royal family

Government presses for royal belt-tightening as Queen spends £13.50 in public house


A government financial body has urged the royal household to kerb excessive spending as it was revealed that The Queen, accompanied by Prince Philip, spent £13.75 last Saturday night in a local pub close to Sandringham where the couple are spending the festive season.

The House Of Commons Accounts Committee issued a statement last night strongly criticising the use of public funds by Her Majesty, on what they describe as, “frivolous jaunts”

The report alleges that The Queen splashed out £13.50 on 2 pints of light and bitter and a Sambuca “Depth Charge” cocktail, while the Duke spent almost £30 on pints of snakebite

Her Majesty then went on to play 3 games of bar billiards with her husband, costing 50p a frame.

The Committee’s statement also made the claim that Prince Philip had a number of unsuccessful goes on the fruit machine costing a further £3.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace told reporters last night:

“Yes it’s correct that Her Majesty and The Duke Of Edinburgh went out for a quiet drink down their local last Saturday and that a small sum was spent on drink and a couple of pub games

“However, what the people of this country should also know is that The Duke had earlier won £40 on the horses for an outlay of just £10 on a 4/1 shot at Kempton Park and that it was this money that was used to fund the night out and not monies from the public purse”

He then left without taking questions as journalists pressed him on alleged claims that Prince Philip had also spent £2.00 on a packet of strawberry flavoured condoms in the gents toilets and that they’d both had a large doner kebab with salad and chilli sauce in the cab on the way home costing a whopping £8.90

Royal Family to Spend Xmas on Olly Murs’ Big Face

olly meme

Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty The Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A Palace spokesman told reporters that The Queen is fed up with spending every Christmas at Balmoral and fancied a change.

“Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she will be spending Christmas on Olly Murs’s big face and will remain there until January 2 when she will return to Windsor Castle to recover from the drink for a day or two”

It is understood that the Queen and Prince Philip will be spending the nights on Murs’s gigantic forehead, while William and Kate will be given a small suite of rooms on his massive chin.

Harry and Meghan will be spending much of the festive period up his massive nose, although, due to their famously raucous lovemaking, The Queen has stipulated that they sleep in separate nostrils and that Murs must put wads of cotton wool up his nose at night in case Harry tries to sneak into Meghan’s nostril to give her a noisy scuttling while everyone’s sleeping off the grog.

It is also understood that strict security will be in place in case Fergie tries to sneak onto Murs’s face uninvited.

This move will constitute the biggest departure from royal festive tradition since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, along with 700 invited guests, saw in the New Year on the cheeks of Kaiser Wilhelm’s gigantic arse.

One day I’ll be Queen of England vows Boris Johnson

See the source image

In a surprise announcement, former Foreign Secretary and staunch Brexiteer, Boris Johnson has announced plans to accede to the throne after The Queen has died.

Writing in his Daily Telegraph column, the famously ambitious Johnson, said: “I can conceive of no earthly reason why I should not be made Queen after the death of Her Majesty.

“I went to a good school, my Latin is at least on a par with Rees-Mogg’s, and even if I do say it myself, I have a certain regal bearing.

“I can’t see there being any objections from the royal family, to be honest. In fact, they’ll probably welcome my ascension to the throne

“It will give William the chance to go back to flying helicopters and Harry will be able to concentrate on getting rat-arsed and shagging that fine-looking colonial filly he’s shacked up with.

“At the end of the day, post-Brexit, this country will need a strong and dependable figurehead with a firm and steady hand on the royal tiller.

“Somebody with an unimpeachable set of values and a strong moral compass.

“I see myself as that man, even if no bugger else does”

BoJo’s shock revelation comes just 2 days after Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, told friends that he harbours a long-standing ambition to one day stop being an utter twat that nobody takes seriously and become an effective Leader of The Opposition.



The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

Prince Philip slams “Slitty-eyed Chinaman driver” following crash

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Prince Philip pictured looking pale and pretty drunk following the accident yesterday

Following the road traffic accident yesterday in which a Range Rover being driven by HRH Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh, ended up in a ditch, the 97-year-old Duke put the blame squarely on the driver of the other car involved in the incident, who he described as, “a slitty-eyed Chinaman who was driving like an Indian”

Philip, 97, told newsmen: “I was driving along minding my own business on the way back from the pub when this other car came straight at me like a bat out of bloody hell.

“I’ve seen Indians drive better and that’s bloody saying something believe you me.

“I didn’t get a really good look at the Johnny in the other jalopy, but he was an odd-looking cove with yellow skin and slitty eyes. A bit like a bloody Chinaman.

“One minute we’re teaching these blighters how to use a knife and fork, and the next, they’re forcing off our own bloody roads.”

The Duke was said to be comfortable last night, although a royal insider said he was suffering from minor bruising following a late night, whisky-fuelled rolling pin attack by The Queen.

BREAKING: Queen Mother’s mummified stool sold for $9 million

queen mum
Bowel Bonanza: The Queen Mother pictured in the olden days


A perfectly preserved stool believed to have been evacuated by Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother, during the war, has been sold at Sotheby’s auction house in London to a private American buyer for a cool 7 million dollars.

The 7-inch, 14-ounce rocket was retrieved from The Queen Mother’s toilet at Sandringham House by a royal flunkey who found it nestling on top of the paper in 1941 after she had forgotten to pull the chain.

The servant had the royal turd injected with embalming fluid and had kept it in a display case in his front room until his death last year when it was discovered by council workmen who handed it in to the police.

A spokesperson for the royal household told newsmen: “The Queen would have prefered to have kept her mum’s roscoe in Buckingham Palace, but the money will definitely come in handy to put towards the new central heating”

This is not the first time bodily waste from one of the royals has been auctioned off. In 1994, a phial containing 40 millilitres of Prince Philip’s piss fetched £9.50 at Cable Street Car Auction in Shadwell, East London, as part of a part-exchange deal for a Honda Civic.

Storm over Queen’s refusal to give Meghan traffic light remote control



Her Majesty The Queen was under fire in some quarters yesterday after pointedly refusing to give the newly-appointed, Duchess of Sussex, a traffic light control clicker device which all members of the royal family carry to ensure that they are never held up by a red light at any of London’s busy road junctions.

The Queens refusal to give the Duchess a clicker is being seen by some as an indication of Her Majesty’s disapproval of Meghan’s American roots and also as a means of expressing her dislike of the fiery sermon delivered by Bishop Michael Curry during Saturday’s wedding ceremony.

A royal insider said last night: “The Queen’s not happy, and the fact that she’s refused to give Meghan a clicker speaks volumes.

“I even heard that she told The Duke of Edinburgh that she doesn’t want that woman fucking about with our traffic signals.”

The last royal to be denied a traffic light remote control was The Queen Mother, who had hers confiscated by The Queen when she caused a number of accidents at Hyde Park Corner after messing about with her clicker in the back of a royal limousine following a boozy luncheon with The Lord Mayor at The Guildhall in 1973.

Beckham under fire after tattooing himself during royal wedding


Tats naughty. Beckham pictured at the free bar last night


Critics have hit out at soccer legend, David Beckham, who was spotted tattooing one of his legs during yesterday’s royal wedding ceremony at Windsor Castle

The former Manchester United and England icon was spotted by a BBC camera with his trousers pulled down to his knees and was clearly seen using a piece of sharpened bamboo and a bottle of Indian ink to etch a crude ship’s anchor tattoo with, ‘Mum and Dad’, in a scroll underneath it on his upper thigh.

The criticism of Beckham’s behaviour is reminiscent of the outcry that ensued after Prince Andrew’s daughter, Eugenie, was spotted in a pew at the back of Westminster Abbey having her pubic hair fashioned into a heart and dyed pink during the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton in April 2011.

Meghan Markle to hand in her guns at The Lord Mayor’s office in pre-wedding ceremony

Meghan pictured being a mite too onery earlier this week

Prince Harry’s fiance, American actress, Meghan Markle, will hand in her twin, pearl-handled Colt 45s and her scattergun to The Lord Mayor of London in a solemn pre-wedding event just an hour before she ties the knot with Harry at Windsor Castle on May 19.

Meghan, who regularly practices her ‘gunplay’ by shooting cans off her back fence and putting holes through silver dollars tossed into the air by Prince Philip, is believed to be upset at parting with her beloved ‘shootin’ irons’ but understands that the move, which has been instigated by advisors to the Royal Family, is a sensible one in case she and Harry have a row and she ends up filling him full of lead.

It is believed that Meghan is also unhappy at an earlier Palace directive which stipulates that she must tie her horse to the railings outside Buckingham Palace before she joins The Royal Family for the traditional Sunday evening blackjack and redeye sessions in The Billy The Kid Suite.

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