The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


royal family

Beckham under fire after tattooing himself during royal wedding


Tats naughty. Beckham pictured at the free bar last night


Critics have hit out at soccer legend, David Beckham, who was spotted tattooing one of his legs during yesterday’s royal wedding ceremony at Windsor Castle

The former Manchester United and England icon was spotted by a BBC camera with his trousers pulled down to his knees and was clearly seen using a piece of sharpened bamboo and a bottle of Indian ink to etch a crude ship’s anchor tattoo with, ‘Mum and Dad’, in a scroll underneath it on his upper thigh.

The criticism of Beckham’s behaviour is reminiscent of the outcry that ensued after Prince Andrew’s daughter, Eugenie, was spotted in a pew at the back of Westminster Abbey having her pubic hair fashioned into a heart and dyed pink during the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton in April 2011.

Meghan Markle to hand in her guns at The Lord Mayor’s office in pre-wedding ceremony

Meghan pictured being a mite too onery earlier this week

Prince Harry’s fiance, American actress, Meghan Markle, will hand in her twin, pearl-handled Colt 45s and her scattergun to The Lord Mayor of London in a solemn pre-wedding event just an hour before she ties the knot with Harry at Windsor Castle on May 19.

Meghan, who regularly practices her ‘gunplay’ by shooting cans off her back fence and putting holes through silver dollars tossed into the air by Prince Philip, is believed to be upset at parting with her beloved ‘shootin’ irons’ but understands that the move, which has been instigated by advisors to the Royal Family, is a sensible one in case she and Harry have a row and she ends up filling him full of lead.

It is believed that Meghan is also unhappy at an earlier Palace directive which stipulates that she must tie her horse to the railings outside Buckingham Palace before she joins The Royal Family for the traditional Sunday evening blackjack and redeye sessions in The Billy The Kid Suite.

The Queen drinks 2 bottles of chilli vinegar a day, claims Palace insider


Some bottles of chilli vinegar pictured in The Queen’s larder last night


A source close to the Royal Family has told The Whitechapel Whelk, that Her Majesty, The Queen, drinks 2 bottles of non-brewed chilli vinegar a day in the belief that the condiment disinfects her insides and preserves her vital organs.

“The Queen drinks a bottle straight down as soon as she wakes up,” the source told us “Then, just before she turns in for the night, she downs the second one.

“She never uses a glass, she just unscrews the top and downs the contents in one go and throws the empty bottle in the recycling.

“She has tried to convince other members of The Royal Family of the benefits, but they don’t want to know.

The only one who gave it a try was Fergie, who took a few swigs one Boxing Day after dinner, but she didn’t like it and spat most of it down the sink”

A spokesman for Edike, a leading maker of chilli vinegar, said last night: “Our product is a delicious accompaniment to a wide variety of foods, particularly pie and mash, but we wouldn’t recommend drinking it straight from the bottle to be honest. It would probably make you shit through the eye of a needle for one thing”

The Queen is not the first monarch to have an unusual taste in beverages.  Both William of Orange and his wife, Queen Mary II, were in the habit of drinking a glass of each other’s urine before copulating, in the belief that any resulting progeny would grow up with a massive grudge against Irish Catholics.

17 stone Fergie tried to sell Kate’s morning sick on eBay, claims Palace insider.


Duchess of Pork. Fergie pictured guzzling a pie she probably bought by selling Kate’s sick


A source close to the royal household has told The Whelk that, Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, may have bottled The Duchess of Cambridge’s morning sickness vomit before selling it on eBay to fans of The Royal Family

The source told us that Fergie needed the money to buy the pies and sweets she needs to maintain her 17 stone frame that has ballooned alarmingly since her divorce from Prince Andrew.

“She came to visit Kate a couple of weeks ago” the insider revealed. “She said it was so that she could keep her company while William attended to royal duties, but I’m convinced it was so she could bottle and sell her sick.

“I used to see her watching Kate go into one of the palace bogs. She would then listen at the door to check if she was throwing up or just having a piss or a dump.

“Then, as soon as she heard Kate yakking, she’d go in there under the pretext of holding her hair out of the way, before filling a bottle with sick while Kate was cleaning her teeth at the sink.

“I know she was selling it on eBay because one of the cleaners found small bottles of it under Fergie’s bed. It was all carefully labelled and date-stamped ready to be sold to the highest bidder.

“I knew The Duchess was strapped for cash and was spending hundreds of pounds a week on mince and onion pies, but surely she could have raised the money in a more seemly way, like when she told the papers she liked having toe-jobs or something”

This latest revelation will further rock The Royal Family who are still reeling from the news that The Queen tried to have Prince Edward beheaded for asking an officer in The Household Cavalry if he was “a sponge or a stone” after a boozy lunch at The Palace last Thursday.

Prince Philip urges Mancunians to kick Muslims up the arse.

prince philip with Mandela

His Royal Highness, The Duke of Edinburgh, has controversially urged people in Manchester to give Muslims, “A jolly good kick up the arse” following last Monday’s terror attack on the Manchester Arena which killed 22 and injured over 60.

Speaking at a horse riding gymkhana in Windsor, the outspoken 97-year-old Duke said, “These Muslim johnnies are a thoroughly bad lot in my view and I strongly urge people in Manchester to give the blighters a jolly good kick up the arse.

“In fact, if I had my way, they’d be given the same treatment right across the country.

“If there were a little more arse-kicking and a lot less sucking-up to these bloody wogs, the country would be a lot better for it.

“When I was in India just before the war, we used to kick the natives up the arse just for forgetting to put an olive in our gin slings and they were bloody grateful for it too!”

The Duke’s remarks come just a month after Princess Ann called for Roman Catholics to be publically dismembered and then nailed to the front doors of people who live in council houses.

Prince George teachers sworn to secrecy if he has a naughty shit in the corner.

Christmas Photographs Of Prince George
No stool pigeons. Prince George pictured in relaxed mood last night.

It is understood that all the teaching staff at Prince George’s first school have been asked to sign a pledge of secrecy which forbids them from making it public if the young royal has a mischievous shit in the corner of the classroom or accidentally soils himself because he was too busy playing to ask for the toilet.

The 4-year-old prince will begin the new term at Thomas’s in Battersea, South London along with 540 boys and girls aged between 4 and 13.

His parents, The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, are believed to want their son to receive as normal an education as possible but are understandably nervous about the press getting wind of news that he’s behaved badly or has accidentally shit himself.

The secrecy pledge is also believed to contain a clause which forbids staff from going to the papers if George gets his nob out at the back of the classroom and starts playing with it in front of the little girl sitting next to him.

Prince Andrew Had Sex With Miners While I Watched Claims Pit Boss


prince andrew
He’s the pits. ‘Randy’ Andy, pictured looking all innocent last night

from our royal, deep shaft correspondent, Danny SoZ

The former general manager of a South Wales coal mine is claiming that he saw Prince Andrew romping with over a dozen mine workers during an official royal visit in the 1980s.

Toby Dellwellyn, 87, told The Whitechapel Whelk that the Queen’s son slipped away from the pit manager, who was giving him a conducted tour of the mine near Llandudno, and began having sex with a dozen or more miners who were on their lunch break.

“At first everything was going very well” Mr Dellwellyn said. “The Prince seemed genuinely interested as I pointed out various coal seams and explained how some of the machinery operated.

“Then he spotted a few of the lads having their tea and sandwiches and told me he was just going over for a quick chat. Before I could prevent him, he took his trousers off and started having sex with the boys one after the other. I tried to pull him off but he was too strong.

“After he’d finished he just acted as if nothing had happened and asked me if I could show him round the canteen.

“I must confess I was pretty taken aback by his behaviour. At the end of the day it’s not the sort of thing you expect from a royal, is it?”

A Buckingham Palace spokesperson strongly denied Mr Dellwelyn’s claim last night. Speaking to a Whelk reporter at the palace gates, he said: “There is absolutely no truth in this claim whatsoever. On the day in question, His Royal Highness was on holiday in Mustique with a party of sexually confused bricklayers from Cardiff”

The Queen will take pepper spray into audience with Trump say Palace.


In an unprecedented move, Buckingham Palace have announced that Her Majesty The Queen will be carrying a can of pepper spray when she meets President-elect, Donald Trump, for the first time following his inauguration.

A spokesman for The Palace said last night: “In view of the fact that Mr Trump has a somewhat unfortunate reputation for invading the personal space of members of the opposite sex – which has been known to involve grabbing their private parts – we have decided that it would be prudent for Her Majesty to be armed with a self-defence spray in case Mr Trump flaunts royal protocol and goes downstairs for a feel of her growler.

“There will also be a personal bodyguard in attendance who will be under instructions to tackle and, if necessary, to physically remove the president if he looks as if he’s going to show The Queen his cock”

Just hours after the statement, Trump hit back at the accusation that he is a serial groper via his Twitter account: “In no way would Donald J Trump grab The Queen’s pussy The Queen is a tremendous person whose pussy I would not grab. No pussy grabbing. None!”

The Palace have also confirmed that Her Majesty will be urged to empty her bladder before meeting Mr Trump and to keep her fluid intake to a minimum during the encounter.

Whelk Exclusive: Rumours of royal rift grow as Prince Andrew hurls potato into Charles’ gravy


ARRRRRGH! Bisto! Charles pictured dabbing away stubborn gravy remnants last night

from our royal up-and-a-downer correspondent, Danny SoZ

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that reports of animosity between Prince Andrew and his older brother, Charles, may be well-founded following a Buckingham Palace incident on Saturday night which ended with Andrew hurling a roast potato into the heir to the throne’s gravy, splashing his face and shirt.

A Palace insider told us: “Things have been pretty strained between Andrew and Charles of late. Andrew wants both his daughters’ future husbands to be given titles and Charles is not keen on the idea.

“Things got a bit heated at dinner on Saturday night when Andrew started flicking peas across the table at Charles.

“Charles told Andrew to ‘grow up’ and threatened to tell The Queen. He then placed a menu in front of his plate to deflect any further peas and got on with his dinner.

“Andrew then stood up and hurled a roast potato over the top of the menu onto Charles’ plate. The gravy went everywhere. Charles got some on his face and there were splashes all down his shirt. Even Camilla, who was sitting next to him, got some on her face and down the side of her arm.

“Andrew then called Charles a ‘fucking big head’ and told him that he didn’t ‘give a fuck’ if he told The Queen.

“He then stormed out, saying he was going for a ride in his helicopter and didn’t know what time he’d be back. The atmosphere after that was pretty grim I don’t mind admitting”

A Palace spokesman denied any rift between the royal brothers last night: “The relationship between Prince Edward and Prince Charles is as cordial as ever,” he said. “The dinner thing was just some good-natured horseplay. Andrew had probably had too much to drink”

He then confirmed that they will be visiting Scotland together later this week to kill some wild animals with guns.

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