The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Slow-walking woman in supermarket a real piece of crap: Local man’s snap judgement

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A supermarket, clearly not in inner-city London pictured last night

A woman who walked slowly in front of a 42-year-old Whitechapel man in his local supermarket was a real piece of crap according to a snap judgement he made at the time

Toby Dell from Commercial Street, told us last night: “This woman entered the store at the same time as me and I realised at once she was going to be a real problem.

“She began walking slowly in front of me with her trolley angled so that I couldn’t get past.

“When she finally stopped to choose some loose bananas, I managed to squeeze past, only to find this bitch had once again overtaken me while I was putting some Greek yoghurt and cottage cheese in my trolley at the cold section

The piece of human garbage then started crawling along at a snail’s pace in front of me once again, occasionally stopping to faff about endlessly while choosing an item from the shelves.

“It was at this point that I judged her to be a real piece of crap and somebody I would cheerfully empty a revolver into if I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for it”

Mr Dell’s assessment comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Shadwell told us, that, in her view, a man who held her up in the newsagent by counting out his small change on the counter was “a fucking arseole that should have been drowned in a bucket at birth”

Local man realises he has what it takes to slay unruly child pushing junior supermarket trolley


A 47-year-old Whitechapel man last night told us that a 7-year-old child who was running around a local supermarket with one of the small trolleys made available by the store for youngsters, deserved to die and that he was just the man to get the job done.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer spoke to The Whelk from his home in Vallance Road: “This kid was racing up and down the aisles with this miniature trolley like an absolute bastard.

“He narrowly missed colliding with my own trolley on a couple of occasions and almost ran over my foot as I was heading for the checkout.

“It was at this point that I realised that he deserved to die and that I would be more than happy to get the job squared away myself.

“It’s not that often that I feel murderous intent towards kids, but I swear to God I would have pulled a gun and blasted this piece of crap to absolute fuck if I’d thought I would get away with it”

The manager of the Lidl store in question told us last night: “I can understand where Mr Dell is coming from on this one.

“I’ve never been keen on the idea of junior trolleys and knew all along that it would induce murderous hatred in some of our customers.

“I’ve even felt like smashing one or two of the little scumbags over the head with a hammer myself”

If you’ve ever felt like bludgeoning a small child to death in a supermarket we don’t blame you one iota -Ed.

Man with broom in supermarket trolley kills 9

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A brush with death.  A potential killer broom pictured yesterday

A Whitechapel man was held by police outside a local branch of Lidl yesterday afternoon after the new broom that he’d placed in his trolley killed nine of his fellow shoppers and partially blinded two.

Toby Dell, 43, from Cable Street, wreaked havoc in the store as he swung his trolley from aisle to aisle in a series of tight turns, causing the broom’s handle to strike the unfortunate shoppers on the head, resulting in their deaths from head trauma, while gouging the eyes from two more.

An eye witness told newsmen last night: “He seemed totally unaware that he was killing people and lined up to pay for his shopping as if nothing had happened.

“He even had a laugh and a joke with the guy on the till when he couldn’t remember his PIN number”

A spokesman for Lidl said last night: “This is most regrettable. We had a similar problem at our branch in Shoreditch the other week when a woman killed five people with a pair of long-handled garden shears that were sticking out of the front of her trolley.”

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court tomorrow charged with manslaughter, reckless endangerment and parking in a disabled bay

Fat b*****d and his dopey-looking wife somehow conspire to irritate local man throughout entire 1-hour shopping trip


A Whitechapel man has told The Whelk, that during a recent shopping trip to a local branch of Lidl, an overweight man and his gormless-looking wife got on his nerves throughout the entire 1-hour duration of his visit.

Toby Dell, 53, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “As soon as I arrived, this fat turd and his missus began getting in my way

“They were constantly blocking the aisle with their trolley, and when they weren’t doing that, the big-bellied bleeder was standing in front of the section I wanted to get to.

“His old woman looked like some kind of bumbling half-wit and was just tooling along beside him like Igor in a frock, making it even more difficult to get past.

“I tried visiting other aisles, but they seemed to be everywhere, a bit like God.

“Eventually, I got to the checkout and the bastards were right in front of me with enough stuff in their trolley to have fed and watered the entire British army throughout the Napoleonic Wars.

“Then, after they’d spent about half an hour packing their stuff into carrier bags, the poxy wife started sorting through her handbag for money-off coupons.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that if I’d been carrying a gun I would have shot them both down in cold blood”

A spokesman for the supermarket told us: “We’re extremely sorry to hear that this gentleman’s shopping experience was ruined by this fat bastard and his wife, but, unfortunately, we have to accommodate everybody, even irritating fucknuts like these two appear to be”

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