The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Ryanair’s five pounds flights to include post-takeoff floggings

A lucky passenger pictured jetting off to Sheffield on a budget Ryanair flight last night

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair have announced that their recently-confirmed £5 flights to selected European cities will feature a post-takeoff flogging in the galley for passengers taking advantage of the bargain flights.

A spokesman for Ryanair, who recently came under fire for making passengers go to the toilet in their pants if they refused to pay the airline’s notorious £100 ‘chodbin duty’, told newsmen:

“We’re delighted to announce, that for a few hours, customers will be able to purchase tickets to places nobody wants to go, like Albania or Huddersfield for just five pounds.

“However, they will be stripped and flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails shortly after takeoff by way of retribution.

“Salt will be made available to rub into their wounds post beating, subject to a salt and rubbing surcharge payable on pain of death’

In other related news; last week, a Ryanair passenger with suspected coronavirus was charged two thousand Euros for being dragged from the plane by men in Hazchem suits at Dublin airport.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If it’s possible to actually hate an actual company we hate these licenced brigands with a fearsome intensity. In short, I wouldn’t give these robbing scumbags the steam off your piss.

Ryanair boss keyed my motor after refund request, says local clergyman


A Church of England Clergyman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that the CEO of controversial airline, Ryanair, ran a key along the side of his car door just days after he rejected a voucher to cover a flight cancelled due to covid-19 and asked for a cash refund instead.

The Reverend Tobias Dell, the Vicar of Whitechapel and Mile End, told us: “Shortly after requesting the refund I started getting anonymous calls from a man with an Irish accent.

“Initially, it was mainly sectarian abuse. He called me a Prod scumbag and told me that I would burn for all eternity in the fires of Hell unless I renounced my faith and converted to Roman Catholicism.

“Then he said that he knew about my request for a Ryanair refund and to accept a voucher for an alternative flight or face the consequences.

“Shortly afterwards, I noticed the boss of Ryanair, Michael O’Leary, hanging around outside my house, smoking and looking shifty.

“He would just stand there, staring at the house, flicking cigarette butts into my front garden.

“Then, in the early hours of last Tuesday morning, I heard this scraping noise outside and saw Mr O’Leary running a key along the side of my car.

“I shouted out of the window for him to stop but he just laughed and ran off.

“The damage was quite extensive and I noticed that he’d scratched an obscenity into the door too.

“I’ve now accepted the voucher to avoid any further incidents but I’m not at all happy to have done so”

Ryanair also came under fire yesterday for launching a stipulation that all passengers who refuse to buy a scratchcard during flights are subjected to 20 lashes of the cat-o-nine-tails around the back of the aircraft hangar after landing.

Local man beaten bloody after Ryanair refund request turned sour

people high aerial jump
Ryanair passengers being disembarked over Tenerife during happier times

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man claims that he was attacked in the street by thugs representing the controversial Ryanair airline just days after requesting a cash refund for his flight to Gran Canaria which was cancelled due to covid-19 travel restrictions.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I was walking back from work and had just turned into my road when three men wearing balaclavas jumped out of a parked car and attacked me with baseball bats.

“As I lay there bleeding, one of the men threw a card at me and said: “The boss sends his regards, scumbag”

“I managed to crawl home, and after my wife had cleaned me up I looked at the card.

“It said: ‘Congratulations. You have just met the Ryanair Refund Crew’

“I’ll be using Easyjet in future, that’s for sure’

We contacted Ryanair last night who told us they had no knowledge of the incident but if we gave them Mr Dell’s details they would send someone round to ‘take care of business’

People who stand up before the train arrives at the station ‘scum of the earth’ claims report

See the source image
People pictured standing on a train yesterday

A report released yesterday has revealed that train passengers who stand up well before the train has pulled into the station are the scum of the earth

The report, by a Cambridge University study group, further concludes that hanging is too good for these people and that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen: “Quite what these prize chumps hope to achieve by getting up and standing in the aisle as soon as the tannoy announces the next stop is beyond me.

“Our report calls them scum of the earth and worthy of infanticide, well I would go further.

“In my view, there needs to be a root and branch culling of these fucknuts until not one remains

“The same thing goes for people who start scrambling for the overhead lockers as soon as a plane lands.

“If it was up to me I’d lash them to the underside of the fuselage and leave them there for the return flight so that they die of terror and hypothermia”

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair, has responded by stating that although they would be comfortable with this last proposal, they would introduce a surcharge for passengers according to weight and air resistance, or ‘drag’.

Government to reintroduce slavery in bid to address post-Brexit labour shortage

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Leaked plan of one of the specifically designed slave aircraft which will shortly be deployed to darkest Africa and suchlike.

In a surprise move, the government has announced plans to bring back slavery in a bid to compensate for the loss of cheap European workers who are currently leaving the country in large numbers due to Brexit uncertainty.

The new-age slaves will be seized mainly from Britain’s former colonies and will be brought to England in chains on custom-designed aircraft owned by the Ryanair company.

This latest move comes just a week after Home Secretary, Sajid Javed, announced contingency plans to deal with post-Brexit food shortages by opening a string of Weatherspoons workhouses across the country, each to be presided over by a board consisting of local fat men and an overseer or Beadle.

Dried-on Cornflake survives 5th dishwasher cycle unscathed


A Cornflake pictured in defiant mood last night


From our, ‘We’ve all been there’ correspondent, Danny Soz

A piece of Cornflake debris has reportedly remained stuck fast to a cereal bowl in a council home in Whitechapel in East London despite being subjected to 5 dishwasher cycles, 2 of which were on the ‘power wash’ setting.

The bowl’s owner, vehicle mechanic, Toby Dell, 37, a married father of 5, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I noticed this bit of Cornflake stuck to the bowl after the first wash, so I put it in again, but despite putting it on the ‘normal wash’ setting and not  ‘economy’, it somehow survived.

“I then put it in for another 3 cycles, including 2 power washes, but I just couldn’t shift it. If anything, the hot air in the drying cycle seemed to weld it even more securely to the bowl.

“The missus told me to give it to her to wash up in the sink. She told me that she’d use a scourer on it, but there was no way I was giving in.

“Yesterday, I took it to work and put it in the sandblasting machine we use for cleaning spark plug electrodes but it survived that too.

“I eventually took it out into the yard and ran it over with the forklift. It felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders”

Scientists have recently discovered that the bond between Cornflake debris and a clean flat surface is the strongest known to man and is in fact routinely used by budget airline, Ryanair, to fix the wings to their aircraft.

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