Search

Tag

satire

Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

boris
“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

karte-1-28
Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

LOCAL NEWS

whelk fp brexit homes

Each 6′ x 6′ room comes with its own naked lightbulb and fitted gruel cupboard –London District of Whitechapel

Man with only guidebook Spanish offers to rape Mallorqina hotel receptionist

Image result for spanish phrasebook

A 43-year-old Whitechapel man was being held by police on the Spanish island of Mallorca last night after the receptionist at the hotel he was booked into complained that when she checked him and his wife into their room he thanked her in Spanish and then went on to tell her he would like to rape her after dinner.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, told us last night: “I’d been learning a bit of Spanish from a guidebook so that I could interact with the locals and make a few basic requests like ordering a beer, asking directions and so on.

“All I did was to thank this girl and ask her what time the buffet opened for dinner in the evenings. I thought she’d be pleased that I’d made the effort.

“The next thing I knew, she’d slapped me across the face and called the police, or, policia, as they call them over here”

A spokesman for El Paradiso, the hotel where the alleged offence took place, said last night: “We’re used to the drunken English coming on to our waitresses and chambermaids but we draw the line at threats of rape after dinner”

This incident comes just two weeks after a Shoreditch man was given a 6-month sentence in Vilamoura in Portugal for calling a priest, ‘a fucking twat’, in church Latin after memorising a few phrases to use during The Eucharist

Local man excited that girlfriend wants a long hard chat

Image result for angry girl
A girl pictured in long hard chat mode

A 22-year-old Whitechapel man was last night eagerly awaiting the long hard chat that his girlfriend of two years had insisted they have earlier today.

Toby Dell, a market trader from Vallance Road, told us: “I can’t wait to find out what it is she wants to chat about.

“To be honest, we’ve not really been communicating like we used to ever since she found out I’d slept with her mum and younger sister.

“And then there were the sex line calls that I used her card to pay for, and the sexually transmitted disease misunderstanding.

“She’s obviously realised that she has been unreasonable and wants to apologise in person”

In other related news, a 20-year-old man who was caught wearing his girlfriend’s bra and knickers was found hanged at his home after she told him she wanted, ‘a serious discussion about where their relationship was going’

WORLD NEWS

trump joker

You’ve been a wonderful audience. Try the veal. -Ed

JUST IN

brexit

These are worrying and uncertain times for The United Kingdom which make us gaze longingly west across the Atlantic to the strong, stable, and non-divisive government currently being enjoyed by our American cousins…oh. – Ed

Parliament seizes control of Michael Caine

michael caine pie n mash
Caine pictured in combative mood last night

 

In an unprecedented move, Parliament last night voted to take control of veteran British actor, Michael Caine and has now occupied his swish home in Beverly Hills

Caine, 108, told newsmen last night: “I got up this morning and went downstairs to make a brew as usual, only to find Anna Soubry, Hilary Benn and Angela Eagle, sprawled out on the sofa reading the papers.

“I asked them what they were playing at only be told to “fuck off out of it” by Mr Benn.

“I wouldn’t mind, but when I went to have my morning slash in the downstairs bog, I found that Speaker of The House, John Bercow, was in there having a shit and I had to get in the stairlift and use the one upstairs”

It is believed that Parliament will later stage a series of votes on Caine’s future film roles, including whether to allow him to play any more fired-up old geezers who decide to shoot all the drug dealers on his council estate because they killed one of his juicehead mates.

This move mirrors an earlier parliamentary decision to seize control of Bond actor, Piers Brosnan, that was subsequently abandoned when he began singing a medley of tunes from Mama Mia.

March To Leave Participants Running Low On Elven Bread

Image result for elven bread
Yes, I think we’ll stick to pie and mash, to be honest

The small band of Brexiters taking part in the March To Leave journey from Sunderland to London are reportedly running low on their supply of nourishing elven bread, or Lembas.

A small piece of the wholesome, ‘waybread’ was given to each participant, wrapped in a single Telperion leaf, by march organiser, Nigel ‘Galadriel’ Farage, before they set out on their quest to rescue Brexit from the dark forces of Parliamendor last Sunday.

A spokesman for the marchers, calling himself, Banksie Son Of Bloat, spoke to newsmen from outside his club in London’s Bloomsbury.

“I have been informed of the shortage of Lembas and will be doing everything in my power to ensure that a fresh supply is sent to the boys and girls as soon as I have received the necessary bank transfers from them”

When challenged about the sparsity of the participants, he explained that there were over a thousand to begin with but many had been picked off by fearsome Snowflake Ring Wraiths shortly after setting off from an inn, and by raiding parties of extreme left-wing Remoaner Orcs on the outskirts of Hartlepool

Newsmen later confronted, march organiser, Farage, and asked him why he wasn’t participating himself.

He explained that he had been there the entire time but had been invisible because he’d been wearing the One Ring To Fool Them All.

He then slipped a gold band on his middle finger and disappeared into a wine bar in swish, Minas Mayfair.

Apologies to our valued friends from foreign lands who won’t have a clue as to what we’re taking the piss out of here. It’s basically a bunch of fuckwits trudging through the rain in support of a policy that will bring our country down to the level of a 3rd World banana republic without any bananas.

Think Trump supporters in wellington boots. – Ed

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑