face of Jesus was now no longer there.

If proven to be true, this phenomenon could be the most significant religious event since a London motor mechanic saw the face of The Virgin Mary in a grease stain on the buttocks of his apprentice after the youngster had made a mess of a clutch overhaul and the man had pulled his trousers down prior to a punishment branding  with an oxy/acetylene cutting torch.

The Passion of Harrison Ford: Actor to Become ‘Human Cross’

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Hands Hole Oh! Ford poses for snappers last night before having people nailed to him

In a surprise move, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has told friends that he will be tackling his toughest ever role this Easter when he will double as a ‘human cross’ and invite people to be nailed to him outside his home in Palm Beach, Florida.

Ford told reporters last night: “I’ve always been a deeply religious man, so what better way to express my faith than to pretend to be a cross and to have members of the public nailed to me outside my home”

The Star Wars actor plans to be driven two feet into the ground where he will adopt a ‘crucifix’ pose, similar to that of a scarecrow in a field.

People will then be nailed to the actor for short periods, after which, they will be asked to put their loose change in a tin positioned at the star’s feet.

The move has attracted criticism from Christian church leaders, however, with The Archbishop of Canterbury calling it: “Exploitative and a blasphemous outrage”. While The Pope urged people to boycott what he called the actor’s “cynical attempt to cash in on Christ’s suffering.”

“I know his acting is pretty wooden, even at the best of times,” he said last night, “But this is just taking the piss”

Ford’s announcement mirrors a similar move by Oscar-winning actress, Meryl Streep, who, last Easter Monday, had herself fired into space attached to a rocket in what she claimed was a tribute to Jesus’s ascension to Heaven.

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